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That is ABSURD. I've never in my life paid $1,200 to stay anywhere - especially at some beach house I'd be sharing with a bunch of other people! And are you serious with the remaining $800 to cover food and alcohol? Um, HELLO - it's THEIR job to cover your food and alcohol. It seems to me that this person is essentially having her guests pay for her wedding and that is just ridiculous. It's beyond tacky. Not only would I not go, I would be offended. That or I would think I was being Punk'd or something.
Sadly, this reminds me why we decided not to have a destination wedding. We could not begin to justify asking even our closest family and friends to pay that much to come to our wedding. $2,000 is a lot of money.
I wouldn't be able to afford it. I'd feel bad about not going, but $2,000 is a LOT to spend on transportation and accomodations.... plus a gift on top of that? No way.
It's your decision about where to spend your money. When people choose to do destination weddings, they choose to risk that people won't be willing or able to spend the money to go. It sounds, from what you say, that you don't think this would be a wise use of your money. I would send a very nice card congratulating them, and perhaps a gift, and move on.
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Ditto (Kittyachi). I would be offended that they'r asking for $ in exchange for attendance, let alone that amt of $.
No way. It's not the guests responsibility to cover the wedding expenses...let alone to a locale that you can drive to. Guests usually pay for their own travel and accomodations when attending a destination wedding, but the bride makes every effort to get them good block rates if they're OOT guests - and no one pays for their food or alcohol (unless it's a cash bar). It sounds like the bride is telling you to consider her wedding a vacation as a way to justify her so rudely asking her guests to foot the bill. Yeah, okay. She can't force you to take a vacation - and then put a price tag on it. If she really cared about you coming to the wedding, she would allow you to show up with the option of NOT paying for unnecessary overnight expenses. Otherwise, I might send her a gift, and skip the wedding altogether.
Wow I think thats a lot to ask of people, especially since you mentioned its close enough for you to drive to! Do you HAVE TO stay in this beach house? To the friend that snapped at you I would have responded "I dont have $$ for a vacation, let alone a $2000 wedding weekend!"
I'm having a "destination wedding" of sorts given that the location is 6 hours away from us/our guests.. and I feel bad asking them to spend $300 on gas and hotels for the weekend! I wouldnt imagine asking $2000!
I'm a little confused -- you said it's a destination wedding, but that you can also drive to this wedding. If that is true, I would call the bride and let her know that although you are very excited for her wedding, that right now money is tight and you and your fiance will be driving to and from the wedding for the day only. It makes the most sense for you two and spending $2000 is insane. My fiance and I travel a LOT for other people's weddings (he went to school far away from where we live, so most of his friends still live there) and we have never spent that much. Do only what you can. Congrats on YOUR wedding - it's so soon! :)
I agree with everyone else, thats way too much money!! I would have loved to have a destination wedding but I knew my friends couldn't all afford it so I choose to stay close to home.
Is there a hotel nearby where you could get a room for 1-2 nights? If so, just tell her that you will come to the actual wedding but that you are finding your own accomodations.
I've rented a beach house and paid $1000+ per couple but that was for a week long vacation. It was great but it's not something I would EVER ask my guests to do.
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Yes its a destination wedding, we live in Ohio and its at a beach house in the Carolinas, about an 8 hr drive so same day is not an option. I thought about the option of looking for somewhere else to stay for a day or so but I guess I was just put off by this. I have awhile to decide. I also know I am not the only freind that feels this way so I feel awful if many people do not attend but dont think its my place.
I understand a comment from a PP that that is the risk people take when they plan a destination wedding but seriously where is the line in asking someone to attend your wedding?
Sigh...I'm planning on a destination wedding and this is exactly my biggest concern. My FI's closest friends are very successful and would not question the cost for a vacation/DW. My closest friends, however, are successful but in a field where the success is not defined by monetary compensation...meaning, asking them to "vacation" with us will be difficult. Most of my friends also have children and this makes it even more difficult.
We haven't decided on a venue or a date yet. Still trying to do the research to come up with best option.
We do intend on making it very clear that we do NOT want gifts (their presence is way~ more than enough); and I, at the least, started writing my closest friends letting them know that we do plan on destination wedding and that I'd be honored if they would consider vacationing with us (and that we have a FULL understanding that not everyone will be able to come).
