Post # 1
I must preface this by saying that I am not in the LEAST bit irritated by this situation, and am thrilled that my cousin will be making the trip to my wedding!!! But, since the wedding planning process has turned us all into etiquette mavens, let’s play a wee game and figure out which party in this little screwup is worse at fault. Test your etiquette!!!
So, yesterday I got my first write-in +1 on an RSVP. I had been dodging added +1’s by pre-writing everyone’s name on the line on their RSVP forms. Well, yesterday I got one from my dear cousin in Canada and she had added “+ [boyfriend’s name]” underneath her own name on her RSVP, then filled in “2” in the # attending line. Usually, this would be a no-brainer of a no-no, right?
But, here’s the story: when getting the invite list together, I relied heavily on my parents. And as they listed out all the aunts, uncles, cousins etc. who needed to be invited, they assured me that Cousin didn’t need a plus one. I vaguely knew she had been dating someone rather seriously for a while, but they are not engaged. Do they live together? I don’t really know. Cousin spends most of the year teaching in a remote village, and then spends summers living at her parents’ house. I sent her invite to the folks’ place, and have no idea if she and Dude live together when they’re in the remote village teaching. My parents said that Dude would definitely not be coming to the wedding (which they had learned from Aunt and Uncle), so the invite could be sent just to Cousin.
Well, as I discovered, apparently Dude will be able to make the trip with Cousin after all! Hooray!
So which one of us messed up worse — was it me, by not inviting the social unit together, and by not fully researching Cousin’s living/relationship-seriousness situation? Or was it her, by just adding Dude’s name to her RSVP?
Haha THIS IS A TOUGH ONE!!!!!
Post # 3
I think you both made a technical faux pas, but…it seems like it worked out for the best with no hurt feelings!
Post # 4
@PinkFlemingo: I’m a firm believer in together 1 yr, living together, or engaged. If they’ve been together more than a year and nobody told you, you just made a simple mistake.
But she should also ask before adding someone to an RSVP.
Both of you were wrong (ish), but you, unknowingly so.
Post # 5
@PinkFlemingo: LOL This made me laugh. 🙂
I agree with the above poster. I think that you both equally screwed up here, but your screw up “had no malice”. You thought you did your research and invited accordingly. She should have called you to ask about her boyfriend (which would still be rude…but not as rude as just adding in the +1). She knew what she was doing.
But, it all worked out! So…yay!
Post # 6
@abbie017: Haha as soon as I opened the RSVP my first thought was “oh no she’s probably pissed at me that I didn’t include her boyfriend! I am a JERK!”
And hell, for all I know, she did ask … my parents … and they just never told me 😛
The good news is, this makes the seating chart a lot easier! Twos are easier to place than ones!
Post # 7
I think you both technically make a mistake in terms of etiquette, but no big deal since it worked out!
Post # 8
Don’t know, maybe she found out her parents goofed by what they told yourparents, and she thought this was the easiest way to clear it up.
Post # 9
Technically she did.. she should have gotten in contact with you to explain her realationship situation, and ask if she could bring her Boyfriend or Best Friend, prior to RSVPing.
Post # 10
Neither of you messed up, you didn’t know, your mom didn’t know, it’s the cousin who messed up by changing the RSVP that way….
Post # 11
You aren’t expected to read minds.
You ARE expected to be socially responsible and manage your own social obligations. Even if your parents keep good address-lists for their Christmas cards and are the mavens of family lore, if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to start keeping track of friends and family for your own social purposes. So you get a slap on the wrist for relying heavily on Mom.
But Cousin has the same obligations. If she is old enough to consider herself part of a “committed social unit” equivalent to engaged or married for the purposes of feeling entitled to bring Dude along to family events, then she too is old enough to manage her social obligations. One such obligation is to keep her social contacts up-to-date on important developments in her life. That is WHY engagement announcements and wedding announcements exist: they used to be published in the social pages precisely so that all the Society hostesses would know they needed to send a second invitation from then on. Of course, nowadays there are relatively few newspapers publishing social pages, but people have a Facebook Timeline instead. And of course Facebook is pretty impersonal (as was the social paper) but nowadays you also have the option of email and texting plans. We used to write letters to keep our connections up to date on family news — on paper, with fountain pens!!!
So Cousin, upon receiving your invitation to her alone as a “single” should have blushed to think how out-of-touch she has been. Then she should have written you a note (text-message) of congratulations, in which she also in passing brought you up-to-date on what’s going on in her life, including obliquely in passing that she and Dude are in her eyes equivalent-to-engaged. In the course of the note she might mention that she can’t R.s.v.p. yet because she needs to make arrangements for undertaking the arduous journey from Canada to Pink-Flamingo land and worries about travelling that far alone.
Then you text back asking for Dude’s name and address, so that you can send him an invitation too. Ta-da! Emily gets to settle down and stop spinning in her grave, and Cousin and Dude get to come to the wedding and tell you all about chasing grizzlies out of the one-room schoolhouse in Flin-flon.
Post # 12
I agree with sweetpea87 , if they have been dating a year they should be on the invite. You said you knew they were in a serious relationship, so in my opinion he should of been on the guest list to start with. Especially if they are making the effort to come from out of town. But thats strictly my opinion. I would had probably done the same as your cousin.