Post # 1
Going anon for this one. Thanks in advance for reading this rant. I’m totally lost right now. Fiancé and I have been together for 5 years now, engaged just over a year. He has lived with me in my house since we got engaged. We have never had a major fight and this is the first time I’ve even thought about not being with him. Long story short, he kept some major financial info from me as I proceeded to move forward and plan our wedding. Dates have been picked, deposits have been made, and family has been notified. Ultimately there is no money on his end right now. I’d check in with him just about monthly to ask how his wedding savings budget was going and he never admitted that it was non existent Because he has been living beyond his means. Instead he would gradually inflate the amount, and I never questioned it further.
I’ve debated even posting this for days now. I’m still in shock and numb about it all. to make it all worse, I’ve had my dress for months now and just stare at it empty. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
@LeeBee2014: Don’t marry a man you can’t trust. It’s very possible this isn’t the only big lie he’s told you. He must have known this was going to come to light sooner or later So, what was his plan?
If you overlook and forgive this I think it’s more than likely you will just be buying yourself more lies down the road.
Maybe it’s time to tell him to move out. maybe tell him once he’s demonstrated that he can get his shit together and keep it together, to give you a call.
Post # 4
@LeeBee2014: i would not want to marry someone lying to me about money
Post # 5
@Zhabeego: +++ 1,000
That is a HUGE lie to keep from you. Do NOT marry this man. Maybe, maaaaybe if after he moves out and PROVES he’s got his shit together you guys can give it another go. But that’s just too scary.
Post # 6
@LeeBee2014: I’m sure there is a lot of shame associated with men and not having enough money to support and give their partner / wife everything they want. I am female and I know just how ashamed I was admitting my debt to my FI when I knew he had quite a lot of money saved and was (and still is!) in a much better financial position as me.
Over time I became not so ashamed in telling him and told him openly the amount I owe when we started talking about a loan for a house. Ever since then he sees all my balances whenever I open internet banking beside him.
You have a good partner whom which this is your first big issue – don’t give up yet. See it from his point of view as well. I’m not sure how blantant the lies have been and I’m sorry you are in this situation so I’m sure its time for a big talk and the “when were you going to tell me about this?!” question from your end!! How long did he think he was going to get away with this for?!
Post # 7
+Zhabeego Sorry OP but you may need to step back a bit. Money is a crucial area to get along in and the lying is very serious. The only reason I am not giving you a blanket “dont marry him” is because I have no idea on other aspects of your relationship – this is not a great personal indicator for him though.
Post # 8
he says that he didn’t know. Here is the kicker, his mom had managed all his finances and bills ( we are in our 30’s). So when I would ask him how his savings were going, he says he would ask her and that she would tell him the ( inflated) numbers, knowing damn well that it wasn’t true, knowing damn well that we were planning a wedding and signing contracts and making hefty deposits. I feel disrespected and hurt. And it’s not even about the money. I make enough money to support myself and own my own house which I have had for Several years. And to be honest I haven’t been able to save up enough on my end because all my money goes towards mortgage, insurance, property taxes and bills. I’ve been very open and upfront about my debt and whatnot. And we have talked about having enough saved up in case of emergencies. I had always thought his mom liked me, but after this, its clear she doesn’t. To her, I’m now the bitch that has caused a rift between them. He has said she is over bearing and I now see the extent of it.
he has since opened up a different banking account and is now managing his money. It’s been a couple months now and I’m still hurt. I can’t get over the fact that I’m clearly going to have to postpone the wedding. My dress just came in and I can’t even look at it because honestly I don’t even know when I’ll get to wear it. I sucked it up and made it through the holidays but now I’m a emotional mess. I don’t have anyone I can even talk to because I don’t want my friends judging him or myself.
Prior to this our relationship was great. He is loving, caring, attentive, and is always doing sweet things for me and always thinking of us. he planned a magical surprise engagement and gave me a gorgeous ring. I don’t know where to go from here.
Post # 9
@LeeBee2014: I see the problem with his mother lying about his finances as a lame excuse for his lack of personal responsibility. (And let’s be real, a man in his 30s who has he mother controlling his finances should have been a major red flag a long time ago. But it’s done and in the past now.) He needs to take control of his money IMMEDIATELY if he hasn’t done so already. It’s not about whether she likes you or not, all that matters is she set her ADULT son up for failure and if you’re going to move forward with him, he needs to draw some boundaries.
Forget about saving for the edding for a minute, what about your LIFE together? Has he contributed to the home at all over the last year? Was this going to change after marriage? Has he saved money for other purposes?
Post # 10
[content moderated for trolling]
Post # 11
@LeeBee2014: I guess I just don’t understand why a grown man allowed his mother to manage his money for him? If he lives with you, is he paying for his share of the bills – rent, utilities, groceries, etc? If not, why not?
Are you confident he’s telling you the truth that he didn’t know and that this is all his mother’s doing?
Im not saying your guy is a bad guy – but, if he allowed his mother to manage his money and you to give him a place to live – why? Why isn’t he managing his own life and responsibilities? Maybe he has some growing up to do?
If he’s not used to responsibility, or is accustomed to others taking care of him, that’s a real concern.
Post # 12
in your 30’s, there is no way in the world your parents should be managing your finances.
Post # 13
Run. There was a Bee on here who found out her FI was lying through his teeth about finances before the wedding – she moved forward with it because deposits were put down and she thought he could change. He didn’t, and her subsequent posts revolved around being married to a broke man who couldn’t stop spending. It was obviously a very sad and stressful time for her – don’t marry a man who lies about money like that.
Post # 14
@LeeBee2014: thinking of you.
Post # 15
Yes, the gives me “rent”money. He also does all the grocery shopping and cooks most of the meals since I dont cook too good.
I honestly had no idea she was involved in his money until this all came about. I had no idea that she managed it all. he says he didnt tell me because he was ashamed. he is an only child.
Post # 16
I feel less like it is a problem after you just expanded so much — ie I would be a little more prone to forgicing him. But just watch him a bit if he is re learning how to manage his own money. Can your parents help get the wedding done on time?