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I mailed out my wedding invitations a while ago and included registry cards IN the invitations! (OMG!). I did this because i had NO clue i was not supposed to. in fact, i thought i was supposed to because every invite i have ever received had registry cards and i always thought it was normal and helpful and i might have been confused without it. Or i might have given cash thinking there was no registry - it NEVER would cross my mind to call someone in the family or bridal party to ask where the couple was registered! hearing that part of etiquette was weird to me! Oops, i take that back, ONE wedding i went to had the registry card in the bridal shower invite and i was SO confused, i ended up saving it, buying something NOT on the registry for the shower and using the registry for the wedding gift (and i remember sitting there so baffled as to why the registry card was with the bridal shower invite and not saved for the wedding invite!).
BUT after i sent my invites, i suddenly started hearing on weddingbee, followed by research online, that it is considered RUDE and TACKY to do what i did! i freaked out because i thought all my guests would judge me.
so i asked a several friends what they thought and even apologized for what i did! they ALL looked at me like i was crazy. they ALL said "how else are we supposed to know what to get?" my replies online to this was "maybe its a regional thing"
BUT, here is the latest addition. i moved a few months ago to a completely new region (like east to west), and gave invitations to my co-workers that i have gotten close to in the last few months. OF COURSE i did NOT put registry cards! prior to this i had told one co-worker about what i had done to get their opinion and so that co-worker asked me if i put the cards in their invitations. i said "are you crazy, i learned my lesson last time!" then they ALL looked at me dumbfounded and started saying how invites always come with registry cards and how else are we supposed to know what to get you!!!
anyway, for the second time i feel MUCH better and am much less worried about having including my registry cards in the first set of invitations i sent out!
In sum this is what i have found:
- Online and in etiquette books, it says: Do not include registry cards with your invitations, it is tacky and rude!.
- In real-life: People expect and appreciate them.
thought brides who were on the fence about what to do (or feeling bad about what they did, like i was) would benefit from this story.
We didn't put them in ours, but most invitations I have gotten have had the cards enclosed. It doesn't bother me one way or the other. It is super easy to find someone's registry if they don't, but it is easy to have it right in front of you too!
That has to be a regional thing because receiving registry cards in the actual wedding invitation is considered pretty tacky where I’m from. We only include registry info on the bridal shower invite and that’s it. No mention of a registry is listed anywhere on the actual wedding invitation and I think that’s mainly because couples want to receive cash and guests want to give cash. Infact, the only wedding that I have attended in recent memory that even got an actual gift (other than monetary ones) was my FBIL’s wedding and that’s only because my FSIL’s grandmother made them something.
That’s good that you received positive feedback for yours though. I definitely would not have heard the same thing from our guests.
The ettiquette police will soon be checking in to say that etiquette is not regional, but anyone reading the bee over a period of time can't help but notice that there are regional variations in what is considered acceptable or even the norm.
I've been invited to weddings in Washington state, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Canada, South Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, and DC, and I've never seen registry information in a wedding invitation.
I've lived all over & don't think anyone would care whether it was included or not - so don't worry! It wouldn't bother me one bit & I think if someone actually said something to you, that says more about THAT person than you! :)
In real-life: People expect and appreciate them.
Not me. I'm honored and charmed to be invited to someone's wedding. I am not honored or charmed to receive an invoice with a shopping list not so cleverly disguised as a wedding invitation.
That a lot of people are ignorant of good etiquette doesn't make bad manners acceptable or admirable and registries have gotten so out of control people have completely lost site of the idea behind gift giving. How are you supposed to know what to get? If you know a couple well enough to be invited to their wedding then you should know them well enough to be able to select a gift for them. Oh, it wasn't something they specifically picked out? Horrors!
I had a small registry that I didn't advertise and guess what? People who wanted to know if I had one had the enough sense to ASK either me, my future in laws or someone in my wedding party or they just found it themselves. Some people didn't ask and got us lovely gifts they selected themselves. All were wonderful and appreciated.
We are not snobby people and it's only considered tacky in the wedding world. No one in real life follows wedding etiquette rules. I've been going to weddings since I was 16 and a registry card has always been included in the invite.
Some etiquette rules just need to get buried with Emily Post. Guess what? I'm putting them in mine and my family and friends will not hold their noses up at it because we are not those kind of people. No use in pretending to be all high society when we are not. Times are changing and the old rules are being replaced with better ones IMO.
The ettiquette police will soon be checking in to say that etiquette is not regional, but anyone reading the bee over a period of time can't help but notice that there are regional variations in what is considered acceptable or even the norm.
