Post # 1
I have been having a really rough week. I originally didn’t want to post anyting, but feel like it will help to get this out.
Last weekend started with a panicked call from my mom telling me my brother was on his way to the hospital after a snwboarding accident. He was in a really bad car accident this past summer (6 days before my wedding) where he shattered his pelvis. This time it was his kidney. He somehow laserated his right kidney and had internal bleeding. They ended up waiting to see how it would do on its own before sending him to surgery. Luckily the bleeding stopped and now they are just monitoring him to make sure the kidney starts to heal. He is doing better, but could still loose the kidney.
Two days after the call from my mom about my brother, I get another devistating call from my mom.
I am almost 28 weeks pregnant and my older sister was 3 months behind me. My sister has been through 2 miscarriges and 2 failed attempts at IVF in the past 3 years. She got pregnant naturally after her and her husband had given up and come to terms with not having any children together (my sister has a 17 year old son from her previous marriage). Because of her age (42), my sister went through all of the genetic testing. She announced on christmas eve that all the tests came back completely normal and the baby is a girl! I was so happy that we were both having little girls, just 3 months apart. Our family talked all through christmas eve and christmas about how lucky we were and how our daughters would be best friends.
Well, this past weekend she started getting sever cramps and was in full on labor by the time they got to the hospital. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, but at just 14 weeks she was too little to survive. My sister was able to hold the baby for a while and say good-bye. The doctors have no idea why it happened. The baby and placenta looked completely healthy. The next day my sister named her and had her cremated. We are going to have a little ceremony in the spring and burry her as well as plant a tree for her. It is so tough to sit here with a healthy pregnancy while she goes through this pain. My first instinct was to giver her space, but she asked me to come over and I sat with her as she cried and she was very adiment that my baby be celebrated and talked about just as much as before. However, it is just so hard. I know that our daughter will forever be a reminder for her of what could have been.
At this point I feel like hiding away from the family. I don’t want to walk around with my big prenant belly while we are all morning the loss of the baby. I feel so guilty talking about the baby and being excited for her arrival. I haven’t been able to stop crying and I feel so angry that this had to happen to her. She deserves to be happy and this pregnancy was so promising. She is 42 and does not plan to try again as her body just can’t seem to carry a baby. Her DH is against adoption and has been from the start. Honestly, I would offer to be a surrogate for her if I was older and done having my own children. However, I am only 24 and DH and I are just starting our own family.
I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just a virtual shoulder to cry on. I have no idea what to say to her or what to do for her. I know I can’t make it better, but I just feel so helpless. I am so greatful every day that my baby continues to grow and develop inside of me, but also feel guilty and angry that the world can be such an unfair place.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry for your sister and you and your whole family about the loss of her baby. It’s so awful that the world isn’t fair; obviously, if it were, her much-wanted and much-loved baby would have survived. I’m terribly sorry for all the pain your family is going through. What you are feeling is normal and natural under the circumstances. I would urge you to allow yourself to feel what you feel – don’t try to fight it – and to be a shoulder for your sister as much as you can be. It’s so hard to mourn one baby and celebrate another at the same time.
Post # 4
@MrsMath: I’m so sorry your going through such a terrible time right now, and what has hapened to your family and is awful and hard for anyone or family to get through. It’s also really terrible timing both yur brothers accident so close to your wedding and now with your sister loosing the baby when you are pregnant.
Having said that, you are young, fairly recently married and starting your family. Your sister has a child (teenager) already and although loosing a baby is the most terrible thing ever and you can never come to terms with it her and her husband had come to terms with the thought they may never have a child together. These things happen and there is nothing you could have done.
You shouldn’t feel that you have to hide away or feel bad because you still have your baby, and you have the right to feel excited about your first pregnancy. It is terrible timing but I’m sure your family understand and wouldn’t want you to feel terrible about your baby because of what has tragically happened to your sister.
Nothing wrong with just being a little careful not to go on too much when in front of your sister, but doesn;t mean you can;t be excited or they can’t see your bump!
Chin up, things will get better and again so sorry for all that has happened xx
Post # 5
Your sister sounds like a wonderful, wonderful person to want to celebrate your baby even after the loss of her own. She will be a fantastic aunt.
Post # 6
Gosh this made me so sad and teary eyed. I am so so sorry for your sister’s loss, how absolutely devastating for all of you. It sounds like your sister wants to celebrate your baby, please don’t feel guilty that you are able to carry this baby and she has had such unfortunate luck in the baby department. But maybe let this be an opportunity for her to be an auntie and love your baby to death even though she can’t have her own. Your sister has probably gone through so many emotions with her fertility roller coaster that you can’t even begin to imagine. And many levels of acceptance. Don’t hide, be there for her, and if she says she wants to celebrate your baby, let her do that.
