Post # 1
Bees, I have a friend who just made a very controversial choice. He got in a car accident with his Fiance in the passenger seat. He is fine, but she got very badly hurt…In fact, the doctors think she may be paralysed from the waist down, but I haven’t heard any new updates. Her and I have never been close, but he is one of my closest friends.
My friend has decided to leave her. He explained that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with a dependent spouse, and that she wasn’t in a wheelchair when he met her and made the commitment – he thinks because the situation changed, he can change his mind about being with her. He has always been selfish, but his behaviour may be because of extreme stress/guilt.
I watched the documentary Murder Ball, and one of the guys who was paralysed from a motorcycle accident had his girlfriend leave him too (she doesn’t leave in the documentary, but I read a follow-up article – she couldn’t cope with the stress/burden of being a primary caregiver, but she did give it her best shot).
I have read threads about bees with dependent parents that they take care of, but I haven’t come across any posts about bees with dependent partners (even if the situation was temporary, I’m sure it would still be a huge stress). I have made a poll for the sake of anonymity as I did not make this thread to be judgemental. I’m sure everyone has strong reasons for their choices either way.
I know it’s hard without being in the situation, but what would you do? Have you/are you doing this and how do/did you cope? Of couse I have a personal opinion, but I will leave it out for now.
Post # 3
I don’t know if I would leave or not. I definitely wouldn’t leave in the early stages, but once life it’s back to “”””””normal””””” I might.
I really can’t say one way or the other what I’d do, but I don’t think it’s selfish or wrong to leave. We have the right to pick within reason what kind of life we want.
Post # 5
I’ve never been there, so I know I shouldn’t pass judgement…
But I’m in it for better or for worse. I may not enjoy it, but I love him unconditionally. That means I would stay.
Post # 6
I can kind of see it happening if they were just bf/gf. But they’re engaged. Meaning he wanted to make the commitment to be with her for the rest of his life, through thick and think. So if this is his attitude now, what is stopping him from leaving a spouse in the future for the same reason.
“He explained that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with a dependent spouse, and that she wasn’t in a wheelchair when he met her and made the commitment”
that is a piss poor excuse, because of what I just said. Okay so say he married her and there was an accident and she was paralyzed. So does that make his commitment to her null and void because she wasn’t a dependent spouse when they got married?
However, I am not in the situation… so it’s not a place for me to judge. She can look at it this way, at least she’s not marrying a guy that will run at the first sign of trouble.
Post # 7
@bebero: I just realized that! I’m a goof. I put it in now.
Post # 8
now that I see your poll, I have to add: I would DEFINITELY hire outside help, whatever I have to do to afford it
Post # 9
your poll isn’t showing up
Personally I think this behaviour is disgusting. Yeah its stressful and difficult, but that doesn’t mean its ok to run away from it. He sounds like a coward.
Sorry to be harsh on your friend but just hearing about this makes my blood boil.
I know older couples with dependent spouses, one like this with the woman in a wheelchair because of a car accident. The kids were older and helped too. That’s what families do, and when you’re committing yourself to marrying someone they are your family.
I have considered how this might be if Fiance or I have something happen. I trust him to take care me as I would him. It wouldn’t be easy but I love him unconditionally.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
They were engaged and planning a wedding, he gets them in an accident that causes her to be paralyzed and then he leaves her because she’s paralyzed. That is a pretty dick move. He could at least put off the wedding for a year or two and see if he can deal with it or not. I guess I can say (with a heavy heart), at least she learned that he wasn’t totally committed to her before they got married.
Post # 11
I am the dependent person in our relationship. In our situation it is (hopefully) not permanent, but it is/has been long term. FH takes care of me and is my rock. I wasn’t sick when I met him either. These kinds of stories make me so sad, because everyone should be as lucky as me to find a wonderful partner who truly believes in sickness and in health.
Post # 12
@BoxerLady: Gosh, as I read this of course I thought ‘WHAT A DICK!’ (in regards to your friend). Having never lived it, I of course would hope that I have the strength to LOVE THAT PERSON thru SICKNESS AND HEALTH, TIL DEATH DO US PART, but honestly, a lot lesser things have occurred in marriages that have caused a divorce.
I know, here on the bee, I have read countless bees post about other forms of dependency, albeit not just physical. People go thru chemical dependecies, prolonged mental health inssues/dependencies, etc. And I always urge them in writing, or mentally, to keep working at it.
Honestly, I think (hope, pray) I would stand by my partners side, especially in marriage, because he is my best friend at the core of it all. Would paralysis, etc, change that?! No. However, it would change him (I would think); emotionally, mentally, etc, and thus me too. And maybe even ‘us’. But, I know for certain, my response IF it came to ending it, would not be ‘i cannot be with someone whom is paralyzed’, but rather ‘i am no longer compatible with who he became’, etc. But only if I tried every possible way to be ‘there’.
This is a toughie 🙁
Post # 13
Wow, I can’t imagine ever leaving my husband for anything. If he becamse paralyzed it would be really tough but I wouldn’t leave him because of it. I wouldn’t be his caretaker though, I would hire a nurse. Of course, I would take care of him but I don’t think you can really sustain a healthy marriage if you become the nurse.
Post # 14
@BoxerLady: that was already his Fiance meaning he had already asked her to marry him so I think it is very shallow for him to leave. She is still capable of loving and beign a wonderful spouse.
Just b/c she is in a wheelchair doesn’t make her dependant. I have a cousin in a wc who can’t walk that lives a very normal life and he isn’t dependent on anyone. Many people work and take care of themselves just fine…..the only thing she can’t do is walk…..she can still learn to lead a normal life.
I know exactly what I would do…….be supportive and LOVE them regardless and I sure wouldn’t leave!
By asking someone to marry me or accepting marriage you are already choosing to make a commitment to that person …….that is how I see it.So you ask what I would do I would stay with the person and help them recover and do whatever it took to be by their side thru good times and bad. I wouldn’t leave just b/c someone couldn’t walk but thats me.
Edit…….not sure why my repsonse has so many spaces in it!
Post # 15
@BoxerLady: Was the accident his fault?
IMO, there is a different commitment level between being engaged & being married. If I was engaged & in this situation I would try to make it work. If I were married & was in this situation, I would make it work. There’s a difference, however knowing me I wouldn’t leave because of that. I know people who’s doctors told them they wouldn’t survive & they did… & friends of friends have been told one thing by doctors & they were okay. I wouldn’t give up hope that my SO would be able to walk one day.
Post # 16
Many things change with something like this.
For example, I want children. If I can’t have children with my husband because he can’t take care of them, for me that would be a deal breaker. And I don’t think I’m being selfish, but there are some things that I’m not willing to give up.