(Closed) A complicated Triad Situation

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Who do I invite?
    Suck it up and give college roomie a +2. It's only fair. : (6 votes)
    24 %
    Give college roomie a +1 and let her decide what to do with it. : (12 votes)
    48 %
    Invite college roomie alone and also invite her best friend so she has someone there you know. : (7 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5968 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    We cannot debate over husbands and wives when we are dealing with what is in between dear, if all three of them are involved and committed, breaking up their little cadre would be an insult to their lifestyle as well as an awkward situation for all three of them…

    Post # 4
    Member
    5988 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Are you close enough to her to just call her and ask?  You could explain the situation and see how she feels about it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I wonder if Miss Manners has ever done a column on this.

    Personally I wouldn’t be keen to have almost 10% of my guest list be taken up by this relationship, when two of the three are people I’ve never even met! Sending her an invitation with a plus 1 is pretty awkward when you know she’s in a relationship with 2 other people, but that’s her choice and it doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to offer up 3 spots on your extremely tight guest list. In other words I don’t think anyone “deserves” more than plus 1. I mean you have to weigh how important this friend is to you and the potential of offending her, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to be offered plus 2 (strangers to the bride and groom) for a 35 person wedding. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    4049 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I don’t think you can do a +1. That’s a bit awkward. But with such a small wedding, +2 seems like a lot! I think I’d just invite her and the best friend.

    Post # 7
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I do think a phone call is in order…if she’s close enough to make a 35 person guest list, surely you can call and discuss it with her? If you plan to send her an invitation addressed to her and her best friend, you’ll probably want to give her a heads up about that anyway because she might be surprised by that.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3340 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    I would re-consider +1s at all if you’re only having 35 people at your wedding.  I’d invite the 35 people I wanted there, not the 17 I want and their plus ones (or twos).

    Post # 9
    Member
    70 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I agree with the folks suggesting calling and asking 🙂  It’s a bit awkward but she’ll probably understand the situation!  I think the polite thing is to invite the +2, but it depends on the specific of their relationship and how much they care about etiquette.(Like, if it’s as though all three of them were married, that’s different than if she is the “extra” /spice in their marriage, I think.  Does that make sense?)  It also depends on whether she knows a lot of other people at the wedding… if there are a bunch of college friends there who she’ll want to catch up with, then she might not need to bring her +2!

    Post # 10
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Christy42213:  agreed. Your guests (and those not invited) will understand because it is such a small wedding and those closest to you will be invited. Best of luck!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1622 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I agree with Nona99 in that there would be no question as to giving your old roomate a +1 if she was living with one partner, even if you didn’t know that partner.  Given that she has 2 partners, I think it would be rude to not invite both.  Keep in mind that if you don’t know these other 2 people, they may respectfully decline.  

    ETA: calling and discussing with her is a good option, but I would tread carefully as to not hurt her feelings or make it seem like you expect her to tell you it’s ok not to invite her partners.

    ETA2:  even with a small wedding (which I had so I can absolutely relate), you can’t not invite a live-in partner.  I would never attend a wedding that didn’t give my husband an invite, regardless of the size.  In that sense, we’re a package deal.   So I strongly disagree with doing away with all the +1s….yes a wedding is about “your day” but it’s also about being gracious hosts to your guests.

    Post # 13
    Member
    11352 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @Corranthe:  

    I try to follow the etiquette counsel of Miss Manners whenever possible, but I do not ever recall having seen a column on a topic such as this. My suspicion, however, is that, if etiquette requires hosts to invite the romantic, live-in partner of a guest — because etiquette assumes couples who are living together are secretly married (even if the host knows otherwise) — that etiquette would NOT EVER assume that a single person who is living with a married couple would be secretly married to either of the partners, both of whom are already publicly married to each other.

    The topic ‘A complicated Triad Situation’ is closed to new replies.

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