Good etiquette isn't regional. Just because something is common doesn't make it polite or less vulgar and including a request for gifts in your wedding invitations is both rude and horribly vulgar regardless of where you live.
Hell, the etiquette police say dollar dances are tacky and rude when in fact it originated in Poland. I was engaged to a Polish man at one point and his mother was actually going to make me a coin purse for the dollar dance. Some brides heads would explode on this website because they think dollar dances are tacky and rude when other cultures and other people think it's fine. So, I say if you know your family and friends and you know they won't care if you put a registry card in your invite, then do it. If it's social suicide in your circle, then don't do it.
FYI: the purpose of my post was NOT to debate whether or not they are tacky.....i think there has been plenty of threads like that already!
my post was intended to share what MY experience has been as i thought it might be helpful or comforting to other brides who have included or plan to include registry cards in their invites!
Miss Tattoo said it "Times are changing and the old rules are being replaced..."
According to Emily Post "a lady must never sit on a gentleman’s left; because according to European etiquette, a lady “on the left” is not a “lady.”
Emily never envisioned the day that women would be driving their own cars, or chairing board meetings. Etiquette does change with the times and varies regionally.
Dollar dances are rude and tacky too. Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating - not shaking down your guests for gifts and cash and that has nothing to do with being snobby or old fashioned - it has everything to do with being gracious, polite and dignified.
I agree with Lisa105 completely. This is not hard. Yes, you can do it. No, you should not do it. If your "circle" is ok with it then they either don't know, don't care or love you enough to overlook it.
The end!
I dont think its as much as regional as it is "people"
I have lived in TWO different areas...actually lets make that three...and the people I am friends (and family) with are relieved to see it. They want to know where we registered, they dont want to be running around looking for info.
BUT with that said..i do like the info as well but i always feel a little "twang" of something when i registry card falls out of the envelope.
In very small print i put where we were registered and I heard nothing about it...I think our only complaint was that we registered at ONE place *laugh* and not enough stuff was asked for...*sigh*
Etiquette police wiill jump down your throat about this post...but i believe its a person to person thing not a regional thing...
Im glad you have sensible friends and family though (like mine) that were happy to have the information on hand and not working part time for the etiquette police :)
@julies1949: Etiquette does evolve but the overriding principles of courtesy and graciousness do not.
Is it really that hard to understand why its rude to ask your guests for gifts or make it plain you expect them?
@lisa105 Putting your registry info isnt saying they expect gifts. I think most guests expect that when they say yes to an invite they are going to get the couple a gift so its nice just to have the info there
"@lisa105 Putting your registry info isnt saying they expect gifts."
???
Of course that's what its saying! Finding registry info is not at all hard. A couple is not being at all thoughtful of their guests by providing their shopping list unasked for - they're being self-serving and rude.
Purpleunicorn, I appreciate this. I have been debating whether or not to put the registry cards in my invites, because my super duper old school Irish grandmother said no way. This was conflicting with my mother's opinion, which was 'If you don't put them in there, most people will either not know what to get you, or won't get anything at all'.
Obviously i'm not inviting my friends and family to my wedding with my hand out, but it is never considered taboo to register. So why not just let people know where, so they're not confused? They don't HAVE to get us anything.
Also, when I got engaged, within two weeks (YES! Two weeks!) people were calling me asking me where I was registered. FI and I hadn't even thought of it yet.
So you know what, I really appreciate your post with your personal experience with this!!
"Also, when I got engaged, within two weeks (YES! Two weeks!) people were calling me asking me where I was registered."
Well, there you go - if people want to know, they'll ask. Putting registry info in your invites is having your hand out.
@lisa05 I knew people were going to get me gifts one way or the other...thats what happens at weddings. So when i put the info there it wasnt to say "buy me gifts now, from here" it was helping those that i knew would be getting gifts, cause thats what wedding guests usually do. That info was also in there and some people (well only two) chose NOT to get us a gifts....meaning just cause the info is there im not stating.."better get me a gift" obviously some people read it and others didnt.
EDIT: People called me to all the time asking where i was registered and it was freakin annoying...just read the damn invite!
I have only every recevied one wedding invitation with it in it, and people were talking about it (not in a good way), but this one wedding was also in a different location. I think it depends on the your circle of friends and family as well as region of the country.
The way around it is to put your wedding website on it and the registry on that.
