Post # 1
i live in chicago and the wedding is here. i’m from michigan – i have family in michigan and california. A lot of family – who i cannot afford to all invite. My orginal plan was just the aunts and uncles – but now cousins are assuming they will be invited. and for a short period i thought i could invite them. no invitations are sent yet – but i realize i just cant afford everyone. i don’t know how to break it to them or what to do … they all plan on coming. my one counsin (who is in florida) got married and he didn’t invite anyone really – its was just about 15 people. they all got offended. i don’t know what to do
my mom in michigan wants to have a shower and so does my mother-in-law who is here – 2 showers. but we don’t need any stuff. we rather have money to do work on the house or for a honeymoon … i know you can’t ask for it. and both parents refuse to give up the idea of having a shower. any suggestions – would it be ok to put on the invite: “fences make good neighbors” – contribute to the lovebirds building a fence for their nest.
Post # 3
As far as guests so, it’s your wedding so who cares if they gett offended. You cannot please everyone with a wedding, so do what you can afford and make you happy.
As for the showers, 2 showers is fine since they are hosted by different people but a shower is exactly that- to shower the bride with gifts. Most guests do a gift for the shower and then the cash for weddings. Can you upgrade your items? I registered for nice new dinnerware, new bedding, new curtains. Nothing I “needed” but those curtains that are $100 each that I would never spend on myself but would LOVE to have- yea totally registering for that. (Side note: would I rather have money to put to the house/honeymoon, of course… but if someone wants to give you a gift and not money, they are goign to find somethign to give you. Wouldn’t you rather register for something you like, then getting random crap that you can’t return. Also, you can register at Menards, Sears, and I believe Home Depot).
Something else to remember, espically with the 2 showers- it is very bad etiquette to invite people to the bridal showers who are not invited to the wedding. So for all the cousins that you are not inviting to the wedding- they should not be invited to the showers. This is very tacky, gift grabby, and will offend the cousins even more than not being invited to the wedding
Post # 4
For guests, invite who you can afford.
For showers, can you register at a place like home depot to help with house stuff?
Post # 5
For guests, invite who you want. I didn’t invite any aunts and uncles OR cousins, and the world kept spinning.
As far as the showers, it’s nice that they want to throw them, but no you can’t ask for money. My work threw us a wine shower – maybe consider something like that? We have a VERY tiny condo and no space for any more stuff (we didn’t register at all).
Post # 6
For Guest: You have to stand firm and cut the list. Or you have to adjust your budget. 😛
Gifts: Maybe if you don’t register, the guest will just know to bring cash. lol Or like someone mentioned above, you can register for Home Depot or something to help with the cost of materials. If you don’t like what people go you, you can always return for store credit. 🙂
Post # 7
1) Guests shouldn’t be expecting an invitation. You shouldn’t tell them that they are not invited, but it would be permissible to spread the word to a few family members that unfortunately you aren’t able to accommodate cousins.
Let them get upset. So what? They are the ones being rude.
2) No, you should not have a shower if you are only asking for cash. Showers are about presents, and if you don’t need or want any then you must decline any one who offers to host a shower. If you go ahead, you could always register for new sheets, towels etc, as they are always needing replaced.
Post # 8
1. Invite who you want and who you can afford. If people complain or get offended, well then that’s their problem. You could try and explain that you had limited seating in your venue and while you wanted to invite everyone you couldn’t, but you honestly don’t owe anyone an explanation.
2. Having 2 showers is perfectly fine! However, showers are for “showering” the bride with physical gifts. Thus asking for money at a shower is a big etiquette no-no and would probably offended many people. So I would first see if there is anything you can upgrade. New sheets? Extra towels? New blender? What about tools? We actually registered for a bunch of new tools at Sears and didn’t regret it. You could even try registering at Home Depot, as one PP suggested.
The other thing to do is have a themed shower. You could do “Stock the Bar” where people buy you alcohol, or “Honeymoon” where people buy you things to use on your honeymoon (think luggage, beach towels, books, sunscreen, lingerie, snorkel gear, hats, gloves, etc.), or “Recipe” where everyone just brings you their favorite recipe.
Just be sure that you don’t have over-lapping guests lists for the showers and that anyone invited to a shower is also invited to the wedding.
Post # 9
Just so we are clear, and I’m not sure if this was your intention, but you are not expected to pay for the travel of out of town guests. If you don’t have the budget to invite your large family, that’s totally understandable, but because you specifically mentioned that this large family was from out of town, I wanted to make sure you knew that you weren’t responsible for that added cost too.
Post # 10
yeah – not paying for their travel. my mother is the one that is giving everyone the expectation that they are invited. I tell her to stop but she insists and doesn’t listen. For example, my parents invited theri friend (also out of town) and i told absolutely not. But they keep talking like I didn’t say a word. My parents tell me to send them an invite – but then say the person won’t come. But then the next minute call me and said – now that person is coming and expects an invite. they are creating chaos. moreover, she is inviting people to the shower who i was inviting to the wedding, but i can’t control her. i just don’t know what to do.
as for the gifts – we will register. it seems like a waste of money to ask people to buy stuff that is not needed. but i will have to get over that.
Post # 11
also – i’m deciding im not having kids at the wedding. But my mother was like you have to let cousin x bring her’s it will be a new born and she will have to nurse. My response is then they don’t come. I just can’t understand why people – who never call me want to come. in fact, my one uncle was in town last weekend (5 minutes from my house) and never told me until they were leaving … why invite these people.
Post # 12
1. You tell your family “We’re sorry but we’ve decided to have an intimate celebration with immediate family only”
2. It’s rude to ask people for money so the fund is not a good idea. AND, please note that everyone invited to the shower needs to be invited to the wedding. It’s not fair for them to buy you a gift and not get invited.
Post # 13
I believe a lot of home improvement places offer registries too.
Post # 14
@RunsWithBears: LOVE LOVE LOVE the different shower ideas – awesome! I never would have thought of them myself!
Post # 15
@jen 42713: have you considered a destination wedding? I had a similar problem with FH family.. he felt like he “had” to invite all these cousins etc that he NEVER speaks to and wouldn’t know my name if thier life depended on it.. Once we decided on a destination wedding people immediately knew it would be small.. problem solved.
Post # 16
no – plans are all set. I’m getting married in April – everything is booked. I don’t know how I can get my mom to not invite people to the shower – if i am not inviting them to the wedding. She is not listening to me.