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You say that things got better, but all you really talk about is the bad stuff. How have things changed?
If things are bad now, they are not going to magically change after you get married. If anything, you will only discover more problems. It's love and committment that gets you through these new problems. From what you've said, he's not committed to you, and you deserve better.
If he's done it in the past, it's 99% guaranteed he'll do it again. Maybe he did have a genuine change of heart, though the fact that he still half-asses a lot of things makes me skeptical, but you have to realize that this likely isn't permanent. Maybe he realized he was losing you and got scared. I hate to say it, but I think your parents are right, and if you see their point, then realize that there's actually something wrong with this picture. Don't get stuck in an unhappy marriage just because you feel obligated.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost three years, and I thought I loved him more than anything. I'd even thought fairly seriously about marrying him. My parents told me the relationship was abusive, and I completely ignored them. It wasn't until I'd finally had enough that I ended the relationship, was able to take a step back, and realized just how bad it was for me. Yeah, it hurt for a while, but I am infinitely happier with me FI than I could have ever been with him.
I think you know your own answer, you just have to be brave enough to face it. I'm rooting for you!
If you think that you will be unhappy, you should really talk to him about it. Guys work differently..still trying to figure out how to work mine, but I noticed that if I make it FUN, my fiance is all over it! But there is a time and place (fiance will not do a darn thing if USC football is on.) But definitely have a heart to heart talk, maybe he doesn't know you want for him to help around the house, be more involved with your family, etc. Good luck
Honestly? You should leave him. Just make a clean break before you have to go through the mess of divorce. If you're living together now, it's still a bit messy but not nearly as bad as it will be later. And from your post it sounds like if you marry him, you will probably end up either divorcing him later or leading an unhappy life where you resent your husband. Neither of these are good options.
I have walked in your shoes. I was with my fiance for four years. The first two were pretty great - I KNEW I loved him without a doubt, we had great chemistry, he was a gentleman, trustworthy - just what I was looking for. But somewhere after two years, I don't know what happened but things started to change. The chemistry just dropped off. He started finding everything else in his life more interesting than me. He stopped doing sweet things just to make me happy and stopped compromising when we disagreed; I found myself bending to his will more and more often until I never got my way anymore - it was always what he wanted. ALWAYS. He also was the same way as yours with not wanting to do anything unless it benefitted him; he was totally motivated if it was something he cared about, but cleaning the house? Discussing finances? He could let those things slide for years.
You're one step ahead of where I was though, because you recognise the problem. I didn't. I knew something was "off," but I kept thinking if I just tried harder I could fix it. In my case I think what really happened was we both just fell out of love with each other. We still loved and cared for each other, like a friend would, but we weren't IN love with each other anymore. But my emotions about the situation were so confused that I couldn't see anything with clarity and I couldn't even tell what I felt really. Not until my fiance had the guts to dump me a month ago. I was angry as hell with him at first but now that I have some distance, I can clearly see he did the right thing. I was marrying him because I am too loyal for my own good and I can't recognise when it's time to cut ties. I spent 2 weeks miserable and angry but now I feel a breath of fresh air. I'm relieved. I think you might find the same thing because it sounds like our situation has many parallels (not exactly the same of course, but we both had a gut feeling, and noticed problems with our partners' behaviour.)
One thing I will caution you on is that if you do decide to leave him, cut off all ties. Don't try to stay friends or phone him when you get sad, or you'll probably get sucked back into an unhealthy on again/off again relationship. Turn to your friends to help you through it.
unsure,
I feel so sad in my heart for you. And that's because when you were engaged to someone who's right for you, you would be singing from the rooftops. You would be positive your life together would be happy! you seem like a realist, so of course you'd know that life does bring its ups and its downs--but when a relationship brings you mainly downs, so many that you confide to those who have no vested interest in telling you one thing or another, to get a read from the outside--that's a huge sign that you know what you must do. I have to agree with smartl that the best thing you could do for yourself and your future is to leave this man, cut off all ties, and start anew. It won't be easy at first, but after a while you'll find your butterfly wings and stretch them out and start flying again. You deserve SO MUCH more than what you're getting from this relationship. I wish you the very, very best.
