- 3 years ago
I don’t even know the women in my Big’s life and I kinda hate them. Because he acts like I’m going to be such an asshole to him, and like that is 100% okay.
He is terrified of me being mad or upset, and although I know he doesn’t hide things from me, he’s in the habit of hiding things from his mom and sister, so THEY don’t get mad or upset. I feel like that’s disrespectful, personally. I’m a grown ass woman. I can handle the truth. I can’t speak to his relationship with them, but I know exactly what I want from him, and it’s not what he’s giving them. He kisses my ass, tells me I’m always right, doesn’t speak up when I’m not making sense. For instance, we’re both nerds, and I assumed he’d seen the Princess Bride. I’d been quoting from it regularly in a particular situation. After weeks, I found out he hadn’t seen it- and he’d had no idea what I was talking about, and didn’t want to say anything! I was mad! I was like, “I must have sounded like a nut! Why didn’t you say anything?!” It’s not like I’m particularly fearsome when I get mad. But if I do, or I start crying, he starts calling himself names. I’m really not comfortable with this dynamic. I want to drag this man to therapy. But he’s generally sensible, and if I give short, direct instructions he can handle it. So I’m like, “Focus. Listen to me. Stop apologizing, I don’t care. Work to find answers with me to stop this happening again. What can we do?”
Yeah, I’m little miss blunt and straight forward. I don’t expect anyone to read my mind, and if they try to, I think it’s fucking creepy. I like my communication crystal clear, although, you know, humans, we suck sometimes, so it’s okay to be like, “I don’t know right now, I’m feeling a lot of things!” That’s also cool.
Sigh. I’ve been sick this week, so I’ve been really, REALLY tired, and everything makes me extra upset, but things have been snowballing. The first fight we had was that I had been like, “Tell your family about me. Come on. Let’s go. Tell them. You’re hurting my feelings over here.” But the only other time he had a girlfriend, they made their relationship Facebook official before he told his sister, and his sister went fucking apeshit. Just yelled at him, gave him a shit time, called this other woman every name in the book- she didn’t even know her. He was afraid that his sister was going to go bonkers again, and he wasn’t really sure why it happened the first time…. so he is pretty reluctant to tell her. He did, however, finally tell his mom- not that he loves me and wants to marry me and make babies with me, but I expect that since he’s remembered my name, she’s figured that part out. (Yeah, he is REALLY that bad with names.)
This is sort of extra imperative since, well, I would like to MOVE to Australia to BE with the man… and part of that is convincing the Department that we are in fact a real couple, and I’m not just paying him cash money for their excellent health care. (Although, probably a better idea than the health care decisions I’ve been struggling with the last few years. But marrying him and loving him for life >>> health care… and I’m fucking serious about my health care.) So, the practical part of me is going, Facebook official would be nice… His family will have to write statements about our relationship and the longer they know ABOUT it and the longer they know ME, the easier it will be… I’ll admit, I’m nervous about telling my mum, too, but I do talk about him to her, constantly. We just have a complicated relationship, my dating life and my mom.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, he said he would talk to his mom that night. I text him that night at 9 pm his time… “what are you up to?” “oh I’m at a mate’s house watching tv :)”
It was ON, my sisters. It was ON. I was so angry and sad! I was like, “So… not talking to your mom, then?” He was like, “Oh, yeah, I’m gonna do it tonight.” I was like, “Right. Because THAT’S why you went to your friend’s house on this very important night for the first break in your routine that I have known you! Did you even tell your mom you were planning to talk to her?” “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that, she’d worry herself to death.” *pounding head against wall* “Well, Big, that’s what words are for. ‘Hello, Mom, I have some good news for you, I’m just at Billy’s place but I’ll be home by such and such a time.'” And on and on until I was like, “I am crying! You can’t even do this! You’ve been putting this off forever!” And he’s like, “OH YOU’RE CRYING? D: LET ME GO DO IT RIGHT NOW I AM SUCH SHIT” And he did. It wasn’t even a thing, his mom was super sweet.
What the fuck. What am I doing wrong? Why do I need to be crying for my words to matter? We’ve had like three little fights like this, the instant I’m crying he figures out OH THIS FUCKING MATTERS, but till then, nothing. Just sheer thickheadness. I’m not sure what the deal is with this, if this is cultural or what, but I’m really tired of it because I only cry when I’m tired and angry and really upset.
Another thing is that he never sleeps, like ever. It’s worse lately, since he’s working hell hours to save up money for his expensive American mail-order bride. He has horrible, horrible memory ANYWAY(see: names), but it’s gotten to the point where I’m over being hurt when he literally cannot remember anything I’ve said, anything I’ve asked him to do, anything. It’s all gone. He got off work the other day; I asked him to call me after he got home and fed the dogs. It’s a ten minute drive home. An hour later, I was like, “yo, what’s up?” he said, “watching this awesomely horrible movie with Mum” and I was like, “…….” “…..what about me?” He was like, “what ABOUT you?” He had completely forgotten that we were even supposed to talk. The best part was that by the time I was calm enough to let him call me, he had forgotten that he had forgotten he was supposed to call me. He was like, “I didn’t forget you! I just got caught up in the movie!” I was like, “Sweetie pumpkin, I have the texts RIGHT HERE.” But I can’t MAKE him go to bed earlier. He still goes to bed at 5 am, earliest, usually getting two or three hours of sleep.
Sigh, I guess you guys can tell I’m tired myself, and pretty discombobulated. I just don’t know how to deal- I feel like I have no idea how to work through things when he can’t remember anything, and when he’s so weird about stuff anyway. He tells me, “I’m a man- I’m dumb! Just give me a good slap upside the head and say, ‘Shut the fuck up, Big!'” I find that prospect faintly horrifying. I sort of expect my life partners to not need basic training? Maybe I just need some hugs. I am so happy about being with him and being married to him, but I feel awful about planning this wedding when we can’t talk about these simple things.
(And yes, I will send this to him as an email… which he’ll promptly forget, probably. Maybe he should see a bloody neurologist.)