Post # 1
My SO and I have been together for a year, and we started living together about two months ago. Things have been fine, we disagree about money, but are able to talk it out civilly.
My biggest concern is that when he plays video games, especially Madden football video games, he gets extremely angry and yells and cusses at the game. He even hits himself or things around him and has thrown the controller a few times.
About a month ago, I asked him if we could make the agreement that in order for him to play the game, he must remain reasonably calm and not hit or throw things. He agreed to this, and at first things were better. He would not yell or cuss and he definitely didn’t do anything physically violent anymore.
The reason it worked as long as it did was I waited until a moment in which he wasn’t playing the game and he was generally calm to bring it up. However, within the past week or so, things have gotten bad again. I’ll try to just mention to him that he’s breaking the agreement of the game and ask him to calm down, and he gets frustrated with me and tells me not to ask him to calm down.
I also don’t understand why this is a desirable way for him to spend his free time if all it does is make him upset. I don’t think he’s addicted, but it seems irrational for him to want to play a game that makes everyone else (we have roommates) uncomfortable.
I want to be clear: he has never physically or verbally threatened or abused me. He just gets more upset when I ask him to calm down.
We are planning on getting married and we love each other very much. Any other problems we’ve had we’ve been able to work through, but I’m really at a loss for a solution to this one. I don’t want this behavior to leak over into other aspects of our life, and it really scares me when he starts hitting or throwing things.
Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you.
Post # 3
@HannahJobanna: I’m sure a lot of people are going to jump in here and start screaming ” red flags!’ but honestly… it just sounds like immaturity and college aged boy behavior.
Before DH and I moved into our own place, we also had roommates and they would all play video games together and separately. I cannot tell you how many times someone would get upset and the expletives would start with a smash of the controller to the couch. I would suggest just bringing it up again in casual conversation– but honestly– it wouldn’t bother me if this was his hobby time and if he wants to spend it looking like an ass yelling at a video game, be my guest.
Post # 4
I would let it go as long as he’s not smashing the TV.
Post # 5
@HannahJobanna: I’m actually guilty of this exact behavior, except for the throwing things bit. Most people I know tend to get really into video games, and you would never think by looking at me that I scream probably the worst profanities known to man at the screen because I died for the 10th time because a dragon bit my head off.
I think it’s okay unless if he actually starts to break things, then I would be a little worried.
Post # 6
I guess I don’t see his behavior on a daily basis so it’s hard for me to say, but after hanging out with my FI while he lived in a fraternity, I feel I can say with some certainty that this is kind of the norm. My FI doesn’t play video games regularly but when he does, he swears at the game all the time. I read this to my FI and he said his behavior is definitely pretty normal for guys into video games but also said that if he agreed to tone down his behavior then he knows it’s pretty ridiculous and should be trying harder to control it. I think a house meeting would be embarrassing and while I don’t know this for sure I don’t feel like he needs addiction or anger therapy. Idk. I guess I am not very helpful but it seems to me like I’d talk to him about this again and let him try to work on it more before resorting to couples counseling.
Post # 7
I’d have the roommates casually mention it when you’re not around, that way it doesn’t seem like he’s being attacked.
My SO does that crap during football games. It’s just them being morons, nothing further than that.
Personally, when my SO acts like that, I go into another room and stay there, read a book, etc.
Post # 8
@Mrs_Amanda: +1, no red flags here!
I am slightly guilty of this pleasure too. Im a gamer while FI is defnintely not (go figure?) And yep, when your invested in a game its hard not to get “upset” at the game. Its still very enjoyable, its like reading a really sad or heartbreaking book, you dont toss it cause it made you cry! 🙂
The only time I would be annoyed is if he’s doing this at stupid times of the night and waking people, or if he’s causing damage to things other than himself or his controller.
Controller goes at the TV? Talk time. Punches a wall? Talk time. He throws it at the couch? Leave him be, this is who you are marrying, I wouldn’t try to change such a primal behaviour. Especially if he’s invested in his games, if you nag him about it and keep asking him to not raise his voice, cuss or get mad, he might end up seeing it as you trying to change him/his behaviour (seen it happen, unfortunately also over a videogame. My brother’s one of those who is a little invested…)
Good luck though, this may be something you have to live out until he’s no longer a young testosterone filled man!
Post # 9
@HannahJobanna: Not to make light of your situation, but I think your poll options are pretty dramatic.
