(Closed) A family rift and a heavy heart

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m sorry I really don’t have any advice, but I’m sending a hive {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}} your way!

Post # 4
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh sweetie *HUGS* I’m so very sorry about all this.  When my grandmother (mom’s mom) passed away almost 10 years there were a lot of issues regarding the will as well since she died of a sudden stroke.  Something I won’t forget is one of my uncles surprising us in our driveway after school (I was in gr.7 at that time) and yelling and screaming at my mom and kicking the car.  We ended up calling the cops and I’ve never seen or heard from my mom’s side of the family anymore.  I was so young but can still remember the emotions.  I can’t imagine what you’re going through since you’ve got your wedding to deal with too.  Maybe your dad can just invite his really good friends?  Non of my mom’s family is going to be at my wedding but it’s ok since it was so long ago and we were never close anyways. My grandparents lived a block from us and the rest of the family from mom’s side lived in Hong Kong.  Keep your chin up and be happy about what you have right now.  The last thing your dad needs is knowing that it’s ruining your weddng mood.  But you really do have to talk to him about this.  Hopefully he will just say to not invite her and you guys can end all ties with them.  They don’t seem like they deserve you guys anyways.  Sometimes people make choices in life that we don’t like and at times it will hurt us.  But always just remember what you DO have and keep focusing on those things.  BE HAPPY!!!!!  *HUGS*

Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Post # 6
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I would think your dad would be relieved that you’re not inviting them!  He won’t feel out of place, he’ll be surrounded by people that love you all.  He won’t be thinking about them, don’t worry about it.  My dad thinks of my mom’s family as his "true" family, and never gives a second thought about anyone else.  Don’t let it ruin your day hun, I’m sure your dad will only be thinking of you and all the happiness your future has to hold!!

Post # 7
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

Your dad is blessed to have a daughter like you and vice versa.  *hugs*

Post # 8
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am going through the same thing…aunt passed away December 08, one aunt is threatening to sue other aunt over estate (there was a will). I have decided not to invite the rogue aunt to the wedding so my father will only have 2-3 family members out of ~130 guests (and my parents are divorced).  People are pissed off, but I dont want anyone that I do not personally like or respect at my wedding, regardless of the family ties.

However, if you and your aunt had a good relationship before this incident (not the case in my situation), I caution against not inviting her.  I am completely prepared to never speak to my aunt again.  Are you ready to sever the relationship completely?  If the answer is yes, then dont worry about her hurt feelings.  She isnt worried about how her actions are affecting the rest of the family.

Post # 9
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yes your father is BLESSED to have you as a daughter.  How about making his fathers day this year very special and you take him out to a special brunch and talk it over with him.  He is carrying a heavy heart right now and I’m so saddened your aunt became greedy and she will learn sadly that money CANNOT take the place of the love of family.

She will learn it the hard way.  My great grandmother died shortly after I was born and had significant assets.  Her youngest son, from her last husband, not only challenged her will, but took many household treasures, many of which were supposed to go to my sister and I.  It caused him to basically become over the years excommunicated from the family and nobody looked at him or his family the same after his greed shone through.  This will be the lot of your aunt sadly.  She has chosen poorly.  And your dad is taking the high road.  I’ll keep all of you in my prayers.

((((((craftypants and dad))))))))

I am also sorry for the many losses. 

  

Post # 10
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Ugh.  I’m so sorry to hear this.

I support your decision to not invite your aunt or cousins.

There was what seemed to be a minor rift in my family with one uncle having a grudge against one aunt.  Well, he used my wedding as a venue to spew decades worth of stored venom against my aunt.  Then another aunt got involved.  The day after the wedding (everyone stayed together at a lodge), the 2 aunts were in the parking lot with one screaming and crying.  Guests were drawn to the windows by the screaming and it was a big ugly scene.

I haven’t seen the aunt who caused the big parking lot scene since my wedding, and if it weren’t for the fact that she basically controls the family’s access to her husband (my mom’s brother) and my cousins I would have written her off long ago.

This drama basically ruined my wedding  for my mother.  I feel horrible about that.  To steal someone’s joy is unforgivable.  I’ve been married 6 months and I’m still trying to come to terms with this major rift in my previously close family.  I don’t know what will happen in the future.

I don’t wish what happened to my mom (or me) to happen to your dad (or you).  If you think this aunt will cause trouble at your wedding, or in any way detract for your father’s enjoyment of it, I would say not to invite her (same applies for your cousins).

Good luck with all of this.  Try not to let it put a damper on your wedding excitement.  I know from personal experience that it’s a hard thing to do, but try your best.

Post # 12
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s horrible that this kind of thing happens, but I think it’s actually pretty common.  My dad has barely spoken to his brother or sister since my grandmother died.  My sister and I are the only grandchildren, and my grandmother wanted us to have certain of her things (china and crystal) and also she left some property in trust for us.  My uncle and aunt thought they should have these things, and there was a lot of ugliness.  My dad finally made a few concessions, which he didn’t want to do as he saw it as betraying both his mother and his daughters, but my sister and I absolutely thought it was worth it just to have it be over, and so that he didn’t have to deal with them anymore.  None of us even send them Christmas cards anymore, and I doubt we will ever be reconciled, but I can’t say that upsets me at all, based on the heartache that I saw them cause my dad.

Anyway, in your position, I guess that I would at least talk to your dad.  Let him know that you don’t plan to invite your aunt or cousins from his side of the family – because of your concerns (and actually that’s smart – an attorney would tell you to talk to them as little as possible) and because after their behavior you really don’t want them there.  But also let him know that you’re concerned for him, and how much you miss the members of his family who are gone.  I know that after my grandmother passed away, my dad changed a lot – and while he wasn’t a lot more likely to talk about his feelings, he did appreciate knowing that we also missed his mom, and how much we loved him.  You can absolutely reach out to your dad that way.  And even though his family won’t be there, maybe he has some close friends you can invite?  We had a couple of my dad’s friends from high school and college to our wedding – people he doesn’t see very often any more – and it really meant a lot to him.

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