My heart aches for you just reading your post. Go talk to a therapist. There are several sliding-scale clinics in most cities. Depending upon your income, they charge as little as $10. Call the universities in your area, and at least one should have a sliding scale community clinic that you can go to (or check through your insurance). It will benefit you to talk with a professional about why you stay when you are unhappy, why you defend him (6+ times in your post!), why you've become this "woman you never wanted to be". Be kind to yourself and good luck.
unsure, i don't know enough about your situation but based on what you have shared, i would lean towards getting out of it. a lot of those problems sound like they haven't been resolved, and a lot of them also sound like they are just issues that are deeply entrenched in his personality (not necessarily good or bad, just the way he is). one thing for sure, i think it is a huge red flag that you feel like you have become the woman you thought you would never become.
a healthy relationship is one that should make you feel more of who you really are. it should be something that energizes you and makes you into a better person. it shouldn't be something that makes you feel like you are always making exceptions, makes you feel trapped, and makes you feel like you are shortchanging yourself.
you mentioned how your parents feel about him...what about how your friends feel? are they neutral or unsure as well? if so, i think that is a big red flag. the people who love us and are watching out for us can sometimes see clearer than we can when we are in the situation.
i am sharing all of this based on my own experiences, in terms of having once been in a relationship that was very difficult to get out of. it was difficult because i had convinced myself that i loved the guy, even though i knew deep down that it was an unhealthy relationship and that he was not even close to the man i once dreamed i would marry. finally, after two long years, i mustered up the courage to break it off...cleanly and completely, like smartl said...and it was the most liberating experience of my life. it was scary at first, to be on your own again, but it was the best decision i ever made. fast forward a few years to when mr. d and i started dating. boy, was i glad that i held out, b/c mr. d showed me really how a man should treat a woman he loves! we are equals and we both love and serve one another. he is always building me up and we encourage each other to grow and to be more of ourselves. if i never broke off that relationship, i would have missed out on finding the real man of my dreams.
i don't want to completely straight out encourage you to break it off because i don't know the whole situation. but based on what you have shared, that is the camp i would fall in. i would definitely find someone you trust and confide in and who you know you can trust, and share this with them.
good luck...we are all thinking of you...!
unsure, i echo what everybody else has said, and i also echo the recommendation to see a therapist, or at least a trusted counselor/friend in some capacity. even if you know in your heart the relationship is not 'the one,' it can be agony to leave it. you might also encounter the phenomenon of him doing everything in his power to get you to stay, which can only make it tougher. it sounds like your parents might be a good source of support if they won't be too 'we told you so.'
regardless, i've been in a similar spot, so i hope all of our support makes you feel a little less alone and frustrated.
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I agree with all the other posters....I'll say that if you aren't ready to totally cut all ties you should at least try an open ended separation, meaning don't put a time limit on it. And in those months you shouldn't see/speak to him at all--rather you should focus on yourself. Do all the things you did before meeting him, catch up with your friends, take a class--in short, take care of yourself and try to make yourself happy without him. Just continue on treating yourself well and getting back to the woman you want to be and the life you want to live, and you'll eventually have your answer.
I feel like you are heading to the relationship my aunt and uncle have. My uncle was a little demanding and a little quirky before they got married, not the most helpful but he could be persuaded to do things, and it seemed OKAY but kinda weird. Well after getting married and in the last 10 years he has become so much worse. My aunt is always the person to let things slide, nothing bothers her, but even she seems miserable now. He has made her his slave and what's worse he is teaching their child his abusive behavior and I have watched my young cousin boss my aunt around just like he does. My aunt feels it's easier to just do what they say-that makes the pestering stop, but I can tell lately that she is hurtand unverwhelmed. Unfortunately, her life is now so intertwined from his, she would have serious issues leaving and having any other occupation etc. I would give this A LOT of thoguht. Families are protective and know so much more about us than we realize. I would weigh your options now. I can tell you this, she has left him briefy, trying to "scare him straight" and it works for about a week. Good luck, and God bless. Meditate on it and try to decide what is best for you.
you definitely must go through couples therapy and work out these issues. it is soooooo hard to give up on someone when you love them and when you want it to work. i do not think that this is simple cold feet. best of luck to you girl.
Have you guys gone through premarital counseling? I would recommend it.