Again, so so sorry this happened.
Post # 7
Oh honey, I am so, so sorry to hear about everything you and your family are dealing with right now. I’m so glad that your brother is doing better. That must have been so scary for you all. I know he’s not out of the woods yet, so I hope his recovery continues to go well!
And what a devastating loss for your sister and your whole family. I know you feel guilty and I probably would, too. The very best thing you can do for your sister is to just to be there for her and help her cope. And don’t forget — your sister loves you and is going to love your baby like crazy. Just as you’re heartbroken for her, her heart is full of love for you and your baby. Even though she’s grieving her own loss, I’m sure she would never want to take away from your joy. Even though it may hurt for her at first, your baby is going to be a blessing to your entire family, and I really hope you can all come together and heal together.
Hugs and happy thoughts!
Post # 8
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
Post # 9
I am so sorry for everything your family is going through.
I had a similar week earlier in my pregnancy and it sucked. My mom was diagnoised with breast cancer and my best friend had an etopic pregnancy and had emergency surgery to have her tubes removed. She has due two monthes behind me. It was her second etopic pregnancy and now she will never be able to get pregnant naturally (and I am pretty sure they will not be able to afford other options). It left me feeling unbearably sad and not knowing how to act around her. After a few weeks of focusing on her and her feelings, we had a talk about I expressed how I was feeling- guilty, and afraid to talk about my pregnancy. She said she wanted to talk about it as much as before but I told her I wouldn’t bring up the baby but would always be willing to discuss things when she brought it up or asked questions. It has worked well for us, and true to her word she has been just as involved and interested as she was before.
I know it is rough but you and your family will get through it. Do what you can to support your sister and family, but make sure you focus on taking care of yourself as well. ::hugs::
Post # 10
I am so sorry for you. It’s been rough but you sound so strong. And so does your sister! She took the time in her pain to still celebrate your little girl and make it known she wants to still celebrate. Sometimes we can over think someone’s pain as much as we can underestimate it. I wouldn’t hide away because your sister does want your joy. She wants to be included in your daughter’s life even now and letting you know it. Of course, be sensitive to her but don’t baby her. She doesn’t seem to want that. She knows the joy of a child and she wants you to enjoy it. Don’t feel bad – you have a great gift. If anything, you know to cherish it more.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister’s loss and your brother’s accident. If you can, try not to feel guilty for the life that you are carrying. She’s not only your baby but your sister’s niece, and if your sister wants to talk about her and celebrate her, then you should honor that. Maybe your sister doesn’t want space right now; maybe she really does need people to address what happened and talk about it in an open way instead of treating it like a taboo. I really hope that the new year brings peace, not only for your sister but for you as well. Big hugs!
Post # 12
Hugs to you and your family, this all sounds quite terrible and stressful. Please take care. The world isn’t fair, unfortunately =(
Post # 13
I’m so sorry, Mrs Math! I know your family was so excited about having little baby cousins, and I am so heartbroken for your sister. The part about her wanting to still celebrate your baby made me tear up. She sounds like an amazing person, and even though it is hard for you, I’d just try to be there for her in whatever way she needs (which is sounds like you’re already doing), and continue to prepare and be excited for your own LO.
Gah. So, so sad. Hugs to you, dear. Also thinking about your brother and hoping for a speedy recovery!
Post # 14
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry your sister had to face such heartache and that you now dont feel happy to celebrate your baby, but your sister is right your baby should be celebrated and talked about. I am sure (and knock on wood) if the tables were reversed you would want the same for your sister, to celebrate this happy miracle. However, I am sure its hard and you should take your time, take all the time you need to for your sister. I have two oldest sisters too, so i know you feel her pain regardless of what anyone may say. How about if you use your sister’s baby’s first name as your baby’s middle name to honor her? Would your sister be okay with it? I know someone who did that for her SIL and her SIL was very honored and happy for this. I know right now its too soon to ask her that, but maybe in a couple of months, closer to your due date? Big Virtual Hugs, lady. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
Post # 15
That is horrible! I’m so sorry for you and your sister. It’s completely normal to have feelins of “survivor’s guilt” in a situation like this. But try to listen to your sister. She seems to be gaining hope and pleasure from the fact that you’re still prognant, so don’t feel like you have to try to hide it from her. Let her guide you as to how you can be supportive of her. I’ll keep you all in my prayers!
Post # 16
I’m so sorry:( Don’t feel guilty- your family loves you, and your healthy baby will be such a happy time for everyone despite the recent misfortunes. Hugs and positive thoughts to you:)