Post # 1
Just looking for some kind advice from you all 🙂
I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. We had a troubled first couple of years, but are now much, much better and love each other DEARLY!
The issue is that I’m ready to setlle down and he is not. He claims he just doesn’t know whether it will happen or not or when it would likely happen.
My issue is that I don’t want to stay with him and wake up in 6 years time, unengaged and childless.
I have asked him for a break to try and decide if I am comfortable staying in the relationship as it is – commitment no longer being an issue.
I’m just terribly confused and was hoping you guys might have some wise advice or similar experiences!
Thank you ever so much for your time 🙂
Post # 3
Well, he has told you he’s not sure if he wants to marry you. That should give you pause. You’re being smart to question the relationship! Men arenot complicates creatures. They will say what they mean. They might cushion it by saying they don’t know, but that’s it.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Move on.
Post # 4
I have to agree with PP. He doesnt know when and if it will happen is no reassurance at all. A man who loves you dearly would be happy to committ to you and looking forward to spending his life with you and his feelings would be clear there would be no confusion about that.
You deserve someone that wants to be with you and knows it, i think after 6 years, he should know. By staying you are taking a chance on someone who is not taking a chance on you.
I think you should walk away, you may never get what you are hoping for from him, and you deserve so much better.
Post # 5
We’ve never taken a “break”, because to me that just spells disaster. Breaks are difficult because rules have to be set, and followed, and you may have different expectations of what will (or will not) occur than he does. Too many things can go wrong.
My FI and I did break up once, for a full year. We didn’t expect to get back together, but I guess it was meant to be. Our relationship is 1000 times stronger than it was before; I think we both did a lot of growing up in that year apart. For us, it worked out well.
If you are having problems in the relationship, will time apart really help? Either this is something you can work out, or it is not. I think you should figure this out together, not apart. Just my opinion, obviously!
Post # 6
Personally, I don’t do breaks, but if you think it’s best, you should do it. Take a short while to evaluate things. But, if FH asked for a break, it would be over. Like I said, I don’t do breaks. So, be prepared for the fallout.
Post # 7
I was in a similar situation. Decided to end things and honestly, it was the best decision I could have made.
But I think everyone and every situation is different. Is marriage something you need? Can you live without it? Can you live without ever having children? Because I think in order to stay with him you have to accept the possibility of never having those things.
Post # 8
Thank you all!
I do feel a bit silly and know if it were a friend of mine I would tell her to walk too… BUT it’s been 6 years, I love him immensely and he is my best friend. I don’t just want to throw in the keys and quit. He doesn’t want any of this but he also won’t reassure me.
I’m not expecting him to change during this break-I am doing it to decide whether I am happy to stay in this relationship as it is, with basically, no prospects.
Thank you so very much for your advice and apreciatte any other advice that you have 🙂
Post # 9
@justliving007: I think you are making the right decision for you, which is important! I have to ask… why do you need a break to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship? I understand needing some space, but after 6 years, you know what the relationship is like. You are either ok with what you’ve got, or you aren’t, in which case you should probably move on. I swear I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand the reasoning behind the break.
Post # 10
I agree with others. I don’t think I would have done a break. But, I think you should sit back and take a hard look at the relationship. If you want marriage and kids, it sounds like he doesn’t. Not to be mean, but he pretty much flat out told you he doesn’t want to marry you. He has been with you for 6 years, and while you say you love him so much, he is not looking to commit. So, you need to do what is best for you. And, that may be leaving. What is meant to be, will be.
Post # 11
Once you take a break, there are no backs. That’s my philosophy. I think it is time for you to move on.
Post # 12
Argh it;s so hard!
@PermaStudent I’m just trying to figure out if I’m happy to stay in a relationship that may eat up another 6 years of my life, with a man who isn’t sure that he wants to spend the rest of my life with me. I know it sounds silly, but the question is: do I risk my fertility with this man or just move on? I still have a few years in which I’d hope to be able to have kids – I’m nearing 30 – but need to know if this relationship is going anywhere. I’m trying to figure out if he is just immature, commitment phone or maybe it just isn’t meant to be.
Sigh – surely it can’t be this complicated?!
Post # 13
I think you know the answer to your own questions. It’s just hard. You’ve been with him for six years, you love him, and he’s your best friend. But he isn’t showing any signs of committing or giving you children and those are things that you want/need.
I wouldn’t risk my fertility if having kids is something that is important to you.
Post # 14
FI and I were together for 6 years, no break and no question as to whether we were in it for the long haul. I just turned 30 and if he had said 6 months ago that he “wasn’t sure” instead of proposing to me I would have removed myself from the relationship, if not temporarily then for sure permeantly.
You’re right, it’s not complicated and I agree with PPs – guys tend to say what they mean.. If after 6 years he’s not sure it means he is not sure about you. Sorry girl, its a painful reality and as much as you love your bf you deserve so much for that love and comittment to be reciprocated.. And I will add that you’re smart for realizing you aren’t “no spring chicken” and you’re fertility DOES have an expiration date.. Sorry girl – I know this hurts but the sooner you walk the sooner you will meet your FH and have all those little babies you hope for.