(Closed) A sense of loss after the proposal

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m still waiting for the actual proposal, so we’ll see how i react to it. I do know what you mean about sometimes having counterintuitive emotional reactions to things, exploring them, and (if i understood your situation correctly) realizing they are not actually indicating that anything is wrong, they were just not what you expected you’d feel.

I didn’t think I would know this much about how he has the ring and how and when he’s probably planning to propose and i would have thought that would have “spoiled it” for both of us. However, i don’t find it’s “spoiling it” at all so far. He doesn’t seem too down on us for “ruining our own surprise” and I’m perfectly happy about it. I’m actually sort of using wedding bee right now to tease myself into anticipating the proposal even more. After all, i dont know everything about his plans… Heck its not even 100% guaranteed that it will happen (only 99.99999999%, lol). If i had no idea it was coming, well, there would be no anticipatory buildup, would there? So this is like proposal foreplay 😉

I hope his and my emotional reactions after the proposal continue to be good, but if not, I’m sure we’ll sort it out and grow from it, just as it sounds you’ve done.

Post # 4
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Reactions are sure to be different from different people but…

When my bf and i started talking about marriage, we both got excited with the thought of being together until we grow old. When he proposed, it was                                                                        a very very happy moment for both of us. I cant stop smiling. He cant stop smiling. Now 8 months into the wedding planning and we’re both so excited for that day we’d finally be husband and wife.

I think if you love someone so much, you cant wait to spend the rest of your life with him.

..but that could be just me.        

Post # 5
3082 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I can see your point. after my fiancé proposed I was so excited and I was excited for like 3 weeks after the fact. But I still live at home with my parents and now we are talking about buying a house and I’m really sad to leave home. I know we all have to leave sometime, and by the time I move out I will be almost 28 but that’s what I’m more nervous about, since I never ever lived away from home for a long extended period of time. 


Im excited to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé but nervous to become a “real” adult. 

Post # 6
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think I know where you’re coming from.  While I call him my Fiance because we have started the planning process, I don’t have a ring (and we’ve decided he is getting a ring for me and we are doing a proposal).  Honestly, it’s kind of fun “waiting.”  I know most bees don’t feel that way, but I like it.  I like us teasing each other – sometimes, he’ll say something like, “I hope your nails are done this weekend” or something and it will get my hopes up just a bit and then it doesn’t come and I’m ok with that.  Sometimes I’ll go around singing, “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it..” lol and we tease each other.  I think it’s the comfort of knowing that it’s going to come and when it comes it will be the right time for us.  I’m not in any rush.  I’m 28 and that was much older than I wanted to be when I was 16 and planning my life out, but I’m not 16 anymore and you can’t plan everything in life.  I’m enjoying this time in my life right now. 

However, there was a moment or two where I thought about how I’d feel if he actually did propose and I realized, it would be the end of something and it made me sad.  I’m not sure what would end.  I tried to sort through the feelings, but it was fleeting.  Honestly, I feel like I missed out on a lot of things in life – I never got to live on my own (I’m still living with him and my parents), I never got to go away for college, I never just dated around a lot of different guys just to date, they almost always ended up being serious long term relationships, I never got to just be single and free.  It’s weird, because I don’t feel restricted in the relationship or suffocated.  I go out with just girls if I want to and the truth is that the reason why I don’t is because ALL my friends are in relationships (they’re all engaged, married or have long term relationships and are getting to the engaged part) except for like 1 or 2 and those are the girls I go out with alone.  But, sometimes I miss girls nights.  And I had my clubbing days, but IDK, there’s something that I feel like I missed out on. It’s definitely too late to turn back now and I just have to keep reminding myself that what’s to come is better than what I missed out on. 

Is that sort of like what you’re feeling?  Because you compared the feelings after being proposed to the loss and mourning you felt over your dog (which, I’m sorry for your loss, I’m sure that was very difficult for you *hug*).  I think that’s how I felt for a moment and how I feel sometimes when I think about it – like I’ve lost something because I’ve missed out on some part of life. 

Well, at least we know we’re not alone.  *hug*

ETA:  I did want to add that I do get very excited when I think about our future together.  We’re moving from NY to SC in about 6 weeks and I’m excited to embark on the next stage of our relationship.  I’m excited to finally be living on our own and I’m excited to live in a new place and I’m excited to possibly go solo (lawyer) or find a job that suits me down there and start anew.  I think that once we do that, I’ll stop feeling like I missed out on something in life. 

Post # 7
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think your feelings are normal for a lot of people. Fiance and I have been dating since we were sixteen and a few weeks after he proposed I just started crying out of nowhere. It hit me that we would never be children again, and that we would never be boyfriend and girlfriend again. It was very weird. We also are not living together until marriage, and there is a mentally challenged person who lives behind me and always sings and plays the guitar. I realized I would never hear him sing again, or wake up to my little sisters being too loud after we moved in together.

I do not believe these feelings mean we do not love our FI’s. I cannot wait to be his wife, and live together, but that doesn’t mean I can’t mourn for the life we had as well.

Post # 8
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Maybe your reaction had something to do with mourning your dog.

I know i would have been feeling the same as you did if i had to put my dog to sleep and then being proposed, even thought i DO want to spend my whole life with my Darling Husband.

Both things where a very important events in your life.

I say you should wait a bit to see if that feeling fades. If after a month the feeling it’s still there… then there’s something going on.

Post # 10
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you’re right, a lot of people do go through something like this.  My fiance & I have been together 9 years & have lived together for 8 so we are really open with one another.  We were both excited right after the engagement, but were able to talk about both feeling weird for a few days after.  Now we’re both excited and enjoying the planning.

But I think some of the other ladies here are right.  There is a significant shift in our lives once we realize we’re getting married & it’s something we don’t expect.  I can think of a few times in my life where I have felt sad or scared moving into a new place in my life.  Like starting a new job, or making a big purchase like a car or house.  I think it can be really scarry to think about the huge commitment that marriage is.  All I can really say is try not to let that be the thing that weighs on your mind.  And if you can’t stop thinking about it, maybe it is time to re-asess.  But I really hope that this feeling goes away & you can just enjoy the engagement!

Post # 11
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I cried, cried and cried… Then sobbed for about 2 weeks after getting engaged. And I know I’m happy! For me, it’s a new identity. Saying good bye to the former me and hello to someone’s wife. 


Hugs. Big hugs. 

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