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If it were me, I'd let my mom handle it, cause I'm anti-confrontation and would probably screw things up. Is it her brother? Maybe she could talk him out of it, if they're close enough that she can speak openly about it. I'm not having kids at my wedding so it probably wouldn't be a big issue, but if that's what he's convicted of, and there will be kids there, I'd definitely make a big deal out of this. You don't know him well enough to know if he's a "changed" man or what the deal is with that. Good luck! =/
I don't understand why you would have invited him in the first place? I mean I posted it but again... I have a twice convicted VIOLENT felon for a brother and he's not on my guest list. I'm assuming he's your mom's brother? You're getting married and you're an adult .. I'd call him and ask him not to come ... or have your mom tell him.
I'd tell the flower girls/ring bearer's parents ... You owe them that much, they are their children's best advocates and it's up to them how to protect them from harm.
He is my mom's brother.
the only kids at my wedding are ring bearer and flower girl, he is convicted of "something" sexual with an 11 year old boy....gross.
wow that sucks! If it were me, I would definitley either call the man myself and tell him that he was not able to come because of his past. I would have no problem telling him.
I mean sorry I can't trust you around my flower girls I can't have you at my wedding. He made his own bed now he has to lie in it.
It's too late to suggest you not invite him, obviously.
I would not risk exposing any children to a convicted sexual predator. I suggest you start by phoming your local police or sherrif's department. Tell them about your concern and see if he woud be violating any parole or restrictions placed on him by attending the wedding. If he is I would ask your mom to request that in the name of peace on your wedding day, that he not attend.
An 11 year old? I'm sorry, but I would not feel comfortabe with a convicted pedophile at my wedding. I would have your mom tell him he is uninvited. And I would be worried for any children at your wedding.
Is he a sexual predator or a sexual offender? You can be an offender for peeing in public and you can be a sexual predaor for statutory rape when you are 18 and your bf is 16. So, do you know what the charges were? Was it molestation of a child or rape or an adult? If it was then I say definatly ask your mom to uninvite him.
@Daisydew: I'm sorry i didn't mean to sound harsh .. I'm sorry you can't "unring the bell" .. this totally sucks. I'd ask your mom to talk to him and i'm sure he'd understand it's not like no one at the wedding will know. Maybe she could say you wanted him to know you were thinking about him ...
good luck ..
Thats a tough situation. I personally wouldnt have invited him in the 1st place but regardless. I'd call him & say that your concerned that his being at your wedding which will be in a church with children could get him in trouble & you dont want to worry about that on your wedding day. & that your not comfortable exposing other peoples children to a convicted sex offender. "I hope you understand but I think id be best if you didnt come."
his irish princess - OK :) thanks.
he is not a pedophile, he was convicted of being friends with an 11 year old boy not rape....the mother just pressed charges for this. no sex, etc. he did not even go to jail. just had to register on the sexual predator website. I honestly do not have any other info than what i heard from my mom a few years ago. He lives with my grandma, I invited them 2 since they live together, grandma can't come she just had surgery - I will talk to my mom - thanks.
@lovebird1981: I was thinking the same thing, I know someone who got registered. He had sex with a girl who was 16 & he was 18. Something like that. Anyway she said it was something with an 11yr old boy! & thats a no no to me.
I don't know the situation. But I don't think you can be convicted for being a friend to anyone regardless of their age. There is obviously more to the story that your mom isn't telling you. Regardless if you are uncomfortable having him at your wedding, which I would be, I think you need to call and tell him. You did invite him regardless of whether or not you thought he would come so I think its your job to tell him you changed your mind.
@PuntaCanaBride: I've got to agree. You can't be convicted or being someone's friend. Regardless of their age. There's more to the story then you're being told.
Since sex offenders register online, you can look up his status and see if it says "likely to reoffend" or not.
Here's a few things to consider:
1) What's your mom's relationship with her brother? (Or other siblings) Would someone be willing to 'babysit' him for the evening? Depending on the relationship, you can be upfront and honest about it, or just have someone appointed to keep an eye on him, alert someone if he's missing, wonders off, etc.
2) Does your family think he is likely to "reoffend"? If they don't think so, and since he didn't actually commit rape, I wouldn't worry that he'll do anything drastic.
3) Does he have a probation officer? Ask for his/her number and speak to them about what they think of the situation. It would be loving your uncle to help him not get in a further mess. She probably knows him better than most anyone and could give you a good read on the situation, not only legally but personally.
4) What are the parents of your flower girl/ring bearer like? Will they freak out? Are they easy going? If they are understanding, it might be good to give them a heads up so they can keep close tabs on their kids. If they are the type to call the police if he shows up...probably best to deal with it beforehand.You could also offer to have the kids come to the dinner part, but hire a baby sitter for the rest of the evening when people will be milling around more.
