Post # 1
Okay, i’ll admit it. Lately, I have been a passive aggressive pain. I really am a person who plans, and wants things on my schedule. Right now Mr. Tri and I are preparing to move in together, which he sees as no big deal. To me its huge… I keep hearing in my head why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. i know mr Tri sees us as long term and has expressed that he won’t get married without living together. I understand where he is coming from, and I respect it, but at the same time, i want him to know that I want to get married eventually. I promised that I wouldn’t push him towards marriage, but now I find that I am dropping major hints and even worse being a little growly about things…To make it sure he is talking about a new truck a lot lately, and I keep thinking, wow a ring is a lot less than that. Mr. Tri is amazing… he does amazing things for me and treats my family and me with a lot of love and respect. I couldn’t ask for more, and when we started dating, I told myself that I would rather have him as the wonderful person he is and never get married, than have a sub-par relationship and be married. Now I am being a pain in the ass…I get grouchy over nothing, and even have hinted about us not being together to get my point across. The sad part is I am afraid to tell him that I want to know his timeline and let him know that i would love to be engaged by the time we go home and see his family for Christmas. Help, why am I feeling like this
Post # 3
No advice, but i’ve been the exact same way. i’m even starting to annoy myself! i need to seriously back off. not sure where it’s coming from, but it’s almost like a habit lately, i’m pestering him about a timeline and i don’t even know i’m doing it. ugh.
Post # 4
Instead of being passive aggressive, just communicate. Passive aggressiveness is a one way road down relationship failure lane. If you want a successful marriage, stop playing games and lay it all out there to get the answers you need to feel good about moving forward.
Post # 5
You’re feeling like this because you feel like you have no control over a very important aspect of your relationship. You’re angry, frustrated, and scared about this, and you may have your doubts about if you’ll EVER get married. Hence you lash out.
If you haven’t signed a lease yet, and are just talking about moving in together, could you guys make a compromise? Perhaps agree that you won’t move in together unless you’re engaged, or within 6 months of engagement?
I know you don’t want to push this guy towards marriage, but some guys are fine with keeping things as they are. There are guys (FI was one) that need the push to get the ball rolling. This doesn’t have to be an ultimatum, but perhaps a frank conversation of “I would really like to be engaged now, and married next year.”. Passively waiting for him to magically make it happen will stretch out this whole resentment process.
Post # 6
I agree with crayfish, you need to have an open and honest talk with your SO about what you want. You don’t have to be pushy, but you should communicate your wants to him and make sure he understands where you’re coming from.
Post # 7
What if you just waited until you were engaged to move in? That’s still living together before marriage.
abirdword explained it clearly. It is very understandable to be feeling like that, just too many uncertainties and lack of control. But as others are saying, these kind of things are good to talk about. Not to make any demands, but to just share what your thoughts are on the issue.
I also read this book:
Shacking Up: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned by Stacy Whitman and Wynne Whitman
Stupid title, but it goes over what you’re going through now.
ETA: I backed out of moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend at one point. I owned a house, he owned a house. We talked of “being together” for the long haul, living together. Then I chickened out. I told him I think I need to be engaged before moving in (dating 2 years at this point). I had a house to sell after all, kind of needed to be the real deal. So we dated one more year, living only one mile apart, then we got engaged at year 3 and I moved in the next day LOL.