Bear9206 - I think it is outrageous for anyone to snap at you. I also think it is immature for anyone to think that spending $2K is simply "living their life". (Sorry, don't mean to offend your friends.) Especially if they both know each other and know that you are having to attend both weddings (double the cost). You and your FI are being financially responsible and you deserve all the respect. The way I see it is: they are being somewhat selfish when planning the DW (I know and understand that I am); well, you have every right to be "selfish" and plan and protect your future/family financially. Your friends should understand that.
My best to you in deciding what to do...and I'm sorry that you have to worry about all of this...
Firstly, $2k is TOO MUCH TO ASK of ANYONE. That includes the bridal party!! Even the parents! Too too too much!!
Secondly, you shouldn't be snapped at or pressured just because you can't afford to attend. It is your perogative, and as we all know, the only one who cares that much about the wedding is the bride and groom. Everyone else has their own lives to worry about.
Thirdly, a wedding is a party you host in your own honor (if you are paying for it) or that your parents host in your honor (if they are paying for it). The GUESTS do not pay for anything!! EVER! Hello! Asking the guests to pay is stupid. I hope they put a huge retainer on that beach house and that no one shows up and they lose their deposit. The whole thing REEKS of bad etiquette. Guests do not pay for the venue, food, or drinks. I would be humiliated to ask this of my guests! And even if I did do this, my own DW would only cost $500 per person in my estimation! I have no idea how two people planned such an extravagant wedding and then asked their guests to pay. It's just sad.
Finally, my answer would be to not attend and send them whatever gift you would like. Just because you're not going doesn't mean you have to spend more money on a gift (or that you have to give a gift at all!). If you want to give them something, I would give them whatever it is, whether you are going or not.
That is absolutely crazy. When I had my DW I searched for and secured group rates for accomodations in both "budget" and "moderate" price points. I also scoured the internet for the best flight deals and helped my more frugal friends find deals. Aside from that, we told everyone that if they couldn't make it, we would TOTALLY understand, because we know that attending a DW can be expensive. I would NEVER pressure my friends to help me fund the cost of a fancy a beach house. If you want to attend the wedding, I would find a nearby hotel to stay for a night or two. It's not your obligation to help her cover the cost of the beach house!
I think you guys are being unreasonable. I vacation every year at all-inclusive resorts like Sandals and Grand Lido and there are always AT LEAST a dozen couples a day getting married, most of whom have guests. I am planning a destination wedding. We have about 50 guests who have chosen to attend, and the cost is about $1500 per couple for four days including airfare at an all-inclusive resort(this is a substantially discounted rate at the resort based on the number of attendees).
When I planned my wedding, initially I was concerned about the cost to the guests. However, the wedding isn't for them. It's for myself and my fiancee. If they can make it, wonderful. If they cannot afford it, no problem, they'll get the DVD in the mail. (And no we did not register and will not be accepting gifts whether guests are able to attend or not.) Since 90% of our friends and family would have to fly in and stay for 2 nights, the cost is not that much more and at least they will get a vacation out of it.
My point is that no one is wrong here. Your friend has every right to do whatever she wants for her wedding wherever she wants to have it. Ultimately, its about the couple not the guests. And if guests cannot make it because its not in the budget or they have another conflict, that happens at every wedding regardless of location or cost and I am certain she will understand. What's the big deal?
bifflegirl - I think that you're right, $1500 is a reasonable amount including airfare for 4 days of vacation. Especially if it is your choice of where to go.
Bear - I think that if your friend let all of her friends know that she has a beach-house that will sleep X number of couples, and it is first come first serve at $1,200 per couple, that would be reasonable. I don't understand however, is the extra $800. Is that your guestimate of your gas, food, etc or are you giving her that $800. Clarification on that would be appreciated before I berate her for being inconsiderate :)
She shouldn't have snapped at you. If you decide to go, I think you're totally within your rights to find your own accommodations rather than $1200 to go in on the beach house... presumably there's a more affordable way to do it?
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I honestly did not think anyone was unreasonable, everyone has their opionon. I am not paying that amount of money to attend a wedding. I would not ask that of my guests but they can do what they want. I never said that they shouldn't do what they want, its their wedding, as I am doing what ever I want with mine. However, just be polite and respectful to your guest/friends if they choose not to come. :) But I guess there will always be people that take things so personally and its hard to avoid.