5) Sex offenders (even predators) are people too. I work with a lot, and it can be really hard for them to pull their life back together, especially once their family has disowned them. Allowing your uncle to come could be much more meaningful than you realize. I wouldn't exclude him on the basis that he is a sex offender, but on your judgment of the current situation.
@Treasure43: I couldnt agree more. I honestly still believe he shouldnt come to the wedding, I would feel its almost like condoning his behaviour- yes he's family, but Im sorry, there are children who may be at risk- that would be my priority.
I work with convicted felons everyday. We're not supposed to have convicted sexual predators where I work... but there are a few. I don't blame you for being concerned about him coming to your wedding. You don't want him to do anything!
That being said, I know you have a lot of concerns and I'll try to help you out with some of them. Most states allow sexual predators to leave the state at some point... they can't leave for like more than 3 days without registering in the state that they are visiting. Most of them have to tell their probation/parole officer about leaving, and be granted a weekend stay or something of that nature. If their officer does not feel like it's a good idea.. then he/she will not let them go.
Most states allow sexual predators to be around children.. but only if they are supervised (unless they have children of their own). They are typically banned from parks, schools, or places designed for children, also they are typically banned from social networking websites. I've never heard of a sexual predator being banned from a church...
My guess is that he knows all the laws and regulations against him. I think it's unfair to jump to conclusions that he will illegaly go across state lines because he is a sexual predator. This is in regards to your comment about him driving and "not getting caught". I guess because I work with offenders everyday I am conscious of things like this. I'm not saying he's a good or bad person... and I'm not saying you should not be careful. I just thought I would point it out.
My suggestion is to call him and tell him not to come, but it is obvious that you are not comfortable around him. It would be a stressful day for you if he were to show up and you don't trust him. If he does come, you do need to tell the flower girl/ring bearer's parents that a sexual predator is present so they can be extra careful to watch their children. I wouldn't tell your pastor unless you really want to, while I don't think it's anyone's business... there are laws that they have to notify people that they are around, so you can inform people (or he can) but I wouldn't make a big announcement.
I think since he has to drive in order to not be caught leaving the state says it all. It sounds to me as if he is leaving the state illegally and I would base my opposition to him attending the wedding on that. Yes, pedophiles are people too and yes they deserve a second chance if they show they are deserving of it but I wouldn't want anyone at my wedding that wasn't there on the up and up so to speak. If he cannot get permission from the powers that be to legally leave the state and attend your wedding then sorry, no can do! Good luck!
Why did you invite him?
I wouldn't give a heads up to the parents of those children because, quite honestly - it could cause a huge, huge, dramatic and possibly unsafe situation. You are opening yourself up to lots of talk, unwelcome conversations on your wedding day, and worse case scenario - a mob/punishing mentality. That's not worth it to anybody, and I don't see an upside to that.
There are definitely people in the sex offender registry who were convicted of things like having sex with a 16yo when they were 18. It sounds like you need more information from your mother to determine what exactly he did - so that you know what kind of actual danger he is. If he did what it appears he did, I'd have your mother handle it by telling him he needs to stay home. She doesn't need to be cruel, but it's not fair to your other guests/children to have him there - and allowing him to come while warning the chidlren's parents sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. If I were that parent, I'd be bowing out of the wedding and staying home.
If you would actually rather him not attend write him a letter telling him 'since he's made the choice to come he will have to tell everyone he's a convicted sexual predator that is attending the event' maybe that would change his mind in wanting to come? lol
If he comes, you HAVE to inform the parents of those children. Think about which you would rather do, tell people that a sexual predator with a "past" involving an 11 year old is at your wedding, or call him and tell him you are not comfortable with him coming. He should understand, tell him you invited him out of courtesy and did not expect him to rsvp. A wedding is about you and your family, but this is an exception.
edit: i decided to send you a message. i don't want to start arguments or debates about your personal issue :) Sorry!
Edited because the post to which I was responding has also been cleared.
If you're a convicted sex felony aren't you NOT allowed to be anywhere near children?? I don't know how it is in the states but that's how it is here in Canada, So if he did go to your wedding, Can't he get sent back to Jail for just being in the presence of children? That being said.. I think it's crazy that he even excepted probably knowing that their would be children at the wedding. Anyways I think you should tell your mom how you feel and tell her to handle it since it's her brother and if he does come you owe it to the parents of those children to let them know he's going to be there, they may not want their kids at your wedding anymore as a safety precaution.