@Baileyh: I love the idea of writing where you're registered in small print, so at least it's out there, and I don't have my guests getting that 'thwang' when the card falls out :)
Yes, its customary for guests to give gifts at weddings but its not mandatory. And while putting registry information in your invitations does not guarantee you will get a gift, it absolutely makes it clear you expect one and that's rude.
@napabridekelsey Thanks :) WE made it tiny, and we had three pages for our invitation and it was at the back :) I thought it was a good balance bw having a card falling out or not telling anyone (like its some secret...yeesh)
@lisa105: lol I'm glad you just called a whole culture rude and tacky. Good job.
Anyway, maybe because I'm not traditional and trying to win the offbeat bride of the year award (There is no such thing. I just made it up) that I put a middle finger up to Emily Post and her rules.
I'm not having letter pressed invites on some french kind of paper! OMG the horror! But wedding etiquette says it MUST be letter pressed! If not, it's just rude and tacky.
@lisa105: I dare you to reply to ONE thread without threadjacking for your own personal soapbox or being generally rude, argumentative, and condescending. Frankly I know I'm not the only one getting sick of your CONSTANT badgering of our members since almost EVERY thread you post gets flagged at least once.
Figure out how to play nice.
@lisa105
You really need to stop saying its rude. Thats your personal opinion and you keep saying that which means you are calling a ton of brides rude. The OP was just commenting that she had a pleasant experience by putting her registry info in her invite, i did as well...i dont think anyone here wanted to be belated about how they are RUDE.
"Thats your personal opinion"
No, its just good manners which are not subject to personal opinion or geography.
@lais105 What would you know about manners you are AWFUL on these boards!!!!!!!
FWIW I really appreciate it when people include a registry card in their invites. It makes it so much easier, and gets rid of the hassle of trying to contact somebody who knows where they are registered.
I didn't include my registry info in my wedding invites and I wish I did because it was such a headache having people complain about not doing that, and having people call to find out where we were registered.
I've received plenty of invitations both with and without cards. And I'll join in the camp that it's pretty helpful to get one, you won't have to bother the bride-to-be and ask!
And personally I think it's rude to ouright call anything tacky - it's an individual's choice and that's it. Man, the wedding industry has really warped some people's brains. To each her own.
Why? Because I don't tell people what they want to hear? Some bridal couples think anything they do in the name of their wedding is fine and acceptable. Most of the rest of the world won't agree or find their greed or disregard for their guests comfort charming.
Man, the wedding industry has really warped some people's brains.
Agreed. Its the wedding industry that pushes most of the rude ideas - like registry cards.
I don't like the idea of registry info in the invite itself, but I was thinking about putting it on the wedding website. Is this considered tacky too?
@lisa105 To each their own! Why dont you get it? The OP sent out registry info and people loved it, i did as well and from what it seems other posters too AND some posters have written that they LOVED getting the info..so why are you batteling this and trying to make us all realize we are "rude" "greedy" and have "no disregard" for our guests....
The only person i see here being rude and have no regard for other people is you.
Also, obviously you dont agree with registry cards and you probably run in a circle of friends and family who think the same way as you, so they would think its rude to get the info.
MY friends and family found it helpful...as did the OP
I agree that registry info is great to have. And I don't know how it's 'simple' to find that info if there is no information in the invitiation - do you just start with the Fortunoff website and work your way over to Macys, and then if it's not there try Bed Bath and Beyond and spend all day checking every store you can think of? No, it's only simple if you have the information first.
Honestly, I was invited to a friends wedding and if they hadn't given me a registry card in the invite I would have had to ask her where she registered, which I find to be uncomfortable. I don't know her parents or family and we don't share mutual friends, so really, besides walking up to her and asking (which, ironically, I find to be tacky) I wouldn't have the opportunity to get her anything.
People do put registry cards in bridal shower invites around here and it says 'Male and Female are registered at' so you know its for the wedding. But not everyone is invited to the shower. I think not having a registry card makes it seem like you just want people to give you money, which I find presumptious. Just my opinion.
@NotFridaythe13th: From what I've read, the etiquette police actually suggest that you give a link to your website in the invites, which leads guests to the registry info. It's what I plan on doing. :)
@lisa105: I find it ironic that you are a self-proclaimed etiquette expert, yet you couldn't figure out the etiquette on this website (or you don't know web etiquette for ANY website actually).
There are threads seeking discussion. This one wasn't. You threadjack EVERY THREAD. Seriously. It's attention seeking at its worst and SAD.
@lisa105: Didn't you just call Sarah Palin a whore? I'm pretty sure Emily Post would smack you for that. You can't pick and choose what etiquette you are going to follow. ^_^
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