I think it's unreasonable to ask/tell your guests that they will stay at particular lodging when more reasonable accommodations can be found elsewhere. If a wedding is hosted at an all-inclusive resort as one of the previous posters mentioned, the cost is probably known to all of the guests so they can make arrangements (or not). If a wedding is as you describe and guests are asked/told to stay at particular lodging that is that much for a weekend, that is just too much.
Question: Did the bride tell you this was your lodging option or one of your other friends/another guest? Were you given other options?
I am having a sort-of destination wedding (it's the locale of my family's second home and our family and friends are scattered along the east coast --for many it is a 3.5 hour drive). We blocked rooms at two local hotels with rates around $140 per night. Most guests are choosing to stay for 2 or more nights and attend the multiple festivities we have organized (3 dinners). We also posted on our website that if guests would like to rent a house or condo (amongst themselves) they can contact our local rental agent who can help them make arrangements. If guests are choosing to make a vacation out of it, they may find that renting a house is the more reasonable option, especially if they pair up with other couples. But no one is required to do this and the cost is not so outrageous (and it's a resort town).
I think you have a couple of options: a. don't attend and send your regrets, b. attend and make the drive in the same day if possible, c. attend and make your own accommodations at a less expensive option for one or two nights, d. attend and stay with your friends for the big $$.
That's nuts.
I would tell her that money is too tight and that you'll of course be attening all the activities, and spending the night nearby, but that you cannot afford that after having to travel there, buy them a nice gift, and (remember to say niiiice gift ok?) buy a new house.
What I'm going to do (no matter where we marry unless it is in north MS) it will be a destination wedding. I'm going to negotiate three different hotels and get three different price points for guests..a luxury, a moderate, and a budget. Get them a good deal and definitely NOT 2k.
Geez. for that kind of money it should be YOUR OWN PRIVATE house on the beach rented for 2 or 3 days at best.
What you're telling me is basically this couple is making everybody pay and their wedding site is FREE? Are they staying at the same place? If so I'd bet everybody is paying for their wedding.
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Sure the bride and groom can do what they want. And let guests know that if they want to attend it will be $2000. The problem is taking issue with guests who are unwilling or unable to pay. And I might be reading too much into this, Bear, but I'm sensing since you and your FI are more responsible with your money, your friends are thinking you are either made out of money, or it's about time you splurge. See I have an issue with people telling other people how to spend their money!
And that's great if people are able to get the cost of their destination weddings, a "reduced rate" for their guests. However, who's to say that the guests 1) still have the money, 2) want to take a vacation or 3) if they do want to vacation, that they want to do it with the other guests, at your location, and/or at the time of your wedding?
@ biffle -And if guests cannot make it because its not in the budget or they have another conflict, that happens at every wedding regardless of location or cost and I am certain she will understand. But what if the problem is not that she can't afford it, or that she has a conflict? What if she just doesn't want to spend $2000? I'm wondering how some brides feel about that. Certainly DWs have a lot more people declining simply because they don't want to blow that kind of money for someone's wedding, or be hassled with the travel. (And if it was local, or easier to travel to, would be gladly attending the wedding.)
And I agree, if in fact the bride is asking people to spend their money for her reception, that is ridiculous.
I think $2000 just for lodging and food is absurd. If this included airfare, travel expenses, or something else, it might be more reasonable. I agree that the best course of action is to mention to the bride that, while you'd love to attend, $2000 for you guys right now is not something you can justify and offer the solution of staying elsewhere. I'm so sorry this is causing you stress! :/
The two weddings I've attended were both destination and we stayed at a hotel, and there were multiple hotels available for all price ranges.
I think it's very unacceptable to generalize your friends and assume everyone could afford that. Not everyone spends the same ... that is just rude, I mean, especially to do to guests of the wedding.
That is a NONO! Lol. This is like having a cash bar but on a whole different level. Lol.
personally i dont think $2K is alot IF you are going somewhere nice and its 4 to 7 days.... BUT the question is how much of a vacation will you get out of it.
a group house with other people and still having to cook and clean doesnt sound like a holiday to me and i would decline and prefer to make my own accomodation & activity choices but thats just me, i like being independent from a group. if it was a hotel where guests had some space to do their own thing i would be much happier.
