A vent about my brother-in-law

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s unfortunate, but you can’t make someone care about someone else. Given your BIL’s lack of maturity, do you really think he’d be a good influence on your husband and be able to help him with this tough situation? By what I read, it sounds like your BIL is just a toxic waste and wouldn’t be someone I, eprsonally, would want helping out. I understanding believing family should stick together, but sometimes its best if they just don’t talk. They have to want to, and it doesn’t sound like your BIL does.

Help your husband any way you can, and just worry about what you can do to improve his situation. I wish your husband the best. Perhaps one day your BIL will wise up.

Post # 3
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

My BIL and I have our differences, but it has never come between my sister and I.  So, I understand being frustrated with family.

It’s hard to weigh in, though– seems like there’s more to the story for him to immediately block you and go off like that.

Post # 6
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

**** him.

Sounds like it’s far more important to focus on your husband’s PTSD. Is he currently attending a military sponsored counselling programme? If I remember correctly then he was preparing to leave the army, so he should be offered a leaver’s course.

Not exactly sure how it works in the US, but full time soldiers here get a package to prepare them for civilian life here, which involves managing finances etc, learning a trade, how to apply for jobs, and a mental health assesment.

It could also be that he is responding to the newfound lack of structure in his life by drinking… that’s common too.

Don’t know if I can offer advice or not, but I was involved with the army in some small capacity or other for many years. They should offer some sort of help in this case…

Post # 7
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Honestly, this guy doesn’t even sound like he’s in a position to be a good influence on your husband.

Post # 9
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow, we’re in a very similar situation, except BIL is still married and is the one with PTSD. It’s sad that your BIL is acting the way he is but it might just be best if you didn’t reach out to him. If he doesn’t reach out to his brother, that’s on him. I feel bad for your husband but I don’t think the stress from his brother is worth it. We (my MIL, DH and myself) were blocked by BIL, his wife and his MIL on facebook and it really aggravated us in the beginning, like what kind of adults are they, playing games like blocking people on FB just because they are butthurt about something. Especially since we never really had a relationship on FB…blocking us was just to show how mad they were. After two months, it is seriously such a relief to all of us that we don’t have that tension anymore. MIL had to go to counseling but she already feels better about what happened.

My advice is to try not to give BIL too much attention. Focus on yourselves and don’t let him get to you.

Post # 11
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

CorvusCorax:  Hope things improve for you soon. It may well help once your other half gets into a routine with his new job etc. Army guys thrive on routine because it makes everything make sense…

Post # 12
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

CorvusCorax:  I don’t know what messages he sent after comparing you to his ex wife. So I don’t know if they were insults or him trying to talk to you. So then you block him. Is it possible that the reason he didn’t care about what you had to say is this?   maybe in his mind he tried talking to you and you blocked him so of course when you decide to come around after this long and try to talk to him it’s a normal response to think f her and block you. I’m not saying his thoughts were right but I am going to give him this- you called him immature for blocking you but that was your initial response to do the same thing. Also, another thing to consider his brother was having a hard time after the divorce. It sounds like all this was still bothering him some time later but I can imagine it hurt when he felt like he was going through this stuff and your husband decided to stop speaking with him. i don’t think it’s right but I could see why he would feel like your husband wasn’t there for him and he didn’t need to help your husband now. If you are serious about wanting to bury the hatchet leave him unblocked and see if he will come around. 

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