A little venting… just relationship stuff.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Columbia, SC

paxie:  BIG I am going to assume means SO. So you are saying you do not know his mom and/or sister(s)?

Post # 4
5763 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

No way would I even consider moving 8000 miles or more away to a country where I might have a hard time getting a work visa for a man who was afraid to tell his mom and sister that he had a girlfriend or was afraid to tell me about a movie he hadn’t seen. Red flags everywhere. I want to marry my partner, not someone who sounds afraid of his own shadow. Please do not rush into this.

Post # 6
332 posts
Helper bee

paxie:  Yeahhhh… Um… Memory thing? No. Scared to tell family? Also, no.

Err… Hate to break it to you, but you’re simply just not important to this guy. And considering moving to Australia under those circumstances is coo-coo crazy. Good luck with that, though. 

And, if you are going to pretend to be American, you should at least know that we don’t say “bloody” in the context you did. 

Post # 7
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sorry to say OP that I see a lot of red flags in your short post.

To answer your question, yes, you’re doing it wrong. Skype with him or get him to sit down “with” you and explain that he is REINFORCING your very negative behaviors by only paying real attention when you’re pushed to extreme displays of emotion (or zero emotion) instead of at appropriate times. Tell him that he’s “teaching” and “training” you to be a major pain in his neck if he keeps on reinforcing said behaviors. Sometimes it takes a real good explanation on how you’re majorly contributing to turn your SO into a distorted version of themselves that you really won’t like in a few months/years to get the point across. 

Post # 8
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Have you met him in person?

Post # 9
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sorry, I meant to add, because it doesn’t seem like you’ve met face to face.  It sounds like you are missing very basic communication skills that can be easily learned in person.  And the memory thing is shifty.  I know and understand that people can develop memory issues, but forgetting to tell his mom you exist? And forgetting he was supposed to call? Even if he did forget to call… Don’t you think he would want to call you and call you regardless of whether he forgot? you’re not even on his mind, at all.  

Maybe you should plan a vacation to visit him before deciding to move to be with someone who seems to forget you exist sometimes.  He should be putting more effort in for someone who plans to move across the world for him.  Hiding you from his family is horrible, he should be proud.  My SO told his family about me before we even started dating.  Can’t imagine any guy waiting until you are almost going to be married.  Hiding me from members of his family is a deal breaker for me.


and it’s not cultural, I have a few Australian friends who moved here to work and they are top notch people.

Post # 11
375 posts
Helper bee

The memory thing could be a complication from the car crash. I agree with the PP in that this is not cultural. I’m Australian and I dated an Irish guy who also had a very bad memory, although it was in the sense that he’d ask me something and then 30 minutes later he’d forget he asked, and ask again. He didn’t forget my name or that we had plans or anything, though. He was also involved in a serious crash although idk if that’s what caused his memory problems. Anyway, it’s not the norm. 

For you and for me, I think it is a case of “he’s just not that into you”. I realised that about the guy I was dating so I just stopped talking to him and that was that. We were only dating, so it was whatever. Things are different in your case however and tbh I’m not sure how you got to the stage of being engaged when your relationship is at this level. How much time have you spent together?? You don’t really know someone until you’ve spent a significant amount of time with them and I would definitely suggest that you do this before getting married and moving half-way around the world. 


Post # 12
22 posts

I agree with what others have said here. When someone cares about you, they ACT like they care about you. There is no “I secretly care about this girl, but will consistently act in ways that disproves that emotion.”

He sounds a bit emotionally immature–very 22, 23-year-old man-ish.

Post # 13
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This sounds more like slight brain damage than “a memory thing” and “shyness.” I am also curious about your ages and about whether you’ve met him in person.

I met my DH online and we met after a year and made sure we were actually as compatible as we thought before we agreed to move to be together. 

Your SO’s issues sound serious: either brain damage or serious immaturity/lack of commitment. I would visit first.

ETA: I found your Love Story thread. You have not met in person. I  really really urge you not to make a rash move to Australia without a visit first!!!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  prahajess.
Post # 14
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Have you actually met this person?

Post # 15
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

PoliticallyIncorrect:  Some Americans do. I read books by a lot of British authors, so “bloody” has made its way into my colloquial vocabulary.

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