A Different Kind of Timeline/ Measuring Up

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

peachykeener:  First off, I’m sorry you are in this situation. I feel like after 3.5 years, he should know weather you two are going to work out or not (or at least if that is what he wants). I suppose I could understand if something big in his life happened that changed things. But if you’ve been steadily dating for that long and he is still unsure, I’d say you may need to cut your losses. Sorry to be rash.

But to answer your question of when he should be getting credit: Anytime he goes out of the way for you. He doesn’t have to get you flowers and chocolates every night, but little things like making you dinner or hot chocolate, helping you with things when you’re busy. Anything that has 0 value to him and he does just for you. Don’t expect him to wait on you hand and foot. You should be doing things for him too.

He should be having open and honest converstions with you. You need to get to the bottom of his doubts. Is it because of something about you? (i.e. too needy, too moody, too “insert something here”). Or is it because he has his own commitment issues? He may not even know why he is having doubts, but talking about them with you might help you both understand where the doubts are coming from and how to address them.

I think it will be obvious if he really is putting in the effort, you’ll see a change in his behavior and mood, and you need to recipricate that so he doesn’t feel like it’s futile. I know it will probably be hard to do after the hurtful things he said, but all relationships take work, and this is some of the harder work you’ll have to do.

That is my two cents. I hope things work out for you OP. Good luck.

Post # 3
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

I think you can tell if he’s putting in effort if the things that you have brought to his attention have stated to change. for instance, my SO and i are in a LDR. one of the things that is extremely important to me is communication, seeinf that majority of the time, that is all we have… I’m one of those crazy ppl that likes to talk to her SO at least twice a day, first person in the am and last person at night (usually). That was not so important to him, and now it is. He makes it a priority of his to call me before he leaves the house to go to work… and As soon as he gets in, he touches base with me. THis is just how our relationship has become with months and months of me nagging about communication…. he finally gets that its important to me and its a part of keeping me happy… there are other areas that he is still working on…

I guess, as you guys talk and grow as a couple, point out things that you both would like to work on. and work on it for about a month or two… after about 3 months, it becomes habit. Just dont expect all changes to happen at once… that would be setting yourself up for disappointment.

on another note, read that he’s moving in September for a good lenght of time… LDRs can be very trying… but if you have resolved that he is the one, stick it out… but COMPROMISE will become your best friend! and at times you will ask your self why are you doing this (especially if you arent engaged) but continue to focus on the good and not the bad… because the good always outlasts the bad!

Post # 4
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

 

peachykeener:  I have to say I admire you for recognizing that he needs space and not pushing him. I don’t know that I could not keep pressing the issue (one of my faults). But this time is kind of unfair to you.. I know sometimes that is just the way it has to be, but he has to realize that this is really trying on you and its like every hug and kiss is a little stab because it reminds you of whats going on. 

Recognizing him making efforts would be anything including “us” or “we” in the future. Showing he does see you there. It would be him being extra understanding and patient when something is bothering you (whether about the relationship or something else). It would be him actually talking things through. Extra “miss you or love you” through out the day that you wouldn’t normally get. But i still think the main thing would be him flat out telling you “sorry for being stupid and i want to make this work”. He needs to be sure when he leaves, he can’t drag you on for that long. If he cant give you that 100% answer then you deserve better. 

Post # 5
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The only sign of his commitment is an actual commitment: buying a ring, putting it on your finger, and setting a marriage date.

I applaud your patience. If there’s a lot going on in his life, you owe him a little time before ending a 3.5 year relationship. But taking you on a lot of fancy dates isn’t a sign he’s serious, neither is buying you gifts, or spending a lot of time with you, or cooking dinner, or rubbing your feet.  Deciding he wants to spend the rest of his life with you is serious.  Of course he broke down when you hinted about breaking up.  He loves you, has been with you 3.5 years, and his life would be turned upsidedown if it happened.  Doesn’t mean he’s serious about you.    

If marriage is an important goal to you, you might need to consider moving out if your BF doesn’t decide soon.  You want him to show you he’s serious about the relationship, you need to show him you’re serious about marriage.      

Post # 6
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

peachykeener:  Sorry.  My prior advice still stands.  If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years together and 2 of those living together, then the answer is most likely that he doesn’t see a future with you.  If he’s planning to move soon he is probably holding onto this relationship just long enough that he won’t ahve to deal with breaking up until right before or after he moves.  I had a guy friend do it to a girl he was dating because he didn’t want to be alone until he had to be.

