(Closed) a father dilemma…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

asking someone to pay for something when you haven’t seen them in forever seems weird to me. 

Post # 4
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am so sorry you don’t have a (good) relationship with your Dad. Now, unbiased Bee looking in, he has made it clear that he doesn’t have/want to give you money regardless of the after wedding gesture. I wouldn’t pressure him or reask. I understand it is frusturating. And you are hurt. But when it comes down to it, you have already asked and he has decline (rather deferred). I would chalk up that lose, do the right thing and invite him to the wedding as planned. And he will probably feel kinda crappy when your brothers step up to the plate in place of him. You can’t force people to help you with your wedding, because in the end, its your wedding and any monetary assistance is just very kind, no required. I wouldn’t let it get to you that much because you are doing a kickass job of having this wedding on your own. And, maybe I am reading into this too much, but I kinda think talknig about this with your Mom may  amplify how much this effects you. She has a biased opinion and may inadvertently fuel the fire. Keep your head up and know youve worked your tush off to give yourself an amazing day! 

Post # 5
Member
14311 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont think you should ask him for money again, not only because of the strained relationship, but I just dont think anyone should ask for money for their wedding.  Something like that should only be offered imo.  Look at it from the story he would tell… he could be sitting there ranting about his daughter who got in touch with him, barely sees him, but is trying to get money for her wedding.  (Not that it went down that way, just another view to the situation).  If you’re going to invite him and you’re fairly certain he wont give you a gift, how about asking him to buy you the necklace as an early wedding gift to wear for the wedding?  Or if you truely dont care for a future relationship with him, and dont care if he comes, you could just not invite him… but make sure you are 100% sure about that and will not regret it in case, by some miracle, a good relationship does develop.

Post # 6
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d not ask him for any money again. If your mom really thinks he should contribute, then she can call him. I agree with PPs, invite him if you’d like, but don’t feel obligated if you don’t mind the consequences. My father’s not invited, and that’s entirely fine with me, but you need to make your own choices re: him and your (possible) future relationship. 

One big thing that I’ve had to teach myself, and reaffirm all the time, is that he is an adult, he can make his choices, but I get to choose how they affect me. So while it seems that in my situation my father might be a bit more harsh/bitter/w/e, it seems that we both have strained relationships with our fathers. I’ve learned to expect nothing, not be hurt when things *almost always* aren’t as they ‘should’ be, and live for me and my loved ones that support me. You deserve to have a great time on your big day with your brothers and loved ones, so just don’t worry about your father and his lack of contribution. Focus on all of the love that you do have πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I know my mom doesn’t want to give a gift before the wedding or help out. She has money and does not want to spend it on my wedding. Part of me is sad, but it is her money. Her not contributing is not done to spite me. She completely supports me getting married, and wants me to have the wedding I want. Part of her logic is that money is power, and she does not want to write a check with no strings, and she really wants me to have the wedding I want, with as few outside influences as possible. I think she feels like if she gives money, then she has a right to opinions, and its not her place to have opinions so she shldn’t give money. I asked her once if she was willing to contribute and she said no. There was no waivering. She had clearly thought about it and decided. I refuse to ask her again. Its not my money. She does not owe it to me. I asked the first time because I was creating a budget, and I honestly didn’t know what her plans were. My dad, (who is giving a lot) (they’re separated) keeps pushing me to ask her again, but I won’t. Its awkward and weird. I would be very surprised if she changed her mind. I don’t want to nag. If she doesn’t give anything we will be fine. So my plan is to smile and nod when my dad asks me to ask her for money again, and then not do it. Because its just not my money, and not my place. If it makes any difference, I’m pretty sure she will give me a wedding gift. I have no clue if it will be a hundred bucks or a couple thousand. She gets to pick, and whatever it is, even if its just her helping me get dressed the day of, I will be happy with it. Weddings are not about gifts. They are about you starting your life with your FI.

Post # 11
Member
14311 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Sparkle Pony:  Well, if you are sure, I’d say dont invite him.  There’s no need for the added stress and resentment of seeing him there on your wedding day.  Wow, he made you cash in your bonds to use the money?!  That’s pretty damn crappy!  Maybe you should send the letter… it could be theraputic to get that off your chest and tell it to him like it is?… but I feel like it still may not help because he cant do or tell you anything to make up for what he’s done/havent done as a father.  

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