Post # 1
Fiance and I are trying to set a date, set a budget, etc. Guest list is where we’re really concentrating because that’ll determine most things for us. We’re paying for the wedding ourselves and both want a small, intimate church wedding. We went to a cousin’s wedding and afterwards, the cousin told us he didn’t know hardly anyone there and that he’s still paying for his wedding a year later!
Fiance and I are hoping to avoid that without hurting feelings. But where do you draw the line? His parents are 1 of 10 and 1 of 6 so he’s got tons of aunts and uncles and gazillions of cousins. He wants some of them there but not others. So where do we draw the line? He has three sets of aunts and uncles he’s close to, and about 15 cousins he’s close to. Do we just not invite anyone else? Most of FI’s family lives in a very small community so everyone will know who got an invite and who didn’t.
FI’s idea was that we invite his aunts and uncles that he’s close to and give them a plus five and let them pick who to bring among his cousins. I think that’d cause a lot of grief for everyone… Any solutions?
What about an “open house” wedding? Have any of you ever heard of this? A friend of a friend of a friend had an open house wedding, and from what I gathered, she just sent out a gazillion invitations to the wedding and then had a very intimate reception with the people she and her husband were close to.
I’m sure lots of other bees have experience with large extended families, I would love to hear your solutions and ideas!!
Post # 3
I think there will be some hurt feelings if you invite some aunts/uncles/cousins and not others, even if you have an open house wedding. I don’t know if you can have a small, intimate wedding if you want the extended family there. Of course, this is coming from someone who is not having extending family at the wedding.
Post # 4
Hmm. I’m not sure how you would be able to do that without hurting some family members. Honestly, I don’t think that would work well… especially with everyone being in a small community. Maybe you could scale down the cost of the reception and do something more affordable so you could include everyone?
Post # 5
Is there an age that all the cousins he wants are over vs the others. I am only inviting adult cousins on my side. That leaves out 25+ cousins under 21. FH isnt inviting ANY cousins.
Post # 6
So obviously you have to invite all the aunts and uncles, but I don’t think you have to invite all the cousins, especially if you’re not close with a lot of them. We have close friends of the family type “aunts, uncles and cousins”, and I didn’t invite all of the “cousins” because some of them I don’t like, some of them I haven’t talked to in years, one of them I wasn’t invited to her wedding, so why would I invite them to my wedding?! A few weeks before our wedding there’s a family reunion which I’m hoping isn’t too awkward, but honestly, I don’t think any of them will be surprised about who’s invited or not invited. I say just invite the ones you’re close with and hope that the rest are grown up to understand.
Post # 7
So my mom is 1 of 10, my dad is 1 of 5 and my FIs mom is 1 of 8 – I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!! My mom has 4 brothers, 3 half sisters and 2 step sisters. Where did I draw the line? Well, I drew it at the half and step sisters. I invited only “full” cousins and not the other ones. I havent seen the other cousins in who knows how long. Well, of course this created a problem. Step-aunt called my uncle who asked how many seats were reserved for them. Then they said they wouldnt come if their kids werent invited. Well, now we are under our numbers so I told my mom to tell them they can bring their kids. It is ridiculous though! You dont talk to people for YEARS and they are not a part of your life at all and then all of a sudden you are getting married and they are baffled as to why you didnt invite their kids! (Who you havent seen since they were babies!!)
I dont have any suggestion for you. (sorry) I’m just saying, there is going to be drama no matter what you decide to do. Just dont let it get to you!!
Post # 8
I don’t understand why people expect to be invited to a wedding. The relatives in question haven’t spoken to or seen Fiance since the 90’s. It doesn’t make sense to me. I wouldn’t expect an invitation to a distant cousin’s wedding. I wouldn’t want to go or feel like I was obligated to send a gift. I’d like an announcement maybe, just to know like, “Oh yeah, cousin Anna got married, cool.”
We’re not having a lavish reception by any means, so scaling back isn’t an option unless we had it in the backyard and everybody eats hotdogs. We’re planning on a super small DIY food in a hall of some sort reception.
Post # 9
I was thinking exactly what you mentioned. Have a small ceremony/fancy wedding and then a big party for the entire family. Or maybe consider a destination wedding which will likely cut down your guest list.
Post # 10
Oh I feel ya! I’m going the Destination Wedding route b/c I know only the aunts and uncles and cousins I’m close to will attend 🙂 I still get to invite everyone but they won’t be showing up (I’ve confirmed this with them, but I still worry maybe they’ll show up!)
Post # 11
Also feel your pain as my Dad was the “baby” of 6, so my 15 cousins were all much older and married with thier own kids by the time I tied the knot! So my 36 second cousins and their SO did not get invited. I did invite all the cousins and thier SO’s, but only the ones who were close to me actually came. My husband ended up doing the same thing, and the same thing happened, so it kept our count down overall. We only had one person complain because her kids weren’t invited — she thought they should come because they couldn’t be left by themselves in the hotel room. They were all over the age of 14 @ the time, so I didn’t feel too badly for her!
Post # 12
I also feel your pain, both of our parents are divorced so I we both have a step-mom and a step-dad and their families. FI’s dad is youngest of 7, my dad one of 8 my mom is one of 4 and his mom is one of 4. AND his entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins and all) live in the area. So we can’t invite one without enviting all! Our guest list is pushing 200 and that is not even including friends and the fire dept that he works at!
So to give you advice. Invite everyone you love. Have a pot luck, have appitizers only, I’ve heard of people doing a champane and wine only wedding. Keep it simple and make sure that it is all about YOU TWO. No one else. Don’t let it get you too stressed, everything will fall into place as it should 🙂