- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Pregnancy rant time, yay!!!!!
I make a lot of jokes. My entire facebook and twitter feeds are all just jokes. I very rarely post anything that is NOT a joke — I mean, even if I’m having the worst day ever and just want to bitch about it, I will try to frame it in a funny way before posting, because it makes me feel better and makes people laugh.
But I’m telling you, something about being pregnant just turns EVERYTHING into a request for advice, apparently. And I’m rather irritated about it at the moment, so I’m posting this rant in a place where I’m sure everyone will totally agree with me 🙂
It doesn’t matter what complaint I make a joke about — the unwanted advice just starts rolling in. Here are some recent examples:
“My favorite thing about maternity pants is how they always want to fall down. Especially when I do strenuous things like walk, or put on shoes, or sit down.”
Responses included: “Sounds like your pants may be too big! Try getting some pants that fit better.” GEE THANKS OMG I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT NOW THAT YOU MENTION THAT. I HAVE NEVER WORN PANTS BEFORE SO YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT A CHALLENGE IT IS FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WORK.
“Well, today it finally happened. I went for a run on the trail down by the river, and my bladder’s cries got so intense (I peed right before I left the house) that I actually had to sneak down to the river and pee. I lasted 11 minutes. 11 minutes.“
Responses include: “Uh oh, be careful with that! You know you can get UTIs from peeing in bodies of water, right?” OH MAN, I HAD NO IDEA. DON’T I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT NOW SINCE I OBVIOUSLY WADED INTO THE RIVER UP TO MY WAIST TO PEE. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO.
“Yesterday my mom suggested that I look into prenatal yoga. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because come on. COME ON. Me doing yoga? Not happening. Ever.”
Respones included: “My friend’s dogwalker’s cousin didn’t like yoga either but then she had back pain while she was pregnant and she said yoga really helped!” OH WOW IF I’D KNOWN ABOUT YOUR FRIEND’S DOGWALKER’S COUSIN’S BACK PAIN WHICH I AM NOT HAVING THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN DOING YOGA THIS WHOLE TIME!!!
“Finally gave in and wore my giant sexy belly strap out to run. A couple people on the trail said ‘Good job!’ to me, but it was in that same tone you’d use to encourage a mentally challenged child trying to ride a bicycle backwards. I still took it as a compliment.”
Responses included: “If running is too high impact, you should try biking!” YOU SHOULD TRY NOT BEING A F***ING IDIOT.
Obviously, I did not actually SAY any of my all-caps responses. But you can bet that I thought them.
If someone makes a joke, it is customary to respond with either laughter or continuing the joke. Not offering totally unnecessary advice which seems to be based on the assumption that I am an utter moron with no problem-solving ability whatsoever. Just because I am pregnant, does not mean my personality will change so that I will suddenly have the patience for yoga and will suddenly forget how pants work. I’m still just as clever as always — I just pee more frequently now.
Anyone else care to join this particular rant?