He’s just being a boy. Sure it seems silly to us, but I know guys get really into it.
Post # 10
@HannahJobanna: My DH used to play videogames (Call of Duty) all the time and would get annoyed with me if I talked to him while he was on the headset. Thankfully, he grew out of this! He still has an Xbox, but sold all of his videogames a couple of years ago. Your SO will eventually get bored with the game, complete all the levels, or grow out of his videogame habit. Try inviting him to do more activities together so he has less time to play videogames 🙂
Post # 11
He sounds like a male that is passionate about madden. My husband never really grew out of his madden and ncaa obsession, but he def doesn’t cuss at the game as much as he used to. This sounds like relatively normal behavior to me.
Post # 12
I would NOT schedule an intervention with your roommates. I think that would be very odd and he’ll likely feel attacked. If they are uncomfortable with it, they should deal with it like they would any other roommate. If you’re uncomfortable with it, you should deal with it like a girlfriend, not like a roommate and leave the roommates out of it.
Just bring it up again, if it’s that bad. Otherwise, just know he’s a little nuts when he plays madden. He’s just really into it and passionate. And you’re probably annoying him when you tell him to calm down.
Also, how do YOU feel when you’re mad/upset at something and someone tells you to “relax”?
Post # 13
@HannahJobanna: Also, you seriously need more poll options. You don’t even have an option for “Talk to him alone.” let alone us who all say “Leave him be unless he starts breaking things, then talk to him alone.”
Post # 14
Unless you are a gamer, you cannot understand why he does this
My husband and I are hardcore gamer. We are incredibly competitive (With each other and alone) and both of us act very explosively. My husband plays a game called Heroes of Newerth (very competitive, player-vs-player stuff) and he acts nearly identical to this with the exception of controller throwing. It isn’t that the game is making him upset — he’s upset he isn’t winning or has messed up in some way. It isn’t anger, it’s passion and desire to do better.
Do not have an intervention. Being this way, if my husband had an intervention about the way I played a game, I would feel very cornered. Without trying to sound condesending, you’re trying to stop something you do not understand. You can’t get why people have such reactions unless you have ever played a game you were passionate about.
It’s annoying when you have to listen to someone do it (I get irritated with my husband, and he gets irritated at me) but unless he is breaking the TV, leave him alone. Put on music and do something you like to do and let him have his game. I think it’s silly to compare aggression to a game to aggression towards another person. The two simply are nothing alike.
ETA: Telling him to relax is napalm on a fire. Don’t tell him to relax or ever utter the words “It’s just a game” because that will take him from aggrivated to infuriated. Even outside of video games, if you were pissed off, you wouldn’t want somebody to tell you to relax.
Post # 15
He is just being male, my DH is in his late 30’s and does this when playing a video game or gets pissy and starts swearing at the TV if his favorite sports team is losing. Long as he isn’t destroying or hitting you I see nothing really wrong with it. It is just how some people are
Post # 16
Hi @HannahJobanna: First and foremost I see this is your DEBUT post… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
If that is all that is going on, then I agree with the other Bees… NO RED FLAGS !!
*sigh of relief*
Now if he was doing this infront of you, and throwing the console AT YOU or in your general direction… THAT WOULD BE A WHOLE OTHER ISSUE (Red Flags then)
Otherwise this just sounds like “adolescent boy behaviour”
And ya as women, sometimes we see it as pretty sucky… especially so if there is a lot of cuss words happening.
You can try to talk to him about how upsetting it is… but more than likely he will continue to do it… as it is part of his personality (and he also won’t take well to you telling him “how he should feel”)
For him he “feels” upset when something doesn’t go the way he wants… so he takes it out on essentially himself…
He is swearing at himself (altho it might not sound that way)
To be honest, Mr TTR at 60+ still does this when he is engaged in something that he enthralled in / invested in… be it a complicated task in his Office, Hockey Game on Tv, or Home Repair…
It definitely Pees me off to hear a BIG BLUE STREAK of cuss words… but as he says… “IF it ain’t focussed at you… you truly shouldn’t care”
And he’s right.
It is just a for the most part acceptable way that men let off steam.
PS… Infact MEN KNOW that it is pretty stupid behaviour. Mr TTR has no qualms telling me about his buddies on the Golf Course that are prone to Swearing Fits and tossing their Golf Clubs (he too thinks it sounds / looks pretty silly) The guys know it isn’t right… but they do it anyhow.