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I would say that if they want to have these extra people on the guestlist, that they need to pay for the added expenses, no matter if they are above and beyond the per plate cost. They would need to pay for the venue, the extra centerpieces, rentals,etc. Anything that would be incurred due to the added # of people. Otherwise, if you and FI to want to keep it smaller, let them know how many people they can invite, but that doesn't really sound like it will be an option.
If they want this grand affair, then they need to contribute in some significant way. Otherwise, you and FI should stick to your guns and have the wedding you want.
Can you talk to his mom at all and explain the situation. Perhaps she can loosen some purse strings as $30 a plate isn't going to happen. Do some research on what you can afford, be honest and say here's what we can do with our budget and you providing the cost - here's what we can't do. If they're concerned about their social appearance they will get the hint. If not, then do what you want, and who cares if they're embarrassed - it was their choice.
I would reserach, research, research. Find out EXACTLY what the cost increase will be to include these people. Then propose to FI (and ideally, his family, if he agrees) about the increase and tell them that even though they're offering $30 pp, it will cost XX more pp and it needs to be covered if they want them invited. Don't forget any cost... invites, dessert, any chair covers, etc. Even stamps! They should cover it if they want them there. I think the cousins would be niec to invite (I personally cannot imagine my wedding without mine... and I have 45) but his random people... you shouldn't have to pay a dime.
@Arizona Bride
This is what I feel ... but, right now, FI isn't on 'my side'. He wants to keep the peace etc etc. But his parents are being selfish, they can't have their cake and eat it too. They are forcing us into a situation that we aren't able to do what we are comfortable with, so that we can accomodate their requests.
I'm so happy I don't have to deal with this parental BS from my end too (blessings in disguise I guess the fact that my parents failed at being parents).
Well, he needs to be on your side before you even continue planning--whether he wants to just keep the peace or not! Ask him point blank: would he rather his parents be embarrassed and you possibly go into debt for a wedding you can't afford OR asking them to cover the added costs and if they don't, having the wedding YOU want.
The way I see it, either they pony up some money to cover everything inviting their guests would mean or you get to have the small wedding you want and they can shove it.
bvig took the words right out of my mouth. Sit down with FI and figure out your budget and what you can afford. Find a venue, etc. within your budget and make a plan based on what your original intents were.
Then show this to FILs and say THIS is what WE can afford. If you want something more than this, than we need a major contribution.
@Kipugs
I assume you get along and enjoy your cousins ... this is not our reality ... we see them at weddings and funerals. The only reason FIs mom wants to invite them, is because it is in 'poor taste' not to.
Yea cousins I would say is a depends-on-the-fam thing. I think it's more normal to invite cousins though than "associates" or whoever on the dad's list!!!! But you shouldn't have to invite ANYONE who you aren't close with. If they pay, great. If not... they'll HAVE to understand! GL
I really agree. Just have the budget laid out and what that means you can pay for. Give them an honest look at what you will bethrowing using your own money. If they want something grander, let them know what the "notch above" would cost. They can decide if they want to fork over the money or not.
And you are right there is morce cost that goes into adding extra guests, than just the cost oftheir plate. Just point that out to them. Make sure they know that the venue you can afford can only hold a certain amount. Then point out what venue you could be looking at if you had to put up a larger guest count. Based on what you said about them, they will more likely bend from peer pressure than anything else. So be able to give them a figure of how much money you would need in order to cover these extras they might want.
Also be sure to talk to Fi about what you don't want to budge on. (Ie. Don't tell FMIL that if she wants to have a larger venue she needs to give more money, if in fact you really just want the venue you have. You'll be in a sticky spot if she agrees to pay for the larger venue.)
I knwo it's frustrating. But if they don't want to pay they aren't obligated. But if they don't want to contribute, they don't have a right to complain.
@Cinemaparadiso and HotChild
That is the action plan this weekend, FI and I need to get on the same page, because we aren't right now. He thinks that our first step needs to find out everyone that is going to be invited (including his parents guests) and then find somewhere that will accomodate everything, in our price range.
I think that we need to figure out what is important to us, quantity or quality ... having the 'perfect reception' and paying it off over a year or two ... all sorts of things. It should also be known, that I don't care for a reception, I'd much rather just go to a restaurant, etiquette be damned.
My first wedding, I was in this situation and my FMIL at the time wanted to invite all these people that we didn't know so she could show off. My FI (ex) didn't ever stand up to her on anything. I didn't factor in the extra costs of invitations, postage, centerpieces, etc. and we gave her the cost for just dinner and drinks for her guests. We were already going overboard having such a formal reception. The whole reception was her idea. We actually had a DW in the Caribbean with 11 people and that's all we cared about. We ended up in debt, which put a huge strain on our marriage. It wasn't the cause of our divorce per say, but it sure didn't help things any. You two need to stand together on this.