So far this is all the options the bride has told us so far, we do have a ways off in time so things are bound to change. We will consider the option of looking for other lodging for a night or 2 but no more than that. Everyone will be staying in the same house as the bride and groom and the price is per couple. The thing that bothered me too is that includes her family. This is one of the reasons I opted out of doing a DW bc I knew his family would have trouble getting there and taking the time off. I understand its about the couple but for me its also about your family too and you need to consider them.
Thats the thing too, ELOPING, it would not be much of a vacation. I have been there done that with the group vacations, and well its not much of a vacation anymore and to try and throw a wedding in there, whew!
My friends and I use to be very open about topics such as finances and stuff but I am finding myself closing up bc of situations like this. We have done alot of traveling in the past few years, so we have definetly splurged, its just we are ready to settle down and with the house and future children, we are ready to be frugal and with todays economy, you have no idea what is going on from one day to the next.
Its just hard dealing with the guilt and the hurt feelings that come with not attending if not able to. While some brides have DW and obviously have no hurt feelings if people dont come as some have posted above, there are others and I beleive my friend will fall into this catergory, that will be hurt and upset if people dont attend. And with doing a DW, you have to be understanding to that and not take it so personally but yet it happens and it becomes hard on the guest too.
I appreciate all the comments and advice! I will definetly keep some things in mind and hopefully all will work out!
I think you are being very reasonable and I hope your friend will reconsider her plans if she would be hurt by people not attending. When you make an event difficult to attend, it's hard to hold it against people for not attending. Just hang in there and let us know!
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Well it's clear at least one wedding you can skip. It's inappropriate for the bride to ask you to pay more than your room to help cover food/alcohol costs. Normally for a destination wedding, you pay for your travel/lodging and meals that aren't hosted by the couple, not paying into a fund that covers all of the couple's expenses!
I think all of us need to keep in mind how we say things to others. What seems important to us may not too them. I had a Bride want to go to New York for her Bach party. Which was going to cost around $1500 a girl. I spoke up and said this is crazy not all BMs can afford to do this. I was quickly told that I could afford it and to get over it! I think I would try to find another place to stay that is cheapier. Chances are you are not the only couple that wants to attend the wedding but doesn't want to spend the money.
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We are having a destination Wedding in Costa Rica, and didn't have expectations for anyone to come (except for our immediate family). My FI's parents have lots of money and go on extravagant trips all the time so it's no biggie for them. For my parent's it is a little tougher, but after discussing it, they made it clear that it was a reasonable cost for them and that it was still MUCH cheaper than helping us pay for a local wedding.
As for Friends and the rest of our family, we just made it VERY clear that no one was expected to come, and that if that wanted to go on an incredible vacation, had the money, time off work, and desire that we would love them to be there, but that most importantly no one was obligated.
The total cost is about $1500 pp for 8 days/nights, airfare, activities and travel between our two locations. Right now, we have a total of 24 (10 are our immediate family), which was way more than we expected.
I have plenty of close friends that are unable to come for a host of reasons, and I would never be angry at any of them for not being able to attend. That is why we are having a Celebration party when we get back.
Again, the Wedding day is about my FI and me, and no one else, and we wanted to get marry in Costa Rica. Everyone else that is coming is just icing on the cake!
If the person is not super close to me, I'd ditch the wedding altogether, or just tell her that I'm saving my money, we're not looking to take a vacay at this point, so we'll be driving there. AND yes, that is TACKY to ask guests to contribute that much.
Is she asking her guests to pay $1200 each to cover the cost of the wedding? Or its $1200 for transportation, lodging, etc for you to go? Either way unfortunately I think is a bit ridculous. Is she going to say you cant come to the wedding if you dont stay where all the other guests are staying? Even if it were my best friend, there is no way Id be able to afford that to go to her wedding!
My DW in St. Lucia cost much less per couple, but we were very cost-conscious for our guests. Honestly, I wouldn't attend the wedding in the Carolinas. You don't exactly sound excited about it.
Our little event will probably cost about a grand a couple/family, so less, some more. But, we're covering all food and activities past lodging. BUT, we don't expect anybody to give gifts and we understand if our friends can't come. We also understand if people want to find a better deal if they can. Last, we know a lot about our friend's $$ situations. So, I wouldn't consider this if I thought it would be an issue.