One additional thought. Have you talked about having kids? Is it in your plans? It's one thing when you are cooking and cleaning with little help from your spouse - but I can't imagine raising kids with someone who is so lazy. It is a two person job! (The single parents that can manage it are absolutely amazing people)
Also - parents have a very interesting way of always knowing what is best (even when we want to argue/fight it).
You say you love your fiance. Ask these other questions...
Are you proud of him?
Do you respect him?
Do you trust him?
Do you see him making (or helping make) solid descisions for your family?
I know this is a very tough decision to face. Whatever decision you make - remember your friends and family will always love you and be there to support you!! And remember you deserve the best!! Sometime to love and cherish and respect you forever :)
I am sorry but if you have to go through counseling and your not even married that right there should tell you to end the relationship. I don't care how much therapy or counseling one has. People don't change. They can for a period of time but they will usually resort back to their old behavior. Save yourself the heartache and walk away. Obviously easier said than done but marriage makes your relationship more of a challenge and is not a bandaid for a bad relationship. And even worse you get married things don't change and then you have a child thinking the child will make it better and that's a situation you do not want to put yourself or a child through. And if he doesn't want to help you now imagine how hard it will be if you have kids. I would follow your gut if you have doubts (this sounds like more than just cold feet) than I would consider at the very least postponing your wedding.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right decision. Please keep us posted.
"If things are bad now, they are not going to magically change after you get married. "
Ditto.
However, I do think you should seek counseling. I do not agree with May08LBI above. My sister is a minister and she counsels couples and she says the number one thing that people misunderstand is that marriage will be easy. Every. couple. will go through a time where one or the other of them is not in a great place. And if you have trouble speaking out and saying 'this isn't working for me', it isn't going to get better.
Best of luck...are thoughts are with you.
--Mrs Corn
*Hug*
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I too suggest marital counseling, afterall sometimes from a guy's perspective it's easier to take criticism from a third party that is non-biased over a person that is directly involved even if what you both are saying are identical.
I think every relationship has its own set of challenges because no two person is ever identical. It is important to remain true to yourself and be honest at all times with what you want and need in your life. Compromise is an important factor in making any relationship work, but so is communication. Without both parties acknowledging that there is indeed a problem first, a resolution will never come.
I give you strength, love and compassion. I know these are rough times for you and no matter how dark it may seem now, I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. Regardless of your decision, know that we bee-readers are with you all the way and you will never walk alone.
Best of luck and please keep us posted.
I'm afraid you should get out. I was in a similar situation: I loved him, he loved me (I know he did, really), but I did feel I made excuses for him a lot and felt bad about myself sometimes because of him. We were happy most of the time, but when we were not, it was usually because he had made me feel bad about myself. Meanwhile I would squelch the things about him that bothered me because I didbn't want to hurt him. In the end we broke up because I wanted marriage and he didn't. Yes, even though I felt bad about myself sometimes with him, I wanted marriage, because I thought with love, we can work on things. Now, though, I am so happy that he understood that we did not respect each other the way we should.
My FI now thinks I am amazing. He is not blind to my faults, but he still thinks he is incredibly lucky to have me. When I am angry at myself or upset because I've failed sowehow, I call him and he always makes me feel better. Sure, we have disagreements, but I never, ever feel attacked or in danger of being hurt. Ever. When I look at him and our relationship, I cannot believe I was ready to settle for so much less.
Don't settle. Don't. There is so much better out there.
I know this is really tough, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through it. I went through this with my former BF/FI (before Mr S.) I did all the things that you said you do - ALL of them. ANd whats worse is we had a child together so I stayed even longer because of her.
In the end as hard as it was I had to go, and life is so much better now and though when I left I felt alone, depressed and worried I'd never get back on my feet - I knew that the only reason I believed any of that was because of the person he led me to believe I was.
You really know in your heart what needs to be done, unfortunatly knowing and doing are two very different, and very hard things - following through with what your heart desires and needs may prove to be the hardest thing you'll ever do.
My suggestion: Leave him. Things like you are describing do not and will not change, no matter the counsoling or amount you give in to make things work. Relationships are 50/50 not 80/10. Remember that and be true to YOU.
Good luck and keep us updated.
