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Ok, I have to preface this with an apology for my ignorance...I in no way mean to offend anyone, and it is just a question I had no where else to ask, so thought maybe the Bee community could help.
I had an odd conversation with a girl I train with at the gym, I will call her D. I can be pretty dense sometimes, and often don't even consider that someones opinions could differ from my own.
So there were 3 of us chatting, and somehow being gay came up. D made a couple comments and one particularily shocked me. Her statements seemed to imply that being gay was a choice...I have always just beleived that gay was just how someone is. They can choose what to do with their desires, but I've never thought sexual orientation was a choice...Am I wrong? Did any of you CHOOSE to be gay? Could you "choose" not to be gay if you wanted to?
You're right. "Choosing" to be gay is a MYTH that has been paraded around by anti-gay advocates for decades. Often they try to purport that you can "cure" gayness through a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ". It's complete crap.
Medical science has demonstrated that being gay/straight/etc. has a genetic component. And any GLBT person out there will tell you that they did not "choose" to be attracted to someone of the same sex, especially since doing so does nothing but garner hatred towards them.
@Jenniphyr: Thanks for your reply, I have actually been sweating it out waiting for someone to reply...I know this could become a crazy topic, I was just really, truthfully shocked by her comment, and it caught me off guard enough I needed to ask the question. It had just never occured to me that it could be a choice.
With all of the terrible things that the LGBTQ community has to endure, why would anyone CHOOSE it? I didn't choose to be straight. I just happen to be attracted to the opposite sex.
as a side note, why would anyone choose to be gay??
i mean a life of discrimination, being judged and having to fight for the basic rights that are given freely to murders and scum of the earth doesnt sound like an easy "choice" to make with your life
I am heterosexual, however, I believe that you don't choose who you are attracted to, you choose who you have relationships with.
That applies to any sexuality. So no, you don't choose to be gay, but you can choose what sexuality you identify as.
I was taught that it was not a choice (I say taught because I studied it in my Psyc Undergrad.) Like PP said, it's something that non-LGBT people like to say to make it seem that way. I do think experimentation is a choice, but that isn't what I think "D" was saying at all. I also called and asked my step-brother (I read him your question; he's in a committed same-sex relationship) and he said for sure not a choice.
@Take The Reins: Think of it this way: Did you choose to be attracted to men (I'm assuming you're a woman and you are straight)? Your answer is probably no. You just are. It's the same thing.
@Take The Reins: Having multiple friends and family members who are gay, I've heard the "it's a choice" theory multiple times. In every single situation, the person saying it was in some way a homophobe. I'm not saying that everyone with that theory is, but in my experience it seems about right.
I always thought it was biological too. However, there was a bit of an uproar when just last week, Cynthia Nixon (one of the SATC ladies) said she chose to be gay. It's been a bit of a roller coaster in the LGBT community, lots of different opinions.
It's interesting to see this discussion now after reading this opinion article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/opinion/sunday/bruni-gay-wont-go-away-genetic-or-not.html
It's an interesting argument--so what if it *is* a choice for some people? I am not denying the genetic component, but there does seem to be a judgement by some that it's OK if it's biological but not OK if it's a choice, and that logic doesn't fly with me.
Edited to add: Oops, PP beat me to it!
As a bisexual woman, I'd like to weigh in here.
Our sexual orientation is not a choice. We may think we 'choose' who we are attracted to, but that is determined by so many things. As I hit puberty I found myself attracted to both girls and boys. My attraction was based on their personality, looks, etc.
I didn't really know about lesbians until my late teens (it was the '90's, gay men were much more visible in Pop culture). I realized I was bi at 22, and acted on it as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
I still continued to have long term relationships with men, I couldn't seem to find a woman who wanted more than just a one night stand with me.
When I met my current FI, everything changed. I decided to leave my common-law husband because I wanted to be with HER, not because I wanted to be in a lesbian relationship. I still dont' identify as a lesbian, because I'm still attracted to some men, and if for some reason our relationship ends, I cannot say for sure that I wouldn't have a future relationship with a man.
However, I am happier than I've ever been and finally with her I know what true companionship feels like. I am so excited to get married and start a family- things that terrified me before. Did I choose to be gay? no. I chose to be with HER.
@bRooklynRocks: well yes, bi-curious women can CHOOSE to experiement. I know all about that, first hand. ;)
@eloping: just for future reference, I think that some people in the gay community might be offended by your question.
@bRooklynRocks: I suspect that she is either bisexual, or actually was gay all along & was "in the closet" at first and didn't realize it. Though I do agree with @Frog E. that it shouldn't matter whether people "choose" to be gay or not, I also feel that the bulk of the evidence (outside of this anecdote) indicates that it is genetically-linked.
(Not trying to get into a battle, here, but just saying that I am disinclined to believe one of the Sex and the City cast members over peer-reviewed medical journals.)
@mtnhoney: I'm in the same boat. I'm bisexual, so in a way I'm "choosing" to be gay by marrying my future wife, but I don't believe that's true for lesbians or gay men.
Is there any process involved in sexuality? like does it take time to figure things out for yourselves. or is it all cut and dry. Your "born that way" and you know it from day one?
I would say there is choice involved but not how the anti-gay community uses the term.
