Post # 1
SO & I had a talk yesterday about our finances so that we can better manage. We got a joint account and I thought it would be good for us to talk about how we’re doing. Long story short, SO said we would get married eventually but what’s my rush? I replied that I have certain things I want to accomplish in my life, on of them being getting married & that a year after us dating I saw myself marrying him. He said we don’t have any money now & I completely see that, but I can’t help be frustrated.
Additionally, I have a ton of student loan debt that I can’t get consolidated because I don’t make enough money & I have high balances on my credit cards that I need to pay off.
He assures me that we will get married someday & that he does want to marry me but we just can’t afford it now. He has an over .75 diamond that is just waiting for a setting. He also said he’s unhappy & hates his job. He’s been applying to more jobs that would pay him better & so I’m not sure if that’s the root of all this. Right now I make double what he makes & I don’t know if it bothers him. He’s sort of old fashioned. In fact our joint bank account had to have his name on it because he’s the man & that’s how it is. (LOL)
I love him so much & can’t imagine my life without him. Basically this is just me venting. It’s tough to be turning 25 with my two best friends from college getting married & me feeling like the oddball.
Post # 3
Darling, I think that you need to stop and take a deep breath. You are only 25 years old, and sound like you are just out of college. It also sound like he is under pressure, and is thinking about the future. (your future together). I think that once he has obtained a better job, and is earning a better salary and paying down the student loans, he will ‘pop the question’. But until then, remind him that you love him very much and will always be there for him. (A man who is under pressure to propose- won’t- so I would ease off the topic for a while). He will propose eventually when the timing is right!
Post # 4
It sounds like he’s just not ready yet. Will you be ok with waiting even if it takes a few years? I would take this time to focus on you and pay down your debt.
Post # 5
@katepoppy: I haven’t brought it up all that much because I know he is under stress. & he needs to finish schooling and get his bachelors degree finished. I’m trying not to add any extra stress to him because he’s put enought on himself as it is. Yes I will be 25 this year & I’ve been out of college for 2 years.
@AlwaysSunny: I’d be okay waiting a few years…originally in my mind the wait was wait to be married. I always pictured myself married at 26-27.
Post # 6
Sounds like he’s not ready for many reasons. It doesn’t cost much money to get married – only the $50 for the marriage certificate, so if he wanted to get married, you technically could. Not that you need a diamond ring to be engaged, but it’s one of the costliest parts of an engagement and he’s already got that, so money can’t be the only issue. I can understand not wanting to move forward with this step until he feels secure, though. Just wait it out and be patient, your time will come.
The one thing that stuck out as odd is the fact your joint account has his name on it? That’s not a joint account, hunny. You need to protect yourself if you are contributing to the joint account. Your name needs to be on it, too. Otherwise, it’s just his account that you are contributing to but have no right to the $ once it is in the account.
Post # 7
@braverbeating: I agree with him. We made goals that we wanted to achieve before we got married. I 100% believe you should get married debt free. You want to start your marriage off in the + not – . My FI and I have been together for 5 years and have been engaged almost 2 years. There is no rush. All of my childhood friends got married last year…I dont care. I do want to rush anything. Youre my age…we are still young. I even asked my FI a year ago if he wanted to wait an extra year and he said no. So that is why we are getting married now. We are in no rush to have kids. I am going back to school so we dont have the time for kids. We also want to keep things the way they have been for the last 5 years for a few more years. I suggest you pay off everything you owe before you get married. You can get engaged but marriage is a big deal and money is a big reason couples get in fights and divorced. Stupid but its true.
Post # 8
I’m willing to bet most couples that marry don’t go into marriage free of debt that’s just the reality of today’s world. College loan debt, credit cards, car notes etc. So I never really bought into that reasoning for a delay to marry. Seems normal to me.
My friend just married her now husband and they both have hefty lifetime loans to pay off in a tiny 1 bed apartment. Point is if a man wants to marry you he will. Theres no guarantee of financial stability after a marriage. You could lose your job, hit a rough patch money wise afterwards.
If anything it’s his age. The average guy usually doesn’t marry till age 28. You’re both young, he hasn’t reached his ready stage yet. Women usually feel ready before men do. You both are at different ready stages.
If he’s openly talking to you about marriage and the future that’s good. If he was avoiding it then I would be concerned.
Post # 9
@MrsWBS: My name is on it too…but his name is first.
@jesssamesssa: I’d be more than fine with being engaged for a few years.
@NickiBee: He openly talks about how it will happen someday & then on the flip side how it would only take a few phone calls to plan. His age probably is a factor…he’s going to be 26 this year.
Post # 10
@braverbeating: Does he know you would be ok with having a long engagement? He may think of getting engaged as meaning the wedding is just a few months out.
Post # 11
@jesssamesssa: this. Mine heard engaged and thought wedding right away. Now we are both open to a year or more engaged. He has savings, no debt, and I have student loans and some money troubles besides that. We will not have joint accounts until marriage though.
Post # 12
@braverbeating: I met FI at 20 whem he was 26. It really took him hitting 30 to reprioritize his life…without any nudging from me.
Its hard seeing everyone getting married. I am into a 2 year engagement and will be 26 when I get married. It feels like forever. I also have a crapton of debt and we are making it work.
What I’m saying that where there is a will, theres a away. Also, geting married is not a race. Your friends have their moment and you will too!
Post # 13
@jesssamesssa: I think he knows…but perhaps I should mention a long engagement.
@Laurenplusalex: that’s where we are…him with little to no debt & me with what seems like a mountain.
@sealevels: gahhhh I hope I don’t have to wait until I’m 30!! I think its fine for men…but I feel for me it’d be late….lol.
Post # 14
My FI and I never discussed a long engagement but I wanted to wait at least a year and he did know that. He knows how picky I am about things and I told him I need at least a year to plan our wedding. It took us 2 years! I am ok with it though as it has given us more time to really understand what we are getting ourselves into. I with you Larenplusalex about not having joint accounts until marriage. We each have our own accounts and on joint account. We opened up a joint account for when we go on trips. This way its like a little savings account for us so when we go we pull money from there for anything we want to do instead of our own accounts and one of us end up being broke at the end of the trip. Right now since we arent saving for a trip it serves as my savings account. I will never tell him how he should or shouldnt spend his money and same for him. We work hard for our money. If he wants to spend money on me cool. If he wants to buy a new upgrade for one of his toys cool. Even when we are married we will still have separate accounts but our joint will serve as our house and bills account. So every month we will both put what we can into it and pay our bills with that one account.
Post # 15
If a man wants to marry you PLUS is ready to marry – he will. The 100% debt-free thing is not a reality for many in today’s world so I don’t buy that.
@braverbeating: You are only 25 so it’s not time to be making your exit just yet. However, what you can do is two things: 1) focus on paying off your debt and 2) watch your SO’s actions. He may not be ready this minute, but over time, his actions should start progressing in a way that it’s evident he sees a future with you. If in 1 or 2 years, he still has the same stance he has now, it may be time to really think about your relationship.
Post # 16
@jesssamesss we will have both joint and separate accounts as well, and decide together, after bills are paid, how much is saved and how much we can play with. But, his mad money will be just that-his. I’m not sure how we’ll handle my loan debt. On the one hand, it seems unfair for him to have to pay any of it. But, it doesn’t seem fair for me to be broke and him to get money for whatever he wants. He will likely help me out if possible, since he does now.