Wow unsure - I feel for you - but am also happy that you've recognized these issues before the marriage. I HIGHLY recommend speaking with a therapist - a non-judgemental third party can help you objectively figure out the issues and how best to address them without your parents, your FI, your friends' clouding thoughts. You need to figure out what's best for you and how you would like to proceed.
Best of luck. I'm glad you shared!
You know, I wonder why you don't agree with your parents. Don't you deserve someone better? Don't you deserve someone who tries to lighten your load rather than needing to be nagged into doing things around the house? Don't you deserve someone who will be proud and excited to go with you to family functions and parties that your friends throw, and who is willing to take the things that are important to you and make them important to him too? Don't you deserve someone who would tear his heart out rather than hurt you on purpose, and who will be so upset to see you upset that, if he does hurt you without intention, he tries very hard not to do it again? Don't you deserve someone who is sufficiently interested in you that he is happy to hear your opinion, even if you disagree with him?
The worst thing about a bad relationship is that, after being in that place for long enough, you often don't think that you deserve better. I think that is why therapy would help. And good couples therapy is not just designed to prevent your relationship from failing - its designed to help you figure out what you want, and what your partner wants, and whether those things can be made compatible.
I agree with Jillian - and I would take the questions that she asked one step further: Is he proud of you? Does he respect you? Does he cherish you?
That is what you deserve.
i'm so sorry on one hand, but not on the other... dont take that the wrong way though...
im sorry that you are in this position - but on the other hand - i dont even know you and i'm proud of you - that you are asking the hard questions of yourself - really looking into this without the romantic rose colored glasses!!
all i can say is trust your instincts - love is just love - a successful relationship takes respect, compromise, sacrifice, etc.
I'M WISHING YOU THE BEST AND GOOD LUCK!!!!
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My cousin is married to the man you describe and she has regretted her decision and now wants a divorce. Here are the things that research and couples ahead of our generation has taught us:
1. people rarely change. women marry hoping that they can change their man - men marry hoping that they never have to change
2. a marriage has to be shared by the efforts of two people. if he is not helpful, polite, supportive, understanding, WILLING right now he will make a poor PARTNER for you.
3. do not settle
I did not make up this advice - it has been given to me by my 7 aunts and two sets of granparents as well as books that i have read. You need to step away from this to save your life, happiness, and sanity.
My cousin has uttered to me "I don't eat for pleasure or to enjoy the taste of food anymore - it is to live so that I can take care of my children. Life has become bland and I no longer see anything worthwhile in it." Don't do this to yourself - there are so many strangers on this post that care MORE about you than the man who you think "LOVES" you. Doesn't that seem out of logic?
You need to trust your parents with this one. They have your best interest at heart, and from the picture you've painted, it sounds like when things get worse your parents will be the ones there for you, not him.
If you are at all worried about the fact that you're 'engaged' or 'getting married' and that holds a bond of obligation for you to go through with this... Release it. One of the most admirable things a guy or girl can do for themselves and for the person they care about is decide NOT to get married. It's okay to do that.
I agree with all the girls above, talk to a therapist. Sometimes you need to just walk away, no matter what's invested, no matter how many invitations are sent out. With someone like this you just have to say.... I'll love you for forever, but I kiss you goodbye. and walk away.
I'm going to just join the echo chamber - therapy.
One thing that I do think is encouraging is that he's made an effort in the past year to shape up. You say you don't know why - so why don't you ask him? A guy who realizes he's being a jerk all by himself and changes seems like he might have potential. Is he still improving bit by bit, or have things started to slide again?
One thing that worries me though is you say he "hurt you". I don't know what exactly you mean by that but emotional or physical abuse should be a dealbreaker and you should RUN.
I want to let you know that my heart goes out for you. I can completely understand what you are going through.... I always thought of myself as a strong and independent person. When my friends would come to me telling me stories about boyfriends cheating, or treating them badly....I was always the first to tell them that they could do better. Until my ex came along.