WOW thats a lot to ask of a friend. I'd be upset too...and honestly to spend that much in the east coast is way high (im from VA). Im getting married in Aruba and my guest won't even pay that much. Don't feel obligated to go and she should't pressure you into it either.
I am speaking from experience of planning our DW. The cost breaks down to about $500 per person (minus air if they do not live in florida only my parents really).
We knew not everyone would be able to come, we gave everyone over a year to save and the guests could have paid $50 a month and have paid it off in installments with Disney no problem....reguardless more than half of those invited are not coming, I was upset at first especially since my MOH backed out with no apparent reason-but in the end we have a great group of people atteneding and we knew some people just wouldn't save or wouldn't be able to plan ahead its a given for a destination wedding.
I think there are a couple of things to consider, if you didnt live in the same city or within a commute to the wedding what would it cost you to attend a non-destination? We just had to go to Orlando for a wedding of my fiances best friend in April...we went from Thursday (because of the rehersal being thursday) and flew home Sunday...total cost of the flights, rental car, and hotel for the weekend not including the gift we bought (alot of people dont expect gifts at DW) and the food for the weekend grand total of $1400--so compare that, look at the notice you got for the wedding did it allow for planning to have to save that large amount?
I just think you need to be honest if you can not go, and be sure to send a gift after the fact. I am sick of the we dont have the money excuse from family and friends but then come to find they are going to Las Vegas, or Europe, or florida for another friend's weekend right around the same time--its just awful that people dont tell the truth anymore...the bride shouldn't be angry if you are upfront about it--good luck!
I hope they gave you a great wedding gift to feel they deserve a $2000 one. This is ridiculous. They probably realized very quickly that they couldn't afford their dream wedding, and this seems like a scheme to make it happen.
Hmm, as a bride who's having a destination wedding (it's more a destination for us because we're the ones who have to travel the most, but 90 percent of our guest list have to drive at least four hours or more, or fly), I can say that the cost is too much for a guest. However, no one really has the right to complain because if it is too much for you, just decline the invite, and send a nice card and gift.
Personally, I feel that as far as weddings go, the bride and groom can do whatever they want as far as where to have the wedding, the style, etc. It's really more about making the guests that DO come feel appreciated and welcomed once they're there. If the bride and groom's decision doesn't fit your budget, not your problem, right? Just don't go. Either the couple wants it to be a small guest list, or they'll realize they should have been more hospitable by blocking off rooms at less-expensive hotels when they start receiving more No's than originally planned.
I can honestly say that we did our best to choose a place that people would want to visit and make a weekend out of it, but we're the ones paying for our wedding, so in the end, we chose a place that made us happy, and pretty much concluded, "If no one else likes it, tough." However, we're going out of our way to ensure all our guests are well taken-care of with lots of hotel options, OOT bags in their rooms and lots of fun things to do at the wedding.
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Ok, so 2 of my friends are having destination weddings within a year of each other and My FI and I just flipped out over the costs. Now I must give some background before I go on. My FI and I are getting married in 2 weeks, building a house and starting our savings etc for the house, to start a family and have done a lot traveling in our 3 years as a couple and are ready to settle down. Money is always an issue for us as we are very frugal and with these times would rather save and have a cushion instead of spending unwisely. And well while we dont make a huge amount, we make enough for us to be comfortable. Now with my 2 friends, money is never an issue and always talk about how they wish they could save like as thats probably a good idea, but they feel and have said they want to live their life. I never seen 2 people throw money around like they do.
My question is what is the reasonable price to ask a guest, not someone in the party, to attend your wedding? I love destination weddings! I just feel horrible though because I feel I am not going to be able to attend one if not both. The one is asking for us to pay almost $2000 to go. She is renting a huge house on the beach and she feels that $1200 per couple would be sufficent for the house and then the remaining amount to cover price of food and alcohol. And its somewhere we can drive. I was a little baffeled by this. I expressed concerned in a way where I am not trying to be rude but was snapped at by a friend that well its no different then a vacation and treat it like a vacation. My FI flipped out about that because its not a vacation for us, considering the company that will be involved but thats a whole different post! LOL!
What do you guys think and what do you expect of your guests?