Littlemiss, it doesn't sound like you're getting the wedding day you want at all. I wish I could help you, but I'm under the same kind of pressure right now (Do we stick with the date we have and barely afford everything? Do we move it back and have the wedding of our dreams?)... I just wish you lots of luck and know that whatever it is, in the end you and I will both be married! :)
Make an entire budget with the extra guests and all other expenses associated with the costs of the reception. I don't know how you are doing it, if you have an all inclusive package in mind, or are renting each piece, but get a grand total for the reception which would include EVERYTHING need for the larger list. Then divide that total out among you guest list, this is your per person cost, not just the per plate cost.
So for example, if you did a venue that held 120 max for your (original) plan, which was all inclusive of chairs, tables, linens, etc and say this was going to cost 6,000. Your per person is $50, even though they list their plate as $30.
If you have to get a venue that seats 200 max, and the all inclusive for this is is $10,000, but you only have 150 guests, this bumps your per person cost up to $67! Try asking them for this type of contribution, if this makes sense!
@Tanya123
This is my thinking too. I mean, I'm not unreasonable ... I am more than fine to deal with the headache, politics and social stuff, to work with FIs parents to work on something that will make them look good ... but only if they are kicking in a good contribution. I'm not going to stress about making them look good, when the money is coming from us. As someone else said, they can 'shove it'.
Hell, if they want to pay for the reception, I can tell them how many people I would like ... and that it has to stay public transit accessible ... and they can plan the entire thing if they want. I really don't care about the reception, or people's perceptions of us ... because the people who matter to us, are going to be honoured to be invited to whatever we throw, even if its just at a restaurant.
I'd plan (on paper) two alternate weddings--one of the guest list size you want, and one with the extra 30-40 people they are discussing, and tell them that if they pay the *entire* difference (and explain why the difference is more than per plate--that includes extra invitations, the larger venue, the extra centerpieces and linens, etc., and you should also be sure to include taxes and service charges if applicable) they can invite their extra people. And then be firm. If you show these numbers to your FI, he'll probably see your perspective more.
If his family complains and isn't happy with exactly what you're able and willing to provide to everyone else, I think you should go ahead with what fits in your budget and with your vision.
So am I hearing this right that the inlaws want to invite people that you don't think need to be invited, and they expect you to pay for it? And the inlaws aren't contributing any money to the wedding?
I totally agree with hotchild. Show them exactly what you can afford and then maybe they will give you some more money if they are really worried about how that reflects on them (social status).
Why doesn't FI's dad want to pay for the reception? Are there underlying issues?
@cinemaparadiso
I am having the ceremony I want, at the church I want. As the ceremony is just a formality in FIs mind, he didn't have any preference. The reception is just a formality in my mind, and the only preference I have is that if I have to exclude anyone from my guest list, it is because we are having a small wedding (like 80 guests in total instead of 120). I don't want to exclude anyone for any other reason.
To me, a wedding, is the ceremony ... it is that look on the grooms face when his bride walks down the aisle. And we will have that.
@Jacqi
FIs dad would rather give us money to help with a downpayment on a house, when that time comes ... he thinks (and its true) that receptions are a great way to piss away money. Also, he thinks we're young (24 and 25) ...but ultimately, it is because he is sensible with his money (which I agree).Their contribution would cover their guests at the reception, but right now, not anything else.
little miss- that actually sounds pretty good and financially smart!
I think you and your FI should discuss exactly what you see your wedding and reception being. Don't get dragged into paying for a huge reception that you don't even want. And it seems like FI's dad would be on your side with not overspending on this.
Difficult situation! Is it possible that FI's parents are really out of touch and think that $30 buys anything?? Is it possible that they think thier son has alot more money that he actually does and he is being tight so whay souldn't they? Most important I think is to be very clear that you realize it is an event for them as well as for you (Someone's going to smack me for that....I know it's your wedding but in planning my own I have come to terms with that fact and obvioulsy that is kind of how they feel too....) and that their comfort is important to you..... Then maybe you can include them on the planning alittle - meaning getting first hand information on venue and plate cost, inviation cost etc. Maybe his Mom would be interested since she has two boys. It may contribute to nicer relations int he future. Otherwise, have it where your want and they can choose to invite or not!!
