(Closed) A possesive groom, do I tell the bride my concerns??

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldn’t tell her, if he’s as bad as you say he is, she already knows. She will likely get defensive if you confront her. Just be there for her and if/when poo hits the fan, be there for her, back her up and help her out. But if you want to keep her in your life don’t tell her. She may get defensive or she could tell him what you said and he will stop her from seeing you. It stinks to watch people you care about go down that path but confronting them will only make the matter worse until they are ready to confront it themselves.

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would talk to her family about it and see if they have noticed the same things. Then one or more of you should talk to her, depending on how you think she’d take it best and from whom.

Sometimes, when you’re inside a relationship like that, you don’t realize how fucked up it is until an outsider points it out to you. Or sometimes you think your friends and family will be disappointed in you if you leave. I had a friend in a similar situation. Fortunately she didn’t marry the guy.

Post # 5
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would talk to her family about it and see if they have noticed the same things. Then one or more of you should talk to her, depending on how you think she’d take it best and from whom.

Sometimes, when you’re inside a relationship like that, you don’t realize how fucked up it is until an outsider points it out to you. Or sometimes you think your friends and family will be disappointed in you if you leave. I had a friend in a similar situation. Fortunately she didn’t marry the guy.

Post # 6
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

He sounds like bad news, but it also sounds like plenty of people have told her that and she’s not budging. Unfortunately it reaches a point where there’s just nothing you can do, painful as that is – you can’t force her to leave him. And you can’t fix her friendship with her former MOH – although she messed up too when she slapped him. Regardless of what he said, think of it the other way around – if one of your guy’s friends hit you, of course your guy would flip and never speak to him again, even if you had been saying something bad when he hit you. I agree with @kris325: that the best thing you can do for her is to be there for her, and try to keep her in your life so that she does have someone to turn to if/when she decides she’s ready to leave him.

 

And for future posts, you’ll probably get  alot more responses if you break it up into paragraphs, it makes it a lot easier to read and understand.

Post # 7
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sweetiepiecake:  I’m 50/50 on what you should do. She either knows and doesn’t think she can get out or something is keeping her there, maybe justifying her love (who really knows). Or she is denial and no one can reach her. 

 

If I were you and you think he is dangerous, I would catch her in a moment where she is weak (maybe after a fight) and broach the subject. If she starts to go on about how awful he is and mention some of the things you have said in this post then say: “maybe now isn’t the best time to marry this man. Tell her it will only get worse, what if she got pregnant and he treated their children the same way”.

 

Depending on the strength of her response you give her your advice. (Don’t marry him now, Go to therapy with him, Leave, RUN fast, etc.)

 

Alternatively, if you broach the subject and she doesn’t say a word, then you should just say: “Oh, well I’m really worried about you. Please come talk to me if you want. I will help you in anyway that I can. I just want you to be safe and happy”.

 

It takes a long time for people to realise they need to leave this type of relationship. I know  personally a few that never will. Do what you can, if its as bad as you say at one point she will get sick of it and try to leave, just be there when she starts to falter.

 

Post # 8
Member
7796 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think as a friend you’ve got to say something. It’s bad enough that he’s controlling, but he’s also a cheater (or at least an emotional cheater with those emails to Cindy). I’m sad to say he’s the sort of guy who turns into an abuser.

I think you need to somehow say, “You know how you warned me about my ex, now the same thing is happening to you”.

Is it possible to show her the emails he sent her to Cindy? Like get in touch with Cindy, and ask if she can send screenshots of those emails. Then you or Jen can somehow show them to Rachel (somewhere Kyle won’t see of course, like when she’s visiting you).

Post # 9
Member
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was “engaged” to a guy like that once.

I would have ALL your friends schedule Sunday morning hikes with her over the next few weeks. Then, like an hour in, go “So how is Kyle?”

And when she has NOTHING good to say aside from “Oh, he’s good”

Say “You just don’t seem happy like you used to. I remember back when (super happy memory)! You just never seem happy like that any more!”

And she’ll probably blow it off… To you.

But that comment is what convinced me to leave my very abusive ex way back when!

Post # 10
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

From experience she isnt going to leave him. You could try to talk to her but let me tell you what your up against.

 

He is already in her head emotionally. She already has turned her life over to pleasing him and making sure he isnt upset. She can only go when he says, which means more than likely he is making sure she is only seeing people who cant threaten his control.. My ex didnt let me see my parents because he knew they would talk sense into me and strip him of his control. This is why he doesnt want her hanging out with your friend Jen.

 

His mother controlling the wedding..more than likely one or both of his parents treated him this way growing up and he is now doing to your friend rachel what was done to him, being a mommas boy I can bet momma controlled all things. In order to please mother he is taking it out on Rachel. Im guessing dad is probably a wet noodle.

