(Closed) A pit in my stomach – is this normal or am I making a big deal of it?

posted 7 years ago in Intercultural
Post # 3
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Marriage is about compromise and both of you need to be willing to compromise for your marriage to work. I think that you are trying to compromise to the best of your ability by trying to bring the families together; however, you may not be communicating in a way that your bf understands. It is really hard when a couple is from two different cultures and belief systems. My suggestion is for both of you to go to couples counseling, so that you can both learn to communicate with each other in a way that you both understand. I would also be very upset, if I were in your situation. I can only imagine how hard it must be for both of you. Your bf wants to please his family; just like you want to please yours and both of you are trying to do that the only way you know how.

Post # 4
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be hurt and disappointed as well. Maybe approach it again in a day or two when it’s not such a raw issue, since you do have a while to plan it. If these ceremonies are on the same day, or even a Friday/Sat deal, I’d say it’s easy to invite everyone and a nice way to incorporate both of your religions. You’re merging two people, two families, and two religions, and you can explain to him that it’s important for you to involve each other’s friends and families in both ceremonies, since they should both be meaningful to both of you.  

Post # 5
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OMG! I mean, obviously your FMIL is of a different cloth than I am… But I would LOVE to see a nikkah! What an interesting, AMAZING experience! They’re not doing their family any favors by assuming that no one would be interested. PLUS, the potential guests presumably love your FI and would want the opportunity to be at each of his wedding ceremonies.

Honestly, you two need to come to some sort of agreement on this, but I don’t see the problem with inviting everyone to both. You could have an RSVP card that says, ” __ nikkah, __christian ceremony, __ reception” so people could choose if they want to make all of the events or not.

A marriage is about uniting two families. Having two separate ceremonies with two separate guest lists doesn’t really do that.

BUT, like other posters said, let this rest for a few days (nearly impossible, I know!) but you’ll feel better and be able to have a better conversation once the emotions die down.

Post # 6
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@sonj818:

I think the RSVP idea is fantastic. You put it in their hands. Ideally you just want people there that care about you. It’s a non-stressful way to handle the interfaith problem you two have at the moment. 

Well, from my perspective and just by what you wrote nothing more:

I can “understand” where he sees no wrong doing. You had agreed on two ceremonies right?

Also there would be no need to make your union stressful with making an obvious upset MIL even worse, would there be? In most cases ruffling feathers to get ones way can prove to be inharmonious. 

speaking from experience, compromising also means he needs to be included! You say you want him and his family incorporated…Think about their feelings/thoughts to this too, If you haven’t.

Post # 7
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a tricky one! I definitely don’t think you’re making too much of it! But it by no means is impossible. It just needs a bit of planning and compromise. 🙂
I think your idea of having the muslim nikkah (I understand this by the way, as my fiance is muslim and I am not, so I have had this ceremony) and your other, secular wedding is the best idea. Although it may not be possible to satisfy everyone’s religious beliefs, at the end of the day it’s what you and your fiance want that’s important. There will always be clashes where religions are involved!
A lot of people in this situation (with mixed faiths, cultures etc) have more than one wedding. It’s totally normal. I wouldn’t worry too much! Just make sure you create a day (or days!) which you and your fiance are totally happy with! And keep us updated. Good luck. 🙂

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