Personally I don’t think there is anything he can do at this point to prove he sees a future with you aside from proposing marriage so you can move with him.

Post # 8
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

peachykeener:  Sorry if I get details wrong, but I think you two are about to be in an LDR? If that’s the case I think he needs to figure out if it’s only the prospect of an LDR making him nervous. I am in an LDR and when it started I was unsure in the sense that I had no idea how we would cope and if it would work out. I know that you’ll probably want to be out of “limbo” before the LDR. However, you will know very quickly into an LDR if things are fixed between you two. I know it can be hard but I think the LDR will tell both of you whether you’re sure or not and maybe just enjoy the time you have now? Sorry you have to go through this, OP, *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I personally wouldn’t waste another day with someone who wasn’t sure about us. If he’s not sure after 3+ years then he probably won’t ever be sure. You have to ask yourself, how long are you willing to wait around for someone who is telling you they might not be there? 

I’m usually not one to be in favor of breaks, but I really think you two need a break. Like a legit no contact break for at least 2 weeks. That might be the kick in the ass he needs to make a decision, because honestly, if you show him you’re willing to wait for him to figure it out, that’s what he’s gonna do. Make you wait. 

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

peachykeener:  I’m not recommending an ultimatum or proposal in any way.  I still support my previous recommendation to leave him.  You asked what he could do at this point to prove to you he sees a future with you and imo it needs to be one of two things: 1) propose; or 2) invite you to move with him (which I would advise against if he’s not also proposing.)

Post # 12
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Look, SO and I dated for almost 8 years before getting engaged, and we are older than the two of you. So the “he must propose after 3 years or else” mentality isn’t shared by me. However, looking at the circumstances, and listening to what he has said, I do not believe this man is planning on proposing to you anytime soon. And by anytime soon, I mean years. I think you need to see how long distance works out for the next two years. A proposal isn’t going to make the distance shorter.

As for right now, I’m not sure how this guy is supposed to come up with a timeline when he’s already said he’s not sure and not ready and is moving so far away. I don’t mean to be harsh; I know this is a tough situation.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  MsW-to-MrsM.
Post # 13
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Also, why is he leaving? Why is it not possible for the two of you to be in the same location?

 

Post # 14
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It is not an ultimatum. It is not some female manipulation trick. It is respecting yourself. You know what you want (or you should!).  If he doesn’t want the same things, then the relationship should end. 3.5 years of dating doesn’t mean that you should get married, it means that you should share the same goals and plans.  It’s great that you are giving your BF some time to meet your needs, but never forget those needs deserve to be met.  Respect yourself and don’t settle for someone who can’t give you what you want.             

Post # 15
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Usually I’m all in favor of moving on if it looks like you’re not going to get your needs (the committment you want) met in a relationship. But a lot of people here are saying, “if he doesn’t know in 3.5 years if this relationship is gonna work he’s never gonna know…” and that’s just not true. 3 of my siblings got engaged after 6+ years of dating. They are all very happily married now.

I think the main problem for your relationship is that it is soon to be an LTR. You both a still quite young, and your BF likely just does not feel ready to tie himself down, when so much possibility still stands ahead of him. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, but he is just not thinking that he wants to settle down right now. I can think of various times I was dating while living abroad or in a place I knew to be temporary, and I know the exact feeling.

Here is my advice – use his departure date as a natural timeline for your engagement. Remain in the relationship, enjoying and loving each other until then. If he leaves for his whatever and still hasn’t proposed, send him a letter that you can start writing now, so you have it perfectly crafted by the time he goes. In the letter, tell him that without any formal commitment, you just don’t think it is a good idea for you to continue being in a relationship with each other while he is gone. Tell him you think you should both move on and have other experiences with other people, but remain in touch and maintain a loving friendship. Someday, maybe he will come back and the time will be right for you two, but while he is gone, you need to be free.

A requirement for this plan is to actually maintain a loving friendship with him while he’s gone. No game playing, trying to make him jealous, passive aggressive behaviour, stalking, etc. Let him do his thing and be with other people. The best way for you to get through this hard time is for you to actually let him go, and allow other people into your life – a new man is always the cure for breakup heartache.

When he comes back, who knows – maybe you two will get back together, and you both will very likely be thankful for the two years of freedom and experience you had… who knows who you will meet and where you will go and what you will do when you’re free of the burden of feeling like you have to be waiting for him, like a fish on a hook?

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