Post # 1
Ok Bees, I need some advice.
I have three friends who are in a relationship together and have been living together for a couple of years now. Two of the people are married to each other and then the other guy friend is involved with the wife. I have been friends with all three of them since college and am of course inviting this triad to my wedding.
My old college roommate is also part of a triad and has been living with a married couple for about two years. I’ve never met her partners. But I have met her best friend who actually only lives an hour from where I am looking to have my wedding. (My old college roommate lives six hours away and rarely gets down to see her best friend.)
We are having a smallish wedding which means I can onlu invite 35 people. While I want the entire first triad at my wedding because they are all friends of mine, I’m not as excited about giving my old college roommate a +2.
What can I do?
Post # 3
We cannot debate over husbands and wives when we are dealing with what is in between dear, if all three of them are involved and committed, breaking up their little cadre would be an insult to their lifestyle as well as an awkward situation for all three of them…
Post # 4
Are you close enough to her to just call her and ask? You could explain the situation and see how she feels about it.
Post # 5
I wonder if Miss Manners has ever done a column on this.
Personally I wouldn’t be keen to have almost 10% of my guest list be taken up by this relationship, when two of the three are people I’ve never even met! Sending her an invitation with a plus 1 is pretty awkward when you know she’s in a relationship with 2 other people, but that’s her choice and it doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to offer up 3 spots on your extremely tight guest list. In other words I don’t think anyone “deserves” more than plus 1. I mean you have to weigh how important this friend is to you and the potential of offending her, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to be offered plus 2 (strangers to the bride and groom) for a 35 person wedding.
Post # 6
I don’t think you can do a +1. That’s a bit awkward. But with such a small wedding, +2 seems like a lot! I think I’d just invite her and the best friend.
Post # 7
I do think a phone call is in order…if she’s close enough to make a 35 person guest list, surely you can call and discuss it with her? If you plan to send her an invitation addressed to her and her best friend, you’ll probably want to give her a heads up about that anyway because she might be surprised by that.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I would re-consider +1s at all if you’re only having 35 people at your wedding. I’d invite the 35 people I wanted there, not the 17 I want and their plus ones (or twos).
Post # 9
I agree with the folks suggesting calling and asking 🙂 It’s a bit awkward but she’ll probably understand the situation! I think the polite thing is to invite the +2, but it depends on the specific of their relationship and how much they care about etiquette.(Like, if it’s as though all three of them were married, that’s different than if she is the “extra” /spice in their marriage, I think. Does that make sense?) It also depends on whether she knows a lot of other people at the wedding… if there are a bunch of college friends there who she’ll want to catch up with, then she might not need to bring her +2!
Post # 10
@Christy42213: agreed. Your guests (and those not invited) will understand because it is such a small wedding and those closest to you will be invited. Best of luck!
Post # 11
I agree with Nona99 in that there would be no question as to giving your old roomate a +1 if she was living with one partner, even if you didn’t know that partner. Given that she has 2 partners, I think it would be rude to not invite both. Keep in mind that if you don’t know these other 2 people, they may respectfully decline.
ETA: calling and discussing with her is a good option, but I would tread carefully as to not hurt her feelings or make it seem like you expect her to tell you it’s ok not to invite her partners.
ETA2: even with a small wedding (which I had so I can absolutely relate), you can’t not invite a live-in partner. I would never attend a wedding that didn’t give my husband an invite, regardless of the size. In that sense, we’re a package deal. So I strongly disagree with doing away with all the +1s….yes a wedding is about “your day” but it’s also about being gracious hosts to your guests.
Post # 12
I took some good Bee advice and just talked to her about it. For the record, when I said 35 people I meant *I* only have 35 slots. FI has another 35. (It is amazing how quickly a wedding guest list fills up!) Anyway, I told her the whole thing and she laughed about it and told me one of her partners doesn’t go to social functions as he tends to be a party pooper. She wasn’t sure if her other partner could make it as she travels for work and the wedding is really far out right now. She liked the idea of bringing her local friend though. So in the end she told me to just give her a plus one and when the time comes she will figure it out. 🙂
Post # 13
I try to follow the etiquette counsel of Miss Manners whenever possible, but I do not ever recall having seen a column on a topic such as this. My suspicion, however, is that, if etiquette requires hosts to invite the romantic, live-in partner of a guest — because etiquette assumes couples who are living together are secretly married (even if the host knows otherwise) — that etiquette would NOT EVER assume that a single person who is living with a married couple would be secretly married to either of the partners, both of whom are already publicly married to each other.