Post # 1
Yesterday, my SO took his last final and officially finished his Master’s degree (woohoo)! To celebrate, we went out to dinner and had a really great time. On the walk back from dinner (about 15-20 minutes), he brought up talking with his grandmother earlier in the day. As usual, she had brought up us getting engaged/married and guilted him, like she always does, with the whole “you know, I’m not gonna live much longer” kind of thing. It’s a running joke between us, because she always brings it up, and because she’s 83 and in excellent shape and health.
Anyway, since he brought up the subject, I decided to see what I could get out of him. I have been really, really trying to not talk about getting engaged with him, but I just couldn’t help myself! Jokingly, I said something like “yeah, when ARE we getting engaged? Before I’m 30?” (I’m 24 so it’s an obvious joke). He laughed, but didn’t get angry or defensive, so I decided to keep going. I said, “well maybe before you’re 25?” His birthday is in April. He laughed again and said something like “of course” or “obviously.” So I decided to keep going and asked “well maybe before I’M 25?” My birthday is in December, so it’s much closer. At that point, he shut down and said “I’m not gonna tell you anything.”
I tried to explain the concept of a timeline (and not a deadline or ultimatum), but he told me that if he gave me that, it would “ruin the surprise.” I HATE SURPRISES. I tried a couple more times to get anything out of him, but he wouldn’t budge.
Anyone else have a SO who refuses to give a timeline? I guess I know now for certain it’ll be before April (but I already basically knew that), but have no clue when it’ll happen in the meantime. Ugh. So frustrating!
Anyway, the whole thing eventually devolved into a fight and did not go at all the way I wanted it to. I’m just going back to shutting up about it.
Post # 3
When he brings it up, I run with it too but learn to quit while you are ahead. I try to limit it to a question and a statement. Or just one.
Sometime last year he told everyone (at a wedding then at a church) that he is going to marry me this year… I’m still waiting on a ring -__- I’m trying to cling to an inkling of hope that he will propose before the year ends. The thing is, I wasn’t even thinking about a proposal until he made his grand announcement… now I am crazily waiting.
I believe yours will come before the year ends. Time is flying. When you get worked up, hold it, vent here on WB, think it out (with a few bees’ comments) and then talk to him (if it’s still a major issue).
Post # 4
Your SO knows exactly what you were doing. Men are not as clueless as we like to think they are. If it had truly been a joke there would have been no other mention of it after the first “ha ha”. When you kept going it became obvious to him that on some level you were serious and determined to get a real response, which made him all the more determined to NOT give you one.
Definitely do not bring up the words “marriage” or “wedding” again. Trust that he knows what you want because it’s already been discussed. And since he is the one who would ultimately propose if he chose to you have to relinquish the idea that you can control anything that may or may not happen and let him lead. You will value his proposal more if it comes from him without prodding, nudging or suggestions from you. In the meantime, as I always recommend, set your own internal/silent deadline based on what is best for YOU and the life you want to lead.
I always suggest no more than 1 extra year if you are 25 or older and have already been with your SO at least a year. This does not include what could become a 1+ year engagement as long as a date is set. So it ends up being about 2-3 years total.
Until your silent deadline comes enjoy the hell out of the relationship. Be lighthearted about everything. Be cheerful and upbeat. He will love the carefree way you are behaving and you just might end up with what you want. But if not, then just let him know it’s not working out and you want to date other people. He’ll know why and either will step up on his own or not.
Post # 5
I have pushed my luck on the engagement/wedding/marriage discussion with my SO MANY times, so I totally feel your pain. These convos almost always spiraled into arguments or fights because, even though I thought I was being completely reasonable, I was actually being incredibly obnoxious.
Tough love: you are also being obnoxious. Your SO has given you a timeline; you’ll be engaged by April 2014. By continuing to needle him about it, you’re making the entire experience (which should be overwhelmingly joyful) kind of crappy for both of you.
I don’t say any of this to be mean because I did EXACTLY the same thing you’re doing. Then, finally, it hit me that it was going to happen when it was going to happen (according to our timeline), and I was making both of us miserable by trying to speed things up.