Suddenly I became the girl that I never wanted to be, and I don't even know how. I have high expectations in a relationship, because I am the type of person that gives someone everything she has when in a relationship. I believe that if something is worth it, you put your all into it. That being said, my relationship with my ex was turbulent to say the least. He would break up with me for no reason, or to "see if there was anyone else out there" for him, he cheated, he lied, he took advantage....but only because I let him. I was too scared of ruffling feathers to speak my heart, and I didn't want to be alone. My parents couldn't stand him for what he was doing for me, especially because they saw that I would do anything for him. My friends were supportive, but I knew they didn't like him either. In my opinion, if you are doubting things this much... i think you need to step back and re-evaluate your wants and needs. You should be with someone that treats you like gold ALL the time (unless some sort of sport is on..lol), that fact that you have "forgiven but not forgotten" leads me to think that you really haven't forgiven him at all... and that this still weighs heavily on you.
I don't think that things will get any better once you are married, and though it is good that he has "gotten better", you deserve the best, and it seems like you are settling. My mother once told me that you should look at relationship as though you were the mother...meaning would you want your daughter to be in this kind of relationship? And in a weird way it made sense....I would never want my child to be in the type of relationship that I was in. Sometimes it is good to step back and look into the relationship with a different perspective. What would you say to a best friend in the situation?
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but know that you shouldn't settle, because living a life where you will stay in the marriage and be unhappy is a fate that you don't deserve.
Thank you for all the suggestions ladies. It's been very difficult since many of my friends aren't going through anything remotely similar to what I have been dealing with. For too long, i thought I was just asking for and expecting too much.
My parents have always taught me that you stick by your family and the people you love. I guess that why I spent so much time defending him and putting up with all the crap. I should have see this coming way back when... I just didn't want to give up on someone I loved and a relationship I have put so much into.
I just read Miss Canary's post about her fiance's relationship with her own family and can't help but wish I had a fiance who loved me enough to make that same effort. Instead, I have a fiance who asks "Why me?" and "Why do I need to....?" all the time. A fiance who insists that he is "just joking" as he pokes fun at everyone...all the time. I'm so tired from all the work I have put into this relationship... both mentally and physically. I think I'll be taking some time off to get away and figure out what I have to do...
I haven't read the other responses yet, but from reading your post: my best freind married a man like this, and it won't get better. Now they have a baby, and he's the same, sitting on the couch watchign tv, never lifting a finger. It's one thing to be married to someone like this, it's a whole different level of bad when he's the father of your children. RUN away.
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best of luck to you!!
be true to yourself and you will never go wrong!
Good for you! You are doing the right thing, to think good and hard about this.
The fact is, you never just marry a person. You get their whole life along with them. My FI has two kids, so its even more obvious - but you have family too! What if your parents need extra help or care as they get older? Would your FI be willing to help out with that? What if one of your siblings needed a place to stay for a while? We are already sending money every month to my FI's mother, as since his father died her social security is not enough to pay her bills. Long term, you can't just say "Your family is your problem." "They're not MY kids (or parents)." My FI invites my folks over ALL THE TIME... we had them over for the superbowl on Sunday. He and my dad are great friends. My mom is always baking stuff for his kids. His mom calls me once a week, and although she lives a ways away we have so much fun when we get together. His brother and I have our own little "book of the month club." (His, sister, well she's just another story. But there's always one, isn't there?) You have to look at how the person you are with fits into your whole life, because if that fit is not good, you are going to be fighting that your whole life.
Just remember - you deserve someone wonderful. Someone who thinks you are wonderful. Someone who spends his spare time thinking about how to make you happy. Someone who is delighted when he can help you out. Someone you are proud to be with. Keep repeating that to yourself, because its true. And that person is out there - but you're never going to find him if you are tied to someone else.
It just breaks my heart to read about your situation. Read all the good advice that's already been said and please make the right decision. I think you know it deep down inside judging by the way you described everything. I sense how you truly feel. You totally deserve someone that's perfect for you and you deserve to be loved completely. If he's like how you described him now, it will definitely get worse after you're married. He sounds like he takes you for granted (even after things got "better"). Think about the regret you might be putting on your self!
Unsure: I think some time off to find out what you want is very important and necessary right now. From your posts it seems that you've been catering to your fiance's needs and wants, when he does not seem to compromising with yours.
Granted, relationships are not easy and we all go through tough times... but some things, you've just got to give up on and move away because it ultimately hurts you more than it helps you.
