Post # 1
My mother passed away a few years ago. As my wedding day quickly approaches, I’ve been thinking more and more about who I would like to be with me while I get ready (in addition to my BMs of course). I would like FMIL to be there. We aren’t extremely close to where I would say she’s like a mother to me. But she is FI’s mom and I do spend a lot of time with her.
I sent her an email and told her I booked a hotel suite. My girls and I will be getting our hair and makeup done in the suite the morning of the wedding. I invited her to get ready with us.
She responded with “I think I’m going to have my normal hair stylist do my hair and I’ll finish getting ready at home.”
I understand there is a certain comfort about getting ready at your own home for such a big event. But I have to say, I’m a little hurt.
FI has only brothers. I know FMIL wasn’t with her other daughter in law getting ready the morning of their wedding. I thought she would appreciate spending time with her new “daughter” the morning that I marry her son. I’m wondering, though, if she’s resentful about a recent disagreement we had.
Maybe it’s because I’m so stressed with other things, but man, I could cry.
Thanks for listening..
Post # 2
aww i understand i really do. I said the same thing to my mother but she wanted to do her own hair and make up and get ready in her own room. maybe its an age thing.
Maybe if you explained to her what it would mean to you?
Post # 3
While I love the idea of all of the “females of honer” getting ready together I think it is sort of a newer thing in most circles. It was a lovely gesture of you to invite her but maybe in her generation such things weren’t done (including other females, esp. from the groom’s side).
I know how stressful planning a wedding is, but I think you should just take a deep breath on this one and not let it get under your skin. I would give her a little gift at the rehearsal dinner or some other convenient time to show her that you care.
PS what was the recent disagreement?
Post # 4
ChocolateLime: Thanks for the reply.
I’d feel like if I explained it to her she would just do it because she felt bad, not because she actually wante to be there.
Because if she wanted to be there, she would have accepted my first offer. Right?
Post # 5
Stiletto13: A couple of weeks ago, I posted about it here. I love FMIL, but she’s very worried about what the extended family and her friends think of her and her immediate family- like to the point where she obsesses over things.
We have a blanket no children rule at our reception. She basically wanted me to make an exception for these two “cousins” of FI (quotations because they’re recently married into the family). I told her I couldn’t do that because it wouldn’t be fair to my younger cousins. She said she would cut her girlfriends from the guest list so they could come, etc. I put my foot down, contacted the mother of the two cousins, explained the situation, and relayed her response to FMIL. The two girls’ mom didn’t care at all- FMIL thought she would. I think she’s resentful because she was wrong and didn’t get her way.
The reason I would like her to be there is because I don’t have my mother and she’s the closest thing I have to a mom.
Post # 6
I think you need to remember that there are two people in this situation not just you. If she isn’t comfortable with getting ready with you on your wedding day then you need to respect that. It is kind of you to offer for sure but she may want to spend time with her son on his wedding day and not her DIL.
Post # 7
j_jaye: She won’t be with her son(s). All of the guys in the wedding party, which includes her two other sons, will be getting ready at a groomsmen’s house. Fiance’s dad will also be there.
So she’ll be by herself getting ready (or may have some girlfriends come over I suppose).
I asked about the guys getting ready at her house because it would be most convenient and she said no because she only has one bathroom and she’ll need it.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
She wasn’t with the other daughter in law, either. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Post # 9
whoa_its_ash: True. I just feel (and I could be totally wrong) that there’s more to it than that.
Post # 10
My MIL never got ready with us and my mother didn’t either. I never heard of it until now. Yes my mom came for pictures but she was off getting her hair done at a different hairdresser while we were getting ready.
Post # 11
I don’t mind if FMIL doesn’t get ready with us, especially if she is more comfortable getting ready in her own home, but I even offered for her to just meet up with us at the hotel when she was done, and she also declined that invitation.
Post # 12
Aw gotcha, ya you would think she would be happy you invited her to be included. This is a tough situation.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t take it personally either, especially when you said that she wasn’t with her other daughter-in-law either. I’ll be getting ready at a hotel, and as of right now, my mother won’t be with me.
Maybe the recent disagreement you had is still affecting her. I would give it time and see how she feels closer to the day.
Post # 14
MichiganGirl24: I want to say how sorry am I that your mother won’t be there with you on your special day. It is such a difficult hole to fill when we lose such special people in our lives and special things like weddings seem to make these emotions all that much stronger.
I am not close with my mother and my grandmother raised me. I had hoped that my grandmother would be in the room with me but she declined. I even offered to have her hair and make up done which she again declined as she is very particular. I thought she could even get ready and come over but again, no. My mother had her hair and makeup done and promptly left the room so in the end it was just my BMs and I for the majority of the morning.
I was hurt and still am a little about how it all played out. I did feel a bit abandoned and I can understand you wanting your MIL to be there to offer that motherly comfort that is lacking. Perhaps you should explain to her why you asked her to be there. She may not really understand how important it is that she stick around. Couldn’t hurt to express your feelings on the matter. Wishing you happiness and comfort on your big day!
Post # 15
Treejewel19: Thanks for your reply.
I’m sorry your mother or grandmother weren’t with you on your special day 🙁
I think I might have FI hint to her a little that I would like her there. I don’t want to explain it all to her and have her accept because she feels bad for me. I really want her to get ready comfortably- I hate getting ready for big events when I’m not in the comfort of my own home. But I would, at the very least, like her there before we leave for the venue to snap some pictures.