Post # 1
My ceremony is currently scheduled at the Catholic church I grew up in. I went to their grade school and church every Sunday until I left for college, and my mother and several other relatives still go there now. Thanks to this long history, they were more than willing to schedule my wedding more than a year in advance, when they normally don’t schedule weddings until 6 months prior. While it feels great to get that piece checked off the list, there are a few things that make me hesitant to have my wedding there.
- I was the fat kid in school, and consequently I was bullied. Since it was a Catholic school we went to church as a class all the time and I don’t have very fond memories of it growing up.
- My parents were not allowed to get married there. My dad is Muslim and my mom is Catholic, and back in 1980 this was considered a huge no-no. The pastor at the time actually told my parents they shouldn’t get married being different religions. They ended up finding a different priest at a different church to marry them and have been married ever since.
- The church itself is dated looking. It used to look like a beautiful, traditional older church, but they remodeled in the 1980s and it definitely looks like it. Also, the aisle is a bit strange. To try to picture it, you would walk into the church, take a right, walk along the back of a church, take a left towards the center, then take another slight left. It would make the whole grand entrance down the aisle very weird.
- The new pastor is only a few years older than me. While this would normally be a good point, he said something to my fiance and I that we thought was a bit rude even though he meant it to be joking. My fiance decided earlier this year that he wanted to convert to Catholicism, so we mentioned that to this priest. He immediately laughed and said “Is she making you do it?”
- This may just be a superstitious thing- but since I grew up there I saw 9 family members get married there and was even in some of those weddings. Every single one of those couples is now divorced. Seriously. All of them.
Lastly, my mother and one of my aunts seem hell-bent on impressing people in this church including the Pastor for some reason. I don’t really get it.
My fiance and I currently attend another church that is closer to where we live and love the staff and the church itself. Since my fiance is also attending his conversion classes there we have also grown close to a few of their staff members. But I just know that if I told my mother I wanted to get married at a different church she would throw a fit. I know most people are going to say “just sit and talk with her about it.” But seriously, she throws a tantrum like a 3 year old when she doesn’t get her way.
What would you do?
Post # 2
BoilerBride101015: Why would you book it if you feel this way about it? Just get married somewhere else. It’s your wedding not your mom’s and if you have this many issues with it there’s no point in getting married there.
Post # 3
MrsRoberts52: We booked before we found this other church- we actually just moved back to a suburb of my hometown 4 months ago. For most catholic churches, it’s impossible to get a wedding booked if you or your family haven’t been attending mass there for at least a year. We knew we wanted a church wedding, and at the time this seemed like the only way it would happen.
Post # 4
Will yuo lose money if you cancel this booking? Is the other church available? I’d switch if you can — sounds like that’d make you guys happier. You should be comfortable with where you’re getting married (& who’s doing it).
Post # 5
BoilerBride101015: well I don’t think “bad juju” or anything that can’t be proven by science exists anywhere besides in one’s own head, so when I read the title of this I was prepared to tell you to get real and focus on what you actually know to exist. But after reading all that, I think a seriously negative association definitely exists to the point where it could potentially impact your attitude and and feelings on the day!
You deserve to feel nothing but good feelings and think only positive thoughts that day. If the other church is an option I would definitely change it!
As for your mother, grown adults only throw fits if other people allow them to and reward them for doing so. If other people stopped allowing it and didn’t reward it, the fit thrower no longer has power. This would be an excellent opportunity to start setting a new precedent by showing your mother you will no longer tolerate and reward that behavior. If she continues to punish you with more poor treatment when you don’t give in to her antics, then I’m not sure why you’d want her at your wedding (or very involved in your life) anyway….sounds incredibly manipulative and disrespectful on your part.
You only get one wedding day so you need to make choices based on what’s best for you and fiance.
Post # 6
Do you let 3 year olds who throw tantrums make all the decisions? No. Same-same with tantrum throwing parents.
DO just sit down and talk to her about it. Talk about how accepted you feel at your new church, how excited you are to leave the bad memories of the other church behind and have a new family church. Also bring up the whole 9 marriages = 9 divorces, no way in hell my mother would be able to ignore that. Also, consider those 18 people (or at least 9), all sitting at your wedding, looking at the place where they got married and picturing their own doomed ceremony. Weeeeiiiirrrrrdddd.
Post # 7
polyblonde: LOVE what you said about the tantrum throwing mother. Perfect advice.
Post # 8
You should book at a church you feel good about. As for your mom, the bad news is unless you plan on letting her run your married life, she’s going to be throwing a lot of fits. You can choose to let these fits dictate your behavior, but that presumes that you would be getting something out of it. Often we fool ourselves that if we just give in this time, the adult child will be appeased and let us have the next one. But with serial manipulators, it doesn’t work like that.
your mom is going to keep throwing fits. It’s going to be unpleasant. You might as well get married where you want, since she will find something else to throw a fit about soon enough. Also, if this were your FIs mom, you’d want him to stand up,to her to protect what the two of you want.
Post # 9
Ummm if you can think of a list that long why you don’t feel comfortable with that church then that should be clear enough that it isn’t for you. Go elsewhere and get some good vibes about the place where you will be getting MARRIED! Do whatever makes you happy and sod anyone who doesn’t want what’s best for you.
Post # 10
Plan your wedding. Send her an invite. Set your boundaries clear. You will not allow her to have a fit over where you’re wedding is being held.
I would be giving different advise ifyou were considering marrying outside of the Church. You have Canon Law to consider there. But, yeah, it’s best to not plan your wedding around pleasing family. It just creates a whole lot of extra stress.
Post # 11
I’d pay for my own wedding and have it wherever I wanted! If you and your fi are already paying for it yourself, then you are halfway there!
Post # 12
eek that does sound like bad juju….. go somewhere else!