If you can't talk to your friends and family about it, definitely find a counselor. There is no harm in that and you'll probably learn a lot about yourself that you hadn't before.
Don't guilt yourself into thinking you're expecting too much or you don't deserve it... the bottom line is that these are things you want and need from a companion and you shouldn't settle.
I hope for the best for you and know that you have a great group of women here where you can voice your concerns and get support.
unsure - when you said that your family always taught you to stick by those you love, and maybe that's why you have been defending him and putting up with his crap for so long, I felt like I could have written that myself. I think those are good values that your family has passed on to you. It's important to stick by those you love. Just make sure that it's the right relationship you're sticking by, you know? I have the same problem. I like that I'm a very loyal person, but sometimes I'm too loyal for my own good - I become unable to see when it's time to cut ties because it's just not in my nature to do that. I hope you keep that in mind when you decide what to do - that you may just be sticking by him because you thought sticking by those you love is the right thing to do, but it might not be in this case. Make sure you're sticking by someone who would do the same for you in return, and who treats you the way you want to be treated. Otherwise you're in for a lifetime of resentment.
unsure - I've only briefly scanned the other replies, but for the most part, everyone is right. but even knowing what others tell you is right (i.e. your parents) and agreeing with them, will not help your situation.
I have been in a similar relationship. I was with an ex for 6 years. I became the girl I never thought I would be. Like you, try to keep the waters as smooth as possible, not to make him mad, did all the chores so he didn't have to lift a finger (what's the point of doing bit by bit cleaning when you can do one big pile at once, was one of his wise practices). Things NEVER got better, at least not for more than a few weeks at a time.
What everyone has said, you already know. It's the if and when of getting the courage and strength to get up and leave. I will also echo the advice to cut things off completely. At least for a good period of time. I was one foot in, one foot out for over a year and a half. Suicide-alert (he was so depressed and/or lazy, he literally never left the apt. for months.
But YOU CAN DO IT. Try to remember who you were before him, and slowly let the girl out to breathe. You'll be amazed at how your whole perspective on life and love can be regenerated! And when you are sooo happy and ready to be engaged again, you'll know how much inifinetly better and right it is.
Best of luck, you can always PM if you need support.
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Most of posts about boyfriends, FIs, and husbands on weddingbee have been pretty positive and I love reading about how happy couples are because it's sweet...and...it gives me hope. I hate to be the downer but I've had a problem for quite some time and I could really use some advice... That is, if you can follow my thoughts. I have so much on my mind that I'm not sure everything will come out clearly or in enough detail but here goes...
I'm not so sure I can go through with this marriage!
If you're still reading this, I'm sure you're asking "we'll why did you say yes then?" And my sad answer is...I don't know.
I love my FI but we've had problems for many years that I've just tried to forget. He's hurt me on several occasions for periods longer than I can say without feeling so ashamed. After meeting him, I became one of those women I never EVER thought I'd become. I became the woman who let things slide, who was afraid to start an argument, who ended up apologizing for anything that went wrong, the woman who always came running back and the woman who always let him back in.
My parents still think he isn't good enough for me and to be honest, I can't blame them. He's always in front of a tv when they see him. He hardly does anything around the house, rarely gets up to help, and sometimes, i honestly think he pretends he doesn't hear them when they try to make conversation with him. I guess this is better than before when he barely even spoke to them! My dad keeps telling me that he wants me to marry a gentleman that will take care of, protect, and truly love me. I tell him that we will take care of and protect eachother but I know what he means. He see's that my FI barely lifts a finger (although he does more now than before). He's not very handy which is fine, but he doesn't seem to want to learn anything unless it benefits him. He complains when i ask him to do things (asking why he has to or why someone else can't), complains when i ask him to go with me to family functions or out with family friends. I barely ask him for help or to do something because it's like asking him to walk on water. He has also lied to me and been very disrespectful in the past. I've forgiven him but I will NEVER forget.
Up until a year ago, I was putting more effort into the relationship than he was. I'm not sure what brought on this change but things got better (helping out a bit more but sometimes half assing it, more effort to talk to my parents and friends, and a bit more affectionate) and now here we are. I said yes, I love him, and I can see myself marrying him and sticking by him through the good times and bad...but I'm not so sure I will be all that happy...