I personally would uninvite him. Especially since you don't know the full story and what really happened. If it were something minor (the whole 19 yr old dating a 15 yr old thing) then fine, but something with an 11 yr old?? No way! I would just say you are sorry but you cannot have him come. If he did, then I agree with those who said you have to tell the parents of the children that he is coming and I'm sure they won't like that! Very sticky situation. Can you find out more details, as far as the actual crime? Good luck!
@Daisydew: Isn't there a restriction that says he cannot be around children? and/or leave the state? I would ask your mom to somehow request he not come. I don't think there's a need for an announcement because that will just freak people out. I would google the sex offender laws for your state and see what the restrictions are.
Unless you know for CERTAIN that this was the police / mother going way out of bounds, I would disinvite him. I'm surprised you invited him without knowing the whole story in the first place. If you didn't think he could come, why did you send him an invitation? You should have just sent the invitation to your grandmother and just said that you can't have a felon at your wedding. It's your WEDDING! You deserve a nice peaceful day without crazyness.
Honestly, if I was the mother/father of the flower girl or ring bearer, I would be horrified knowing that a sexual predetor was coming to the wedding. I would be so paranoid that I would spend the whole day making sure that my child was no where near him or anywhere alone. That is no fun for the parents or the kid. Weddings get chaotic, there are people running around, and it is the perfect opportunity or even temptation for a sexual predetor to act out. You should univite him - it is better to be safe than sorry.
he probably wont be doing anything at the wedding but it will put a damper on your wedding why make your wedding negative; it should be hte happiest day of your life you shouldnt be concerned making other people happy; do what you feel is right; if you had kids you wouldnt have your kids around an offender, think of it that way
just say sorry, you have to retract the invitation due to unforseen circumstances and leave it at that, you are the bride, it's your prerogative
when you invite dont ever assume that person will not make it; people go to great lengths to attend a wedding; good luck!
@missbbc: Same. Perhaps more to the point, I would be furious if I discovered that a friend had kept this information to herelf and not given me the option of deciding to withdraw my child from the wedding.
I agree that telling people could possibly start a very ugly mob-mentality situation. And your wedding shouldn’t be the time or place for a lynch mob if people get drunk and out of control.
Since you don’t really know him, maybe call your mom and make it clear to her that his presence is only acceptable at your wedding if he has notified all the proper authorities. (Your driving to avoid the airport comment raises some red flags). If this isn’t something he can comply with state that you’d rather he not attend.
@Daisydew: It looks like I read your comment wrong. Is he driving in order to not get caught at the airport. Or is him driving push up red flags for you that he is doing this to get away from authorities? I can't tell from your comment whether he's actually doing what you said, or if it's an assumption. If he's actually doing it, you can disregard my comment about it in my last post, sorry! :)
Hey all, thanks.
I am going to speak to my mom and ask her how she would feel if I uninvited him due to the fact that there will be children in the wedding and at the church and that I do not feel comfortable with him being there. Plus I don't need to worry about it. I do not know the story of what happened - he is on the sexual predator list - it says contact with an 11 year old...that is all. What he said to my mom and what the judge and jury convicted him of are 2 different things. I googled the laws in my state and it says no sexual predators are permitted at churches, playgrounds, parks, etc. If my mom is upset I am going to tell her that the laws in my state say that he is not allowed at the church and I can't deal with the drama. period.
OH BTW from wikipedia:
The term "sexual predator" is often considered distinct from "sex offender". Many U.S. states also see these differences legally. A sexual offender is a person who has committed a sexual offense. A sexual predator is often used to refer to a person who habitually seeks out sexual situations that are deemed exploitative. However, in some states, the term "sexual predator" is applied to anyone who has been convicted of certain crimes, regardless of whether or not there is a history of similar behavior. In the state of Illinois, for instance, a person convicted of any sex crime against a minor is designated a sexual predator, no matter the nature of the crime (violent versus statutory, a young child versus a teenager, etc.), and regardless of past behavior. This has led to criticism that the term is being misused, or overused, and thus has lost its original meaning and effectiveness.
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OK, so I invited my entire immediate family to the wedding out of courtesy to my mom and dad (their brothers/sisters their spouses and most of my cousins) the sex predator is convicted in 2006 in Illinois, I live in PA, he is my Uncle that I've seen 4 times in my life. I did not think he could leave his state, I did not think he would come. My mom called me last night to tell me he is coming. I am not sure what to do, who to sit him with, if I need to let my pastors know, if I need to let the parents of the ring bearer and flower girl know......I read online last night that predators are required to register every year for their natural life and are not allowed to go to parks, etc, churches were included...I am getting married in our church.....I don't know what to do, what would you do?
A friend said to call him and ask him not to come or to call my mom and tell her to tell him. I don't think I can do that.......p.s. he is driving so he wont be caught in the airport leaving the state.