It helped a lot to take a break from wedding blogs (including this Waiting board), get busy with other things, and try to plan fun activities with my SO.
Post # 6
@keylimepie: Oh I agree. I’m totally being obnoxious..it’s just so hard sometimes. And while April 2014 is the only “timeline” he’ll give, I also know it’s going to be way before then – so I just need to shut my mouth and do some things for myself.
@evrnenpaul: Thanks! I do *kind of* have an internal deadline in my head (the end of the year). We have been together for 5.5 years, so I definitely don’t think that’s rushing things. We’ve been seriously talking about getting engaged for exactly a year now (I remember, because it was only a few days after my best friend’s wedding), so again, I don’t think the end of the year is too short of a time. He knows it’s important to me, you’re right, and I just need to shut my mouth!
Post # 7
@nber0815: Perfect. It’s definitely not too short of a timeline in your situation with 5+ years having passed. When I say a year I mean 1 more year MAX. So if your internal deadline was 6 months or whatever that’s fine too. But I wouldn’t go over another year is what I meant.
Post # 8
These kinds of posts make me so angry for you girls. Obviously you know you’re going to get married, because you’ve talked about it, so what’s the big deal with the “suprise” that isn’t really a surprise? Who gives a fuck? There is no way I could put up with that, especially after 5 years. I’d be like look – are we engaged or not? Because if not, why not? We know we want to get married, so let’s get this show on the road. This isn’t a romance movie, it’s your life. Tell him to get a move on or you will.
Post # 9
@oneofthesethings: +1. I got engaged after 3 months, so it is really hard for me to relate. I do read these posts and wonder how I would feel in the same situation. I think given my age I would want to know if a relationship was progressing or not, but I can’t imagine myself pressuring a man to marry me. If he wants to commit to me, excellent. If I have to force him or nag about it then the whole idea loses its luster. As long as I know he is committed for life and is my life partner then I’m happy with or without a ring – a lot of marriages are not between life partners. An agreement between the two of us is a lot more important to me.
Post # 10
@MrsPanda99: Exactly. I was engaged after 3 months as well, and married 8 months after that. I truly believe that H is the person I’m supposed to be with because we both knew immediately that we would always be together. No wishy-washiness, no nagging. I don’t deal with bullshit in any area of my life, and I CERTAINLY don’t deal with it from a man who’s supposed to love me. We met, fell in love, got engaged, got married. I couldn’t do it any other way. Waiting around for years for someone to figure out if they want to marry me? Sorry – ain’t happening. If you don’t know immediately, you’re not gonna know.
This is how I am in every aspect of life – I make very quick, very firm decisions. When I bought my condo, I looked at one model and put down my deposit, pre-construction. The whole thing took like, a day? Wedding dress? In and out in 45 minutes, paid in full. 2nd dress I tried on. Engagement ring? I wanted a princess solitaire, H wanted Tiffany, boom. Done. Wedding planning? Took me about 3 weeks other than last minute stuff. So I’m convinced that God introduced me to the only person who would deal with my need to do things immediately 🙂
Post # 11
@oneofthesethings: I feel the same way – you either know or you don’t. And you are not entitled to years of my life while you figure it out. Sorry, sir, that’s not how I roll 😛 We sound very similar with how we deal with these things 🙂
Post # 12
Post # 13
PP, don’t assume that if a guy doesn’t propose immediately, he’s still trying to “figure it out”. SO and I have been together over 6 years and believe me, neither of us has any figuring out to do. It was clear very early on that we would be together for life. But it would have been utterly pointless to get engaged / married before, well, about now. We weren’t financially stable, we have NO idea of what the next 10-ish years would look like… Basically, we had many other things to worry about. I think a lot of Bee couples are like that.
Anyway, to OP: be happy that you do have some sort of timeline! But I know how you feel. My SO told me that we will be engaged by March. At first it seemed great, but now that I know that I’m obsessed. Tell yourself you’ll be engaged by April 30th (at least you have that certainty!) and if it happens earlier, then great!