 

I can tell you that since day one its been a blitz attack. He has convinced her that he is the center of her world literally and figuratively. Its called grooming…Its a mix of positive behaviors mixed with over the top criticism…it desensitizes her over time to the actual damage he is doing to her…she may not realize it…he may also be acting out pressure release tactics…he gets in a really good mood, doesnt something nice for her or treats her so well she forgets that he was a jerk before and this creates a gratitude in her…before long she loses her ability to read him therefore keeping her forever in limbo.

 

Also there is something called ransoming back,…she lost her facebook, but her ransomed it back most likely…with her agreement to some impossible thing. More than likely something that would keep him in control she had to give up in order to get that one thing back.

 

This guy is a classic abuser…He fits the profile for it….he moved the relationship quickly before her instincts could kick in, he controls who she speaks to so his control doesnt slip. He allows his mother to further that control and therefore she has double the emotional abuse coming at her…He is ransoming back her things…really he isnt but he makes it seem like he didnt something good when in fact he really took something else from her. He is probably doing pressure release tactics…this is what will do her in…these good periods will make her hopeful for more good periods and she her gratitude for these good periods will make her more dependent…he keeps her friends and family from her…all to keep his control…she is losing weight, perhaps to fit into a dress but more than likely due to stress or he has mentioned she needs to lose weight to break her down..

If you want to get close to her your gonna have to get close to Kyle. As in make friends with him so he doesnt see you as a threat…Abusers and people like him know how to find the most vulnerable people to prey on. He probably knows that he is the first serious relationship she has ever had. He probably targeted her for that reason..It sounds predatory and it is. They know that someone who has more life experience might see them for what they really are…so they target people who are vulnerable..Also the quickness with which he moved the relationship….he has overriden her common sense…she sees it as he loves her so much he cant stand to be away from her when its really him getting and keeping control.

If you want a way in to see her then your gonna have to go through him. I would invite him and her so you can see her….make friends with him so you can talk to her…as long as he doesnt see you as a threat he will allow you to maintain contact with her…as soon as he views you as a threat then he will stop letting her have contact..

Have a barbecue…in their honor or something. If there is any way possible, let him know you support the relationship, but dont tell her that…Good luck cause your gonna need it.

 

 

sorry for the length but I wanted you to know what your going up against..Just be there for her..dont confront her only because he is ready for it..he knows her friends will say something and I can bet he is prepared for it…he will turn it into a them against the world scenario and she will be even more alone…just be there for the fall out…if he doesnt kill her she will eventually come around.

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Here is something else I wanted to share with you if you dont know the warning signs for abuse..maybe this can help you understand how he is breaking down her psyche.

 

Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

 

It should be emphasized at the outset that no one should be blamed for having an abusive partner. The energy and attentiveness provided in the ‘courtship phase’ of such a relationship will feel good to anyone. Let that be repeated, it feels good to anyone, not just people with a supposedly defective partner selection. While there may be some  reasons of personal history that render someone more susceptible to power behaviors.

 

Remember, the goal of the primary aggressor is to get and keep control. Relationships dont become abusive, they start out as abusive, but the tactics are less severe in the beginning, before much commitment exists. The behaviors listed below are all very strong signs of an abusive (controlling) disposition, that might still be apparent even when a primary aggressor is ‘trying to be nice.’

 

Intensity and High Involvement  Controlling partners usually seem to immediately organize their lives around you. This is flattering even if the ‘too-muchness’ is recognized. Often there is elaborate planning for vacations, get-aways, and ‘fun’ outings. Dates are over-elaborate and may create in you a sense of obligation. He may suddenly become very interested in your previous activities and want to participate with you. Conversely he may keep you so busy you may not be able to pursue your usual activities He may presume a level of intimacy that you do not feel. Gifts and other nice things seem to be too much. There is a strong pressure to accept and like his gifts and plans.

 

Need for constant contact. This can be constant text paging, long phone calls, insisting on accompanying you to all appointments and interviews, visiting you at work, etc. If he panics or rages when he cannot contact you immediately, that is a very strong warning sign indeed. It speaks to severe emotional dependency and angry attachment. This attention may feel good, but it does not bode well. Though it may sound unromantic, a healthy man will be able to get involved in other things beside his partner.

 

Jealousy without reason. This is not love for you expressing itself, this is angry attachment for all women expressing itself.

 

Pressure for early commitment This can include the desire to marry, move in together, buy property together, or have a child The aggressor may assume or insist commitment exists where it does not. This is evidence of a desire for direct and total control.

 

Blaming orientation toward life. Some upset is understandable when something unfavorable happens, but blaming his feelings, life situation, and his disturbing actions on other people, especially previous partners, is closely associated with other abusive behaviors.

