Post # 1
Oh boy have I gotten myself into some trouble. I need help big time!
I had a bridemaid who quit 2+ months ago. It was for very selfish reasons (on her part) and culminated in a big blow up between the two of us. I didn’t think we were ever going to talk again – that bad.
Unrelated to the fight, but integral to the story, her (soon to be) ex-husband who is also a dear friend of mine was not attending the wedding because she was going to be in it. Too awkward, too soon – I understood that. But when we had this huge fight and she wasn’t going to be in the wedding (or invited) I called him and without giving details let him know that she wasn’t going to be there and he was really excited and said he couldn’t wait to come.
So you all know what’s coming now. She wrote me a letter (a real one – not the e-kind) and totally apologized for everything, and I am so relieved because this is the last thing I wanted to happen anyway. She’s no longer going to be in the wedding, that’s clear, but now what do I do about inviting her??? It would be really awful to ambush her ex like that after I told him she wouldn’t be there. Not to mention she will be 6+ months pregnant by then and I don’t think she’s told him that yet. (ouch) That bit isn’t my problem, but how do I handle this VERY delicate situation?
HELP!! (Thanks in advance girls – I know this is a doozy!!)
Post # 3
Maybe you could tell her that, after you had your falling out, you invited her ex. See what she says. Perhaps she will understand and not want to come to your wedding. After that, I am not sure what you should do, but talking to her about it is probably the first step.
Post # 4
Well, I think I would let the friend know that you had invited the soon-to-be ex husband to the wedding, and that she’s more than welcome to come as well, IF she is comfortable with it, and makes it a comfortable situation. Leave it up to her. If she thinks its too awkward, she’ll back out on her own. If she doesn’t fix things or talk to him or at least tell him she’s pregnant, I would tell him that she’s coming, fill him in, and leave the decision to him.
At least this way, both parties have the opportunity to make the hard decision, with full knowledge of what’s going on.
Post # 5
i would just let both of them know that the other could potentially be there and let the two of them make their own decision whether to come or not. I would not, however, mention her pregnancy to him – that’s her business to tell him or not to tell him. Its definitely tricky, but really, it is their drama and it just stinks that your wedding has sort of become the stage for the drama to unfold. Good luck!
Post # 6
Yikes, sticky situation. First off, she needs to know you guys invited her soon to be ex husband because of the situation that arose. I think you need to talk with Fiance and figure out if she is someone who you both truly want at the wedding. Are you closer with her or her ex-husband? If you decide you would consider having her there, you need to call her ex and explain to him that the situation has changed, and though she wont be in the wedding, she will (might be) attending to see how he feels. Definitely dont ambush him without some notice. Im not saying tehy should dictate the guest list, but at least give a heads-up.
On another note, is the baby his? If it is and she hasnt told him, that could cause a scene and another ambush, you dont want that. Conversely, if it ISNT his, well, that wont go over well either…
Post # 7
I agree with Miss Olive. Talk to her first. or if you feel like you prefer her there then theres no need to talk to her. tell him about your situation.
Post # 8
It’s a hot mess. No, the baby isn’t his. It belongs to the guy she cheated on him with (hence EX husband).
I am really close with both of them, but she was (is?) my Best Friends… and just for the record, they were both invited originally but he bowed out because he knew she was in the wedding party. All of our friends are on his side though, and so is Fiance – he hasn’t been a big fan of hers for a long time.
As for the baby business, I’m staying out of it. It’s up to her to tell him.
Post # 9
Yikes, that is a hot mess. Its totally up to her to bring up the baby thing – dont go there (like you said.) You and Fiance need to discuss whether or not you truly want her there. Or, reach out to her ex, tell him that she has reconnected, and see what he has to say. Id like to tell you what Id do in this case, but I honestly would have to think long and hard about it.
Post # 10
I realize that she is a “best friend” but it sounds like if you invited her now, you’d be choosing her side. And clearly she was in the wrong! (I can’t conceive of a scenario where it was ok for her to cheat on her husband, get knocked up, not tell him, and she’s on the side of righteousness or justice!) If I were a guest and I knew the whole situation, I think it would be in poor taste to extend an invite to her since you’ve ALREADY invited her ex. On top of that, your Fiance doesn’t like her (I can see why) so his feelings in all this should also be considered. Finally, all of your mutual friends will probably not want anything to do with her at the wedding, so it will be all around awkward for her anyway. I would just accept her apology, and explain to her that unfortunately you still can’t invite her to the wedding. If she is REALLY your friend, she should understand EXACTLY why.
Post # 11
I think MightySapphire summed it up perfectly.
Post # 12
Woah. That’s a soap opera plot line. Jeez louise. So here’s my thoughts, take em or leave em. If she comes, is this going to become a spectacle? Is there going to be whispering “Oh there’s ____ and look how preggers she is. Did you hear what happened….”. Is her drama going to steal your thunder or ruin the magic of your day in any way? Are you going to be distracted trying to make sure she’s okay, her ex is okay, or are worried if any of your other guests are feeling awkward?(In my case, my stepson’s mom is coming to the ceremony (she’s excited to see him go down the aisle and invited herself) but at this point is not invited to the reception for precisely this reason as none of my family or friends have never met her.)
I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about what happened after you two had your falling out. I think you also need to let her ex know that she’s apologized to you and you two are trying to work out your friendship and there’s a possibility she may be at the wedding. It’s going to be hard not to be seen as “taking sides” in this one.
Post # 13
I have to agree with MightySapphire. It’s great that she apologized, but I don’t think she needs to be invited. If you feel the need to explain, then just tell her that you’ve already invited her ex, that it’s important to your Fiance that he be there, and you hope she understands that it would just be too awkward and you’d prefer to avoid that sort of difficulty on your wedding day. If she’s a really good friend, she’ll understand. I know you said she’s one of your best friends, but I’m not sure how you can take her side on this one–I don’t think it’s worth alienating your other friends and possibly upsetting your Fiance, especially since I’m not sure how she can justify her behavior at all. Good luck!
Post # 14
Thanks for the advice all. MightySapphire, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. None of my friends really want anything to do with her. They are team ex-hubs all the way, and a lot of them used to be roommates with him, so they will always stand by him. And you’re right – she was 100% wrong in this. So I’ll just have to bite the bullet and tell her she can’t come. I hope she gets it. :-/