A rock and a hard place

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@LeeBee2014:  Don’t marry a man you can’t trust. It’s very possible this isn’t the only big lie he’s told you.  He must have known this was going to come to light sooner or later So, what was his plan?

If you overlook and forgive this I think it’s more than likely you will just be buying yourself more lies down the road.

Maybe it’s time to tell him to move out. maybe tell him once he’s demonstrated that he can get his shit together and keep it together, to give you a call. 

Post # 4
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LeeBee2014:  i would not want to marry someone lying to me about money

Post # 5
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee

@Zhabeego:  +++ 1,000

That is a HUGE lie to keep from you. Do NOT marry this man. Maybe, maaaaybe if after he moves out and PROVES he’s got his shit together you guys can give it another go. But that’s just too scary.

Post # 6
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LeeBee2014:  I’m sure there is a lot of shame associated with men and not having enough money to support and give their partner / wife everything they want.  I am female and I know just how ashamed I was admitting my debt to my FI when I knew he had quite a lot of money saved and was (and still is!) in a much better financial position as me.  

 

Over time I became not so ashamed in telling him and told him openly the amount I owe when we started talking about a loan for a house.  Ever since then he sees all my balances whenever I open internet banking beside him.

 

You have a good partner whom which this is your first big issue – don’t give up yet.  See it from his point of view as well.  I’m not sure how blantant the lies have been and I’m sorry you are in this situation so I’m sure its time for a big talk and the “when were you going to tell me about this?!” question from your end!!  How long did he think he was going to get away with this for?!

 

Post # 7
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

+Zhabeego Sorry OP but you may need to step back a bit. Money is a crucial area to get along in and the lying is very serious. The only reason I am not giving you a blanket “dont marry him” is because I have no idea on other aspects of your relationship – this is not a great personal indicator for him though. 

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LeeBee2014:  I see the problem with his mother lying about his finances as a lame excuse for his lack of personal responsibility. (And let’s be real, a man in his 30s who has he mother controlling his finances should have been a major red flag a long time ago. But it’s done and in the past now.) He needs to take control of his money IMMEDIATELY if he hasn’t done so already. It’s not about whether she likes you or not, all that matters is she set her ADULT son up for failure and if you’re going to move forward with him, he needs to draw some boundaries.

Forget about saving for the edding for a minute, what about your LIFE together? Has he contributed to the home at all over the last year? Was this going to change after marriage? Has he saved money for other purposes? 

Post # 10
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

[content moderated for trolling]

Post # 11
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@LeeBee2014:  I guess I just don’t understand why a grown man allowed his mother to manage his money for him? If he lives with you, is he paying for his share of the bills – rent, utilities, groceries, etc? If not, why not?

 

Are you confident he’s telling you the truth that he didn’t know and that this is all his mother’s doing? 

 

Im not saying your guy is a bad guy – but, if he allowed his mother to manage his money and you to give him a place to live – why? Why isn’t he managing his own life and responsibilities? Maybe he has some growing up to do? 

If he’s not used to responsibility, or is accustomed to others taking care of him, that’s a real concern.

Post # 12
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

in your 30’s, there is no way in the world your parents should be managing your finances.

Post # 13
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Run.  There was a Bee on here who found out her FI was lying through his teeth about finances before the wedding – she moved forward with it because deposits were put down and she thought he could change.  He didn’t, and her subsequent posts revolved around being married to a broke man who couldn’t stop spending.  It was obviously a very sad and stressful time for her – don’t marry a man who lies about money like that.  

Post # 16
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

I feel less like it is a problem after you just expanded so much — ie I would be a little more prone to forgicing him. But just watch him a bit if he is re learning how to manage his own money. Can your parents help get the wedding done on time?

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