First off , i would approach this with sensitivity and with a calming voice ...I would ask him if he cares much about what society dictates ? Maybe he agrees with his parents and doesn't want to tell you ? tell him that you appreciate the fact that his parents are paying for the EXTRA pple they want to invite ,however he must realize that this wedding is about you 2 and that you want to invite pple you actually care about and not pple your REQUIRED to invite because HIS parents want to invite them..and because of there social status and such, he has to realize that his parents and their guest may not appreciate the wedding that you and him can afford ..
Do the parents know what ur ideas are for your wedding ? Like how you want to serve everyone ? What kind of food ? Something tells me , that if u tell them what kind of wedding u plan on having , they may not WANT TO invite there friends ..mention that what u want to do, is all u can AFFORD TO DO...if they want to mention somethings more suitable for their guest ..tell them once again U can't afford to change your ideas ..for them ..UNLESS they were to help you out .. i don't know if any of this helps you ...so GOOD LUCK
I agree, show them an honest budget and what that money will get you. We had to do this with my FI's mother because she just "had" to invite all these people, but we had been looking at smaller venues. We told her that if she wanted to add on so many, she would have to cover the cost of a larger, more expensive venue and all the extra work that comes with additional guests (more centerpieces, more paper products, etc).
It worked out for us because she was reasonable about it. I almost wish we had just turned her down from the start because I dislike that we have all of these "social status" guests, but what can ya do.
@ponypi
Nope, his parents are always planning large group shindings ... they know how much stuff costs. And my original inclination was to involve his mom with stuff, because she doesn't have a daughter ... but I also thought that his parents would realize that they don't have daughters (where their society dictates they would be responsible to foot the bill) and that FIs younger brother, has a girlfriend in the same standing ... that they would offer to help out in a heartbeat. So now ... its hard, because I understand I've not had to deal with the parental aspect of growing up and hte obligations, respect issues and all that stuff that comes with it. So, now, I'm just at a loss, because I don't know what is reasonable for me to loosen up on, because I haven't had to ever deal with it.
Thanks for the advice all ...
I think that you should not worry about their "social obligations" and all that. Lay out for them what you can afford with YOUR budget and YOUR guest list, and the costs associated with bumping up the guests that they are adding. I would tack on all "indirect" costs as well, such as extra centerpieces, favors, larger venue costs, etc. If they give you the money to cover it, great; if they cause a scene about it not being fancy enough, then tough for them! They can't have it both ways. Stick to your guns on this girl!
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So, I knew that FI's dad was going to be difficult to deal with, but it is way worse than I could have imagined.
Some back ground, FI is the oldest of two boys ... his parents (and grandparents) are very well off. I come from a family that is from below the poverty line (almost like the pauper and the prince ... except, that FI is making it on his own, and isn't going to rely on his parents money).
Anyways, his parents can more than afford to pay for a reception (FI and I have an ideal guest list of 120 people, of course this can be pruned down if needed). They could throw us a far more elaborate reception than we could imagine, if they wanted to, and it wouldn't break the bank, or come close to it.
But, FIs dad (he who controls the money) has let us know that he will not pay for a reception, which is fine, that was what we suspected would happen (I understand part of the reason he has done so well for himself is that he has had tight hold over the finances). HOWEVER, he still has a guest list of 30 people he wants to invite, and FIs mother thinks that all the cousins should be invited (which is about another 20 people ... and then I would be forced to invite mine, which would add another 10 people).
Of course, they said right away, that they will pay for those people (on their end) per plate cost, and FI thinks that solves the problem. But this is not the problem. The problem is, is that if we are covering the cost of our guests, we are not going to be able to afford a sit down traditional reception, nor a venue that would be large enough to fit 150-160 people.
His parents social status dictate that in order to protect their reputation, they need to invite certain people to an event, like their eldest sons wedding ... I give a rats a** about their reputation ... my feeling is, in this situation, they get the liberty of making a good show in the social circles and inviting the people they 'have to', only if they are footing a good chunk of the bill (boo hoo, they may only be able to go on 4 trips out of country next year instead of their usual 6 or 7). Because let me tell you, the sit down reception FI and I can afford on our own, would be about $30 a plate, and you can imagine what sort of sacrifices would need to be made to find somewhere that can accomodate this (we live in a downtown metropolitan, and have to have the reception there, because 95% of my guest list doesn't drive) ... are his parents uppity friends not going to gossip about the fact that the reception is at a legion hall/community centre/we served pasta as the meal etc. just as much as, if not more, if they just weren't invited in the first place.
Problem is, FI doesn't understand ... and I don't want to fight with him about this.
What to do, what to do.