Post # 1
Just need to vent a little. Tomorrow is our two-year anniversary, and when I got in (from missing my bus home from campus and having to walk after going to the gym, yaaay) I had an email from SO letting me know about stuff he’s got going on this weekend. Good news: lately he’s been springing it on me last minute when he’s doing stuff with “the dudes”– which I’m all for, having our own lives and stuff, but not when it means I can’t plan my own weekend. So I thought, yay, he listened! Except, bad news: he says he’s something dude night-related tomorrow night. No mention of anything anniversary-related.
I reminded him and he basically said “Oops, ok, we’re doing that instead, sorry.” So it’s not like he’s saying “Screw you and our anniversary, I do what I want!” but it still felt pretty crappy. Usually I’m pretty indifferent about things like this, I haven’t had a second anniversary with anyone, ever!
On top of that, I feel like we just haven’t been on the same page lately. I still love him like crazy and I think we can figure this out and have an amazing life together. I guess part of what’s bothering me is that I’m pretty sure I know generally when he’s going to propose (on a small trip in a few weeks) and I’m just not sure if I want to remember that as happening during what I feel is a rough patch. I know all of us waiting ladies are on this board because we want him to go ahead and propose, but do you ever have that feeling like it’s coming and the time isn’t what you’d wish?
Post # 3
That drives me crazy. It’s an important occasion so you think they must be thinking about it as much as you are. Then to find out it had completely slipped their mind, ugh, crushing. And it’s especially more crushing if you didn’t have a good day already. You never know, him proposing may make you completely forget about the fact that you were having a rough patch. Hope your luck turns around. 🙂
Post # 4
I’ve known of a lot of people who were having difficulties in their relationship when the man proposes. All of those people are super happy right now! I’m not saying that doing that predicts happiness, I’m just saying that sometimes, an engagement improves the difficulties. Or the difficulties make someone realize they want to get married because they’d rather be fighting with you than someone else. Who knows! I wouldn’t worry about your proposal being in the midst of struggle.
Post # 5
Thanks to both of you, that really helped. He and I had a good talk, and it really was one of those things where he just lost track of the calendar and flubbed it. We agreed that neither of us wants him to become forgetful or uncaring, or for me to become nagging and disappointed.
I’m also trying to kind of reframe what’s going on for me as a normal stage to go through. It sounds weird, especially on this board, but I was talking to my mom the other day and we both came to the conclusion that between her social group (aging hippies) and mine (college kids and overworked, mostly single grad students), neither of us has really known anyone who was waiting to be engaged! So you know what, I’m just going to say that what’s going on for me is pretty normal and have a little faith that it’ll all work out good.
Post # 6
One thing I’ve learned from my relationship and from this WB board is that we ALL have rough patches… tough waiting days. And we all need comfort and a place to vent. And that is what the Waiting Board is for! I’m so glad you posted!
Another thing I’ve learned is that I think the 2ish year mark is when things start to get a little…. different… in a relationship. The honeymoon stage is over. The “we’re a great couple and everything is great in our new-ish relationship” stage is over. And right around the end of the 2nd year is when things start to get a little “too settled in”. The woman starts to get restless. The man starts to get complacent. The relationship is no longer new and fresh. Your sex life starts to get into a rut. Life just…. is…. and it doesn’t seem to be changing or developing or progressing forward. This is kinda of when this started to happen for me too. And for me, it was shortly after our 2nd anniv. when I burst into tears in front of him b/c, on one particular night, a comment from him made me realize that (despite the fact that I thought he already “knew I was the one”…so I was just waiting for the proposal) he had no idea if I was “the one” and the thought of marriage had never crossed his mind. It totally crushed me.
My point is, I wouldn’t worry that things are “different” right now…and I especially wouldn’t let that “discourage” you from wanting an engagement (unless you’re having doubts about whether he’s “the one”). Relationships go through ebbs and flows. And relationships settle in. I know my relationship will never have the same “shiny new ball”-ness of when we first started dating (or even the first 1.5 yrs), but I know that I am with my best friend in the world that I can’t imagine spending life without.
I also wouldn’t worry about his response to your anniversary evening. In short, he forgot. Men suck at dates, especially anniversaries. He was trying to let you know about his man-plans in advance (which you said you appreciated). And when he realized that he had planned man-plans on your anniversary, he didn’t hesitate to change his mind to spend that evening with you. Anniversaries don’t mean as much to men as women… they don’t see it as an “accomplishment” like we do. Like I said, they have become complacent and are just happy in the relationship – regardless of how long it’s been going on (especially since they probably have no clue how long it’s been going on). Be happy that he didn’t think twice about changing his plans to spend your precise anniv. date with you. Feel loved that he didn’t say, “But I already have plans with my boys…can we do our anniv. on another night?”
Just from reading your post, it sounds like everything is just fine…. even though it doesn’t feel like the same rainbows and unicorns that it was before.
Post # 7
LoveMyDogs– This is all so on point. This especially:
“And right around the end of the 2nd year is when things start to get a little “too settled in”. The woman starts to get restless. The man starts to get complacent. The relationship is no longer new and fresh. Your sex life starts to get into a rut. Life just…. is…. and it doesn’t seem to be changing or developing or progressing forward.”
People talk a lot about guys getting restless and women getting “boring” or complacent, but I think in a good, stable relationship, the reverse is probably more common, like you say. That does sound like a rough time you had, and believe me, I feel very lucky and loved that he’s made it clear that he wants to propose and does things like instantly cancel dude-time for something that’s important to me. But like you’re saying, it’s tough letting go of the shiny newness and buckling down to handle the basics of life– and knowing that the few things about him that make me totally crazy aren’t going to change.
But I guess the funny thing is that… it’s all worth it. Thank you for the perspective and sympathy.
Post # 8
…aaaaand I just got home to find he’d snuck into my apartment some time during the day and left me flowers. I’m just going to hush over here.