A Christmas Angel: Grief in Joy

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
15011 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That made me cry, such a beautiful reminder. Thank you for sharing. 

Post # 4
1234 posts
Bumble bee

I lost my brother just over a year ago (technically, not my brother; he’s my sister’s brother in law, but I was closer to him than my blood siblings). He died in the summer, but his birthday is Wednesday; he would have been 28.

Really, I don’t think it gets any easier. He walked out of the house on a Thursday afternoon; he stuck his head in my room to say, “I love you, baby girl, I’ll see you later.” There was no indication he’d be dead less than twenty-four hours later. But he proceeded to go to his girlfriend’s house and get into a fight (where she threw him out), got questioned for molesting a child he’d never even been alone with before (his ex’s kid, and his ex just happened to be pissed at him), got into a fight with both his brother AND his sister separately, and I guess that night it was just too much. We still haven’t gotten back the autopsy reports, but we know he probably got drunk, took some pills, and while he wasn’t in his right mind, he hung himself in his brother’s shed.

We didn’t find him for three days. You would have to know my brother, but him disappearing was nothing new. He’d walk out of my house, and I’d get a call a month later, and he was in Florida or Virginia. Then he’d show back up like nothing happened. That was just him. If he didn’t want to be found, he wasn’t going to be- he’d drop completely off the grid. So for him to disappear for a couple of days- especially after what happened- was no big deal. We figured he was crashing on a friend’s couch or something, but after three days, when he hadn’t come back for his truck, his brother and my sister went looking for him; she’s the one who found him.

Of course, after he died, all sorts of people came out of the wood work saying that he’d mentioned suicide before, but they “talked him out of it.” No they didn’t; they consoled him for that hour or that day, but they didn’t get him the professional help he needed. But Mama and I think he refused to tell us because he knew we would have him involuntarily committed if we even had an inkling that he was contemplating suicide. Honestly, it caught me by surprise; he never seemed unhappy. He was the kind of guy to roll with the punches. He was so happy and laid-back, I just never would have imagined…

What has his death taught me? First of all, it taught me to always hold your loved ones close- you never know when they might not be there. I wish every day that I could spend just one more hour with him, but then I’m so mad at him I’d probably spend the whole hur beating his a** (yeah, I’ haven’t passed the anger stage of grief just yet). I just want to know if it was worth it, walking away from his family, from his little girl? It’s been just over a year, and already she doesn’t remember him. She was too young to understand what happened.

The second thing, is it taught me that if you even have the vaguest suspicion someone might commit suicide, it is better to majorly overreact than to ignore the signs. I’m so mad at all of his so-called “friends” for not helping him- really helping him- and I hope they live every day with the guilt of knowing that if they had done things differently, he might still be here.

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