A few weeks out and it's not exactly butterflies and fairydust

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4138 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If he had told you he wanted to buy it in advance, what would your reaction had been? 

Post # 5
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@nelsondela: I wonder if you are having these clashes because you are both stressed out and scared. It’s ok to be both but maybe you should chat about it.

Post # 7
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@nelsondela:  I feel for you right now I really do… I think of this is wedding stress, I myself am ashamed of how snarky I got my dh the night before our wedding, I even asked as he was leaving if he was sure I’d show… He’d let people make decision for him without thinking of me for the 2 days before which was out of character for him. So I’d guess that some of this is stress but I also understand the buying unnecessary stuff thing… My dh was retrenched before we got married and it took us nearly a year and a half to clear the debt from it… Once we were just clear there were things he wanted to buy like boxed blu-ray sets and a gps (I agreed to that one eventually) and a blu-ray player (Also caved on this one) and a few other expensive unnecessary things… After a couple of intense fights which left me in tears and him grumpy and refusing to buy it anymore, we eventually found a system that works for us.

Anytime either of us wants to buy anything expensive we discuss it first (I’m going to say anything above R250 (south african rands) so about $25 (US)) – to be fair $25 is probably a lot less than R250 bgut you get the picture. We will go have a look at what the prices are and then go sit and have a cup of coffee and discuss 1.If we need it 2.If we don’t need it why do we want it 3. Can we afford it. Generally after he has some time to sit and think about why he wants it or feels he needs it, he can see that the money would be better put into savings for a deposit on a house. But he often needs just that hour to think it all through and talk it through. My dh earns a lot more than me so in the end he knows i wont stop him ffrom spending his money but logic usually wins through

Post # 8
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@nelsondela:  I understand you are miffed but try to keep this in context. It sounds like this warrants a calm discussion. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you over $150. My FH does the same crap so yes, I agree, it’s ANNOYING! But technically, it is his money, not ours, so I get a bit steamed and get over it. WTF!

Talk to him when you are both calm is my best advice.

Post # 9
8389 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@nelsondela:  Have you guys had a discussion about how you will handle your finances?  I would highly recommend that you both talk about what your expectations are for financial responsibility, especially when it comes to the purchase of luxury items.  My husband and I have the same interests, so when we want to purchase a video game or new computer speakers/video card/etc, neither one of us feels it’s an “absurd” purchase.  Since I never give him grief about these things, he has no problem talking to me about it. 

Post # 12
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Speaking to your fear of losing your identity within each other… I understand that because it one thing that always bothered me about marriage (esp in my section of the US) was how fast women tended to just submerge their identities – they were no longer their own person but their identity and life totally defined by being wife/mother. That wasn’t marriage to me, that was endentured servitude. 

There’s a poem by Khalil Gibran, called Marriage, which I thought was a lovely meditation on what a real marriage should be.  We actually used this poem during our marriage ceremony, maybe it will help calm your nerves a bit too.Marriage should not mean losing your identity or independence – it should foritfy it and strengthen your real self.


Then Almitra spoke again and said, ‘And what of Marriage, master?’

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Khalil Gibran
As for the speaker/$150 – pick your battles.  It’s not worth getting upset over relatively minor stuff at a time like this. He obviously knew you were going to get upset so he told a fib to try and avoid it – and made it worse.  He obviously felt very bad about doing so.  Forget it and move on, it’s not worth the upset and effort in the scheme of things.

Post # 14
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think this is a bog thing to be upset about, sure, re-itterate that you said you would always discuss purchaces over 100 bucks, but consider that things like speakers are like shoes or clothes to most wonen. Have you ever bought shoes you don’t need but just want? Or a handbag, dress, jewellery,lipstick? I know I have and sometimes ratherexpensive ones. Technology is like this for boys.

He probably didn’t want to tell you because he knew what your reaction would be. I’d say forgive him this one.

Oh and do try not to be angry at the wedding. A divorced friend of ours told how on his wedding day, his new wife pulled away and refused to kiss him at the “you may now kiss the bride part”. Hugely embarrasing for all concerned and a terrible start to married life.

For relationships to work, you need to be able to overlook little mistakes.

Good luck and I hope you get the butterflies back soon.

Post # 16
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@nelsondela:  So had this been a gift for you, would you have gotten upset? That seems a little unfair. If you had set a financial cap of $100, it shouldn’t matter if it is for you or him, and had it been under $100, if your finances aren’t combined at this point, it wouldn’t have been your business if he had bought a speaker when he already had a bunch.

That aside, the issue is he DID in fact buy something over the $100 you both agreed on, and that deserves a discussion. But, honestly like above PP said, I think you need to pick your battles. You guys are stressed because of the wedding. Perhaps you need to relax and he needs to pull his head away from the video games, and you guys need to do something together to remind yourselves why you are getting married. Perhaps a dinner? Movie? Or even just a nice walk in the park?

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