- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
My husband and I are financially set and somewhat recently married. Our obstacle is that we’re living in a one bedroom apartment and we’re house hunting. We’ve looked at 30 houses, bid on 3, all of which went no where (first 2 – we were beaten by others. Last house – they weren’t willing to come down on the asking price at all, and we decided it wasn’t worth it). We have been looking for almost a year now.
It’s the one roadblock on the way to trying to conceive. My husband says we’ll start trying by October even if we don’t have a house (and move into a two bedroom apartment), but I get the feeling that when October rolls around, it will become, “The moment we move into an apartment, we’ll get a house, so let’s just sit a while longer.” We had originally talked about TTC when we got married a few months ago.
Money is not the problem (and in fact, we’re fortunate to have a large down payment for a house…if ever we get one). I wouldn’t describe the market here as saturated, but we’re really only considering two cities. I don’t care WHERE we end up as long as it has at least two bedrooms – 3 bedrooms, 2 baths is ideal. We’ve seen countless bungalows and ranches that meet that basic requirement, but my husband wants a lot of space (where we live, anyway – 1500 square feet).
While I agree that’s nice, it’s becoming more and more obvious to me that we will likely not get a house if we keep hunting for that. I’ve suggested to him that maybe we should try looking for large, 2 bedroom houses (putting up some drywall and converting it into a 3 bedroom house isn’t that expensive or difficult), since the market is saturated with those. He won’t budge. I’ve suggested that maybe we should look for 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom houses, as those are also very prevalent. I get a noncommital “maybe,” but whenever I find houses matching that description, he isn’t interested.
I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve finally realized that when I find a house that’s less than 1500 square feet, and he agrees to see it, he’s humoring me. We get there, he complains, and we wind up wasting our realtor’s time. I think my husband has gotten spoiled with the bank-owned homes around here, as the houses we’ve bid on were 1500 square foot Colonials in great shape going for a great price (and, no surprise, competition for them is very high). Now it’s like he expects every house should be like that.
I could understand more if we had need for the space…but we don’t. We’re planning for no more than one child (twins don’t run in the family and I have no other reason to think I’d get a ‘surprise!” I’m adamant that I will never have more than two children, and we both agree that’s still excessive for our tastes). When we have people over, as long as we have a decent backyard and a decent basement, I see no reason why those couldn’t be our entertainment spots if the kitchen isn’t exactly a ballroom-esque room.
I’m just very disappointed because we went to an excellent house last night. Wonderful asking price, great neighborhood, only a few minor things that we could see that needed fixing. There was little counter space, but we could have worked around that. My husband wasn’t happy with it and we didn’t bid. Several other things like this have surfaced with houses we’ve seen. Sometimes, I feel like he focuses on very small details, and we will never win because something is always going to be wrong with a house we see.
In the meantime, I’m beginning to feel like we’ll never have a baby. We have been looking for a house long enough at this point that when people ask how the hunt is going, I have to do my best not to start laughing. My husband says he wants a house – but I’m often the one searching for places and coaxing him to take a look before we schedule an appointment. I don’t feel I have ever pressured him into looking for a house, and it was his idea.
What would you do in my position? I feel like I should just back out altogether and see if he wants to do any research on his own. Part of me feels like the “House must be perfect” mentality is really a passive-aggressive way of making it appear he wants a house when he really doesn’t. Should I just start looking into two bedroom apartments? He says he wants a child very soon, but maybe that’s not the whole truth either. I don’t believe him to be a conscious liar – maybe he does want these things but fear holds him back so he starts finding things wrong with the whole process.
I am not opposed to moving while I’m pregnant. I am getting tired of holding up our lives, though (a sentiment he says he shares). But, he insists that we not start trying until we get a place. My hands feel like they’re tied. No baby until we get a house, but in my opinion, his standards are too high for such a narrow market; no apartment because “You never know what house is around the corner…”
I believed that for the first several months, but as we close in on the year mark, I’ve just stopped believing it. I also think my husband sits for too long after we see a house. We really need to be bidding the same day – or at best the next – for many of the houses we’ve seen (we’ve learned a few times that when offers were accepted before ours, the offers were put in at about the time we *should* have bid). He tried to bid once 5 days after we had seen a particular house, and no surprise the contract was underway. I keep telling him, “It’s contingent upon an inspection, so if something goes wrong, you are not stuck,” but nothing. He takes too long, then gets frustrated that he “has to bid the same day” after seeing a house if there’s “any hope of getting it,” in his words.
How long should we put our lives on hold for this? I’m not happy with the way my husband’s managed this so far, and I’ve (gently) encouraged him to do things differently, but to no avail. I’m worried that we may still be in the same position in another year…in two…even beyond. And then I’m worried about how long it will actually take to get pregnant once we start TTC.
What would you do? I apologize in advance – I realize this is long. This is partially a vent, partially a sincere call for help.