Post # 1
So, bf and I have been together 6 years this May. We got the ring, the proposal is to occur soon and all’s well…except we’re already arguing over wedding details.
We are from somewhat different cultural backgrounds (we’re both South Asian) but we have different customs, language etc. We are also different religions. I’m Muslim and he’s Christian. Also, his mother does not like me. She liked me for a very long time until one day she said that she found a nice church for BF and I to start going to once we’re married. I’m not converting (I don’t know why this is a surprise to her, since 5 yrs went by without her asking me). She freaked and wow, did she ever make me feel like a piece of garbage. I’m not good enough because I’m not Christian. She even told BF that she doesn’t care if he married a total nut who was mean to him every day of his life – it’s still better than marrying me (Muslim). I’d like to add btw, that despite what many people might think, just as there are different sects of Christianity (more or less progressive/strict) the same goes with being Muslim. I’m from a very progressive sect of Islam.
Anyways, my plan was always to do two types of weddings: a Christian Orthodox ceremony to make his family happy (he doesn’t care for a church wedding) and my muslim ceremony. Well, now, his mother is saying no to the church wedding because according to her I can’t (according to the religion) get married in their church unless I’m Christian. So, no church wedding : / And instead of a reception or church we are going to do the Muslim ceremony first then doing a destination wedding (on a cruise) to bring the families together, have fun and have a justice of the peace/priest type wedding with a reception for those who join us…oh and have fun.
BF and I were talking about our wedding and I asked him how many people he thinks he/his family will invite to our nikkah (the muslim ceremony – aka MY WEDDING DAY!!! OUR WEDDING DAY). He said just his mom, dad, brother and sister inlaw.
WTF! Is it just me or does it just seem incomplete/not right that neither he nor his family are going to bother inviting anyone on his side??????? ie. friends, extended family. I just always pictured my wedding day as one where I look behind me and see all the people (his side TOO!!!) who care about witness our day.
We got into a nasty fight, because he doesn’t see what the big deal is. He said no one else will “understand” a nikkah etc. wth! It’s a beautiful ceremony full of meaning and translation of that meaning. He also said the nikkah ceremony is for me/my wedding and the cruise ceremony is his idea of a wedding, ergo …
He said that’s the point of two separate weddings. I still feel unhinged by all this. Is it just me? Am I making too much of this?
Post # 3
Marriage is about compromise and both of you need to be willing to compromise for your marriage to work. I think that you are trying to compromise to the best of your ability by trying to bring the families together; however, you may not be communicating in a way that your bf understands. It is really hard when a couple is from two different cultures and belief systems. My suggestion is for both of you to go to couples counseling, so that you can both learn to communicate with each other in a way that you both understand. I would also be very upset, if I were in your situation. I can only imagine how hard it must be for both of you. Your bf wants to please his family; just like you want to please yours and both of you are trying to do that the only way you know how.
Post # 4
I would be hurt and disappointed as well. Maybe approach it again in a day or two when it’s not such a raw issue, since you do have a while to plan it. If these ceremonies are on the same day, or even a Friday/Sat deal, I’d say it’s easy to invite everyone and a nice way to incorporate both of your religions. You’re merging two people, two families, and two religions, and you can explain to him that it’s important for you to involve each other’s friends and families in both ceremonies, since they should both be meaningful to both of you.
Post # 5
OMG! I mean, obviously your FMIL is of a different cloth than I am… But I would LOVE to see a nikkah! What an interesting, AMAZING experience! They’re not doing their family any favors by assuming that no one would be interested. PLUS, the potential guests presumably love your FI and would want the opportunity to be at each of his wedding ceremonies.
Honestly, you two need to come to some sort of agreement on this, but I don’t see the problem with inviting everyone to both. You could have an RSVP card that says, ” __ nikkah, __christian ceremony, __ reception” so people could choose if they want to make all of the events or not.
A marriage is about uniting two families. Having two separate ceremonies with two separate guest lists doesn’t really do that.
BUT, like other posters said, let this rest for a few days (nearly impossible, I know!) but you’ll feel better and be able to have a better conversation once the emotions die down.
Post # 6
I think the RSVP idea is fantastic. You put it in their hands. Ideally you just want people there that care about you. It’s a non-stressful way to handle the interfaith problem you two have at the moment.
Well, from my perspective and just by what you wrote nothing more:
I can “understand” where he sees no wrong doing. You had agreed on two ceremonies right?
Also there would be no need to make your union stressful with making an obvious upset MIL even worse, would there be? In most cases ruffling feathers to get ones way can prove to be inharmonious.
speaking from experience, compromising also means he needs to be included! You say you want him and his family incorporated…Think about their feelings/thoughts to this too, If you haven’t.
Post # 7
This is a tricky one! I definitely don’t think you’re making too much of it! But it by no means is impossible. It just needs a bit of planning and compromise. 🙂
I think your idea of having the muslim nikkah (I understand this by the way, as my fiance is muslim and I am not, so I have had this ceremony) and your other, secular wedding is the best idea. Although it may not be possible to satisfy everyone’s religious beliefs, at the end of the day it’s what you and your fiance want that’s important. There will always be clashes where religions are involved!
A lot of people in this situation (with mixed faiths, cultures etc) have more than one wedding. It’s totally normal. I wouldn’t worry too much! Just make sure you create a day (or days!) which you and your fiance are totally happy with! And keep us updated. Good luck. 🙂