@mtnhoney: Thank you. You just said what I was trying to get out 1000x better than I did. : )
Thanks all, I know this is a hot topic. To make it clear, I do not think it's a choice. FI's brother is gay, as is my wedding planner (female) and I know (from comments they have made) neither of them would voluntarily "choose" it IF that was an option, though they are both very happy in their relationships, and wouldn't change anything as of now, but both have expressed that before they came out, if they could have changed their preferences, they would have to avoid the issues involved.
I don't know why her comment bothered me so much, I am not gay, nor Bisexual, so really no bearing pn me, but it just seemed SO off base it's been irritating me all weekend.
just for future reference, I think that some people in the gay community might be offended by your question.
really? that wasnt my intention at all! i was trying to point out that a person who is gay has to deal with obstacles that most hetro people never have to face - obviously my sarcasm was lost in the typing
@KateByDesign: Just out of curiosity, why? I asked pretty much the same thing.
I personally don't believe it to be offensive, but I do have some gay friends who do take offense to someone saying that no one would choose to be gay.
I think that some might take it as you perpetuating the idea that being gay is "scary" or "bad" by saying that no one would choose to be that way.
It would be ideal to be able to say, "I wouldn't have cared if I was born gay." I realize that that's not the way that life is currently, but if we continue to say "who would choose that lifestyle?" we're only delaying the world wide acceptance of it.
@KateByDesign: I understand what your friends are saying, but I don't think Eloping & CaitMarae meant it that way. I think it was clear that they meant not "who would want to be 'abnormal'," which I assume is what your friends would (rightly) find offensive; they meant "who would choose an orientation that opens them up to discrimination, contempt, ridicule, and unequal rights?" I would NEVER believe that being gay makes anyone inferior to a straight person; however I can't help observing that it can make life harder, more painful, and more frustrating in a lot of significant ways.
@KateByDesign: Ah, just saw your second post and I see what you're saying.
I am a straight woman, but I don't remember anybody ever putting a form in front of me where I had to check a box next to which sexual orientation I wanted to be.
I'm not gay, but studying developmental psychology. There's a strong indication that biology is the most likely culprite. We do know that choice/environment effects only expression, not orientation. In other words, a person who has these feelings may never act upon them depending on the tolerance of society around them. I'd say anyone who tires to make a strong case either way is being very narrow. Denying the significance of biology or the significance of the impact of our environdment, our own personal choices....is faling into a dangerous quagmire.
Isn't that the truth?! A straight man or woman never 'chose' to be straight, because they just ARE!
there's actually new scientific evidence showing that our sexual orientation has a lot to do with our balance of the female and male hormones... and these are effected by exposure we receive in the WOMB at critical phases of development.
are there more gays now because it's safer to be out, or because of the hormones in milk? hmmm.... just interesting.
I am with a man, but I didn't choose to be in a relationship with a female before though. I was physically and sexually attracted to a girl that I ended up spending a lot of time with. =) I also don't choose to be extremely turned on watching girl on girl porn either. I think it's the hottest thing ever. Haha.
Not a choice for me at all. However, Cynthia Nixon (best known as MIranda for Sex and the City) recently amde some interesting statements about this. First she stated last week that being gay was a choice, and got lots of backlash for all the reasons mentioned in prior posts. She then clarified by saying that being bisexual is not a choice, but she chose a woman in the end.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/cynthia-nixon-wit-being-gay_n_1223889.html
http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2012/01/30/Cynthia_Nixon_Being_Bisexual_Is_Not_a_Choice/
Here are the links if anyone is interested. They work if you copy and paste. I don't know why they aren't working as regular links.
@Cupcake2012: Oh, and by saying "not a choice for me at all," I didn't mean it's not what I would choose! I am gay. Sorry if any misunderstanding.
I am bisexual. However, even for me, I didn't get to choose whom I fell in love with. The only choice involved was that I was not going to give up someone I loved just because they were the "wrong" gender.
And of course, there are a lot of people who are 100% gay or 100% straight. For them, it's not a choice at all.
To the OP, I was a lil aprehensive as I first read through your post, but then I kind of smiled a bit when I got to the end. It was very nice to see that you had never even thought of it being a matter of "choice" and to you it is just how someone is created. I think so many people assume that people are homosexual out of choice but as my mom has always taught me....why would anyone choose such a struggle. Being gay is not an easy life, although it is full of blessings and love.
@girlygirl885: Thanks, like I said, I cringed for a while to see what would come back to me on here, but I figured where best to ask my question than a community like the bee!
I am greatful for the insight from our fellow Bee's. I know everyone has their own opinions and I can't change that, but it did help me understand a bit better.
I think it's biological. None of my gay friends chose to be gay, it's just how they were born. If you google, you can actually find a lot of interesting articles about same sex couples in the animal world! I think that in particular helps to show that it is biology and not a choice.
@zippylef: Thank you for that video! I have some very 'narrow-minded' relatives that are constantly trying to say it is a choice and have always wondered what to say and still be civil.
I've always thought it's similar to how I'm attracted to larger-set guys with smart-alec but very loving personalities or how some people are attracted to blondes. AKA Not a choice at all!
I can't imagine any reason a person would CHOOSE to be gay, not with all the bigotry there is in the world. My (gay) sister has been beaten, abused, bullied, and discriminated against because of her sexuality. Did she choose that too?
Bah, ignorance makes me mad.
(btw OP, I don't mean you, I mean people who don't bother trying to understand things. kudos to you :))
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