Post # 1
I am really frustrated and sad and feel like it is time to give up on a friendship.
I met this friend my freshman year in college and we ended up being roommates. We were joined at the hip for the whole year and even after she left the school we still remained close. I would visit her (six hours away) every chance I could and would often take time off work and school for special occassions when she asked.
To elaborate this friend is very insecure and often a downer. She lives with her parents and has a hard time keeping a job because of her attitude. I have many other friends including my Fiance that refuse to hang out with her because she is just so sensitive and moody. I often find myself walking on egg shells when I am around her but I have refused to give up on our relationship because of the history and time invested. I also attribute part of her approach to life to her weight and so I give her a break because who doesn’t know the frustrations of being overweight? I have had many friends tell me (includings guys she liked) She would be a lot prettier if she were nice/friendly/smiled/less bee-yotchy etc. That always made me so sad.
She got pregnant a couple years ago (on purpose to keep a guy that was using her for sex from joining the military) and I supported her through that. I took two days off work to drive down to help her and her mother with the baby shower. Last year I took another day off work to go down and celebrate her 30th birthday because she asked. Some crazy stuff happened and the current “sex buddy” of hers treated me horribly (I mean it was ridiculous!) and she didn’t stand up for me, tell him to stop…nothing. She just sat there and let some guy that used her for sex throw rude comments at me all night long. I confronted her about it and was very upset and left the next day. When my birthday rolled around a few months later I didn’t get a card, a call….nothing.
Now fast forward to my wedding. She recieve a STD in November and just got the invite yesterday. She FB messaged me (couldn’t call!) and told me because my wedding was on a Friday she couldn’t come, she didn’t want to take the time off work. Furthermore she wouldn’t be attending my shower either. Now I guess I can ignore the wedding issue despite my previous sacrifices as these are tough times and work is work. However, I find it hard to accept that she cannot drive two hours South to attend my shower on a Sunday afternoon despite all our history and friendship.
My Fiance has been telling me for years to give up and to just let her go. I am starting to accept the fact that she is never there for me and frankly has never gone out of her way to help me with anything, ever. It seems like our friendship is mostly me coming to her rescue or side when some “f*&K buddy” has wronged her or she is having a crisis.
Ugh I’m so frustrated and I hate feeling this way.
Post # 3
So sorry you are feeling this way((hugs)) Its really her loss because you sound like a terrific friend!
Post # 4
Some friendships are one sided, and it sounds like this one is. Cut her lose
Post # 5
If you’re going to cut her loose, I suggest you tell her why before you do so. She probably doesn’t even know that her behavior is hurtful.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. There are some people who are so caught up in their own problems that they are insensitive to the needs of their friends. You deserve better.
Post # 6
Ugh 🙁 Weddings bring so many things to a head. It is hard to have a relationship with someone when you are giving more to them than they are even giving to themselves. I would drive for you 🙂
Post # 7
@cbee: Ugh tell me about it.
@masqueradestars: Good point. I’m not sure how she will handle it/take it but I guess if I am moving on with out her that shouldn’t really be my concern.
Post # 8
I would definately let this “friend” go. It sounds like you have been the only one putting in an effort into the friendship.
Post # 9
I think you should listen to your Fiance on this one. I know these situations can be difficult & hurtful, but you have to do what’s best for you.
Post # 10
It sounds like you are a great friend, but are taken adavantage of. I would listen to your Fiance. You’ve done all you can to keep the relationship alive and she hasn’t.
Post # 11
As hard as it may be I say you need to cut her loose. I agree that you should tell her why (not harshly) but in as nice as can be way.
Post # 12
@Treejewel19: I wouldn’t even offer an explanation unless she called you wondering why you aren’t attentive to her any more. Inmy mind, SHE decided that she wanted to end the friendship by not really being all that supportive of you in the first place. If anything, you’d just be following her lead by not initiating any more contact.
If anything, you calling her specifically to say, “Ring ring! Hello, Blair? I was just calling to say I’m done being your friend because you suck.” will start more drama than probably you want to comfortably deal with.
I will say this: I am in a similar scenario with a “friend” I’ve had since 2nd grade. I had a very difficult situation come up where I had to have a medically induced miscarriage (refuse to call it an “abortion” because I wanted the baby) because of an out of control health problem of mine that would be dangerous to me and / or the baby. I called my friend for support, but instead she massacred me for making that horrible decision, even though my doctor strongly recommended it. It hurt. A LOT. And I’ve been grieving this friendship for a while, and I am only telling you my story so that you expect the same. It is normal to feel sadness for something that isn’t there anymore, and if you feel you need counseling, I would recommend it, because it’s tough. It’s like breaking up with someone. You have urges to go back, but you know deep down that it’s the best thing for you.
Post # 13
I would quietly cut ties. She isn’t trying, so the only time she is likely to notice is when she needs you. Her loss.
Post # 14
Yeah, just cut her loose, no explaination needed.
Post # 15
I know some others said that you should tell her why you are moving on, but I think that will start drama that you probably don’t want to be dealing with right now. I would quietly walk away. Stop returning her calls, if she wants to talk about her latest boy toy, tell her you are busy with wedding planning, don’t respond to messages on facebook. It sounds passive aggressive but maybe eventually she will get the hint that you have moved on. Otherwise, I think it will be making a bad situation even worse if you were to confront her about her not being a very good friend.
Post # 16
I think you should cut her loose and send an email or letter explaining why. She will probably get very angry at first, but hopefully she will have a moment of reflection and realize that you were right and learn how to stop sabotaging herself. If she tries to start drama after readong your note, just don’t engage.
ETA: the reason I suggested sending a npte is because she seems to be on denial about the fact that she is the cause of her problems and she could really use a wakeup call.