 

Too good to be true. Everyone tries to appear their best when starting a new relationship, but grandiose claims that turn out to be unfounded are a warning. There may be a lot of name-dropping, especially in a field of your interest. If these are famous people it will be hard for you to verify. Merely mentioning a name tends to imply that the named person likes the naming person, but the opposite may be true or the named person may barely know the namer. Of course it will never be easy or natural to verify this, so the impression of being vouched for remains. Equally a warning is witnessing him show a strong and manipulative interest in managing impressions in other people. If he is doing this to them, he is  doing it to you. At the least, this will continue to be burden on you to maintain appearances.

 

Isolating. This can be a gradual process, but also will show up very promptly when he senses that someone is expressing doubts or a critical view of him. Often he will say he doesn’t like that person, or that the person is a bad influence on you, and insist you not talk with them.

 

Frequent talk and argument about trust and betrayal. This indicates that the aggressor believes other people not doing what he wants them to do is a crime. This is the start of justification of abuse

 

Road Rage There is something slightly disinhibiting about driving a car. Most people do not have rage just under the surface however. While the details of a road rage incident may vary somewhat, they are not really about the driving but more about a seething feeling of wanting to punish another violently for perceived affronts. A road rage incident can be a preview of how this person will act when he perceives a fault from you, once you too have become an acceptable target.

 

Ingratiating manner when he wants something. Friendliness is common when requesting something, but ingratiation is an insincere, entirely overdone friendliness. It is intended to take away the option of saying no from the other person, because that would appear cold. Ingratiation shows a will to get what he wants at all costs.

 

Describing previous partners cheating on him. While this could be the case, it is very probably part of his imagination arising from pathological jealousy. If a man reports that multiple ex’s have cheated on him, it is very likely that he will come to believe that you are too.

 

Tries to get back with his ex while wooing you. Apart from the obvious exploitation implied, this is evidence that the aggressor doesn’t really believe a partner has the right to end a relationship. Getting into a relationship with you very quickly after ending a relationship can be evidence of how desperate he feels when someone tries to separate from him.

 

Secretiveness. Next to brute force, the second most effective building block of power is to know something that someone else does not know. Secretiveness in relationships is the plain attempt to create the feeling or the reality of power by compartmentalization.

 

Showing up unannounced or uninvited. This is meant to keep you off balance. It is also a sign of pathological jealousy. This is an act of stalking.

 

Few or no close male friends. The link is not clear, but angry attachment interferes with male bonding.

 

Difficulty cooperating with others As each opportunity to cooperate arises,  a strong reason is given not to, and at first this may seem like a independent, non-conforming stance toward things. As time goes on,  however, hardly ever being willing to cooperate, suggests a tendency to see all things in terms of control/being controlled. Frequently changing jobs, chronic unemployment, or having to have a job where he works by himself, can be a sign of non-cooperativeness. But someone in an executive or leadership position may be able to turn non-cooperativeness into an asset, at least in employment.

 

Attachment Swings. These are sometimes referred to as mood swings. Mood swings go from sad to happy. Attachment swings go from pleased with people to suspicious and blaming with people. Can also be referred to as Jekyll and Hyde behavior.

 

Has to be right This is an effort by the aggressor to make what he wants something more, and therefore something he feels others must give him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’m another “just be there for her”. I also think she knows. It is up to you of course whether you want to talk to her family about your concerns. If she does end up getting a talking to by her family they will almost certainly peg you as the source of the information and that’s well within their rights. She needs happiness and support and friends and family right now. I hope her self esteem gets built back up.

Post # 13
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Rachel did it for you. You should do the same for her.

Post # 14
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My sister was in a similar relationship for 8 years and unfortunately she was married to the guy.  He cheated on her on numerous occasions and then blamed her for it, he was a drug addict, they were not intimate for 4-5 years of the marrige, he forced her to do overtime at work to pay for his addiction while he didn’t work at all. He isolated her from her friends and her family.

 

Unfortunately I don’t think talking to her will accomplish anything and her family is probably aware of what is going on but is powerless… if you speak to her she will get defensive and most likely will tell her fiance and then he will prevent her from speaking or seeing you again.  (that’s exactly what happened to me and I didn’t see my sister for years.).  The only thing you can do is be there for her, be suppportive and make sure she knows you’re there for her.  Go out with her when you can and talk about things not related to the relationship.

 

There will come a point where she will hit rock bottom and will leave on her own accord and at that time she will need all the support she can get.  My sister left after 8 years and after the last time he cheated on her, that was her last straw.  

It is very painful to watch, but i have faith that you’re friend will see him for what he is sooner or later, I just hope its sooner rather than later.

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