(Closed) a very different topic…

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You say that things got better, but all you really talk about is the bad stuff.  How have things changed? 

Post # 4
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

If things are bad now, they are not going to magically change after you get married.  If anything, you will only discover more problems.  It’s love and committment that gets you through these new problems.  From what you’ve said, he’s not committed to you, and you deserve better.

 If he’s done it in the past, it’s 99% guaranteed he’ll do it again.  Maybe he did have a genuine change of heart, though the fact that he still half-asses a lot of things makes me skeptical, but you have to realize that this likely isn’t permanent.  Maybe he realized he was losing you and got scared.  I hate to say it, but I think your parents are right, and if you see their point, then realize that there’s actually something wrong with this picture.  Don’t get stuck in an unhappy marriage just because you feel obligated.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost three years, and I thought I loved him more than anything.  I’d even thought fairly seriously about marrying him.  My parents told me the relationship was abusive, and I completely ignored them.  It wasn’t until I’d finally had enough that I ended the relationship, was able to take a step back, and realized just how bad it was for me.  Yeah, it hurt for a while, but I am infinitely happier with me FI than I could have ever been with him.  

 I think you know your own answer, you just have to be brave enough to face it.  I’m rooting for you!

Post # 5
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you think that you will be unhappy, you should really talk to him about it.  Guys work differently..still trying to figure out how to work mine, but I noticed that if I make it FUN, my fiance is all over it!  But there is a time and place (fiance will not do a darn thing if USC football is on.)  But definitely have a heart to heart talk, maybe he doesn’t know you want for him to help around the house, be more involved with your family, etc.  Good luck

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Honestly?  You should leave him.  Just make a clean break before you have to go through the mess of divorce.  If you’re living together now, it’s still a bit messy but not nearly as bad as it will be later.  And from your post it sounds like if you marry him, you will probably end up either divorcing him later or leading an unhappy life where you resent your husband.  Neither of these are good options.

I have walked in your shoes.  I was with my fiance for four years.  The first two were pretty great – I KNEW I loved him without a doubt, we had great chemistry, he was a gentleman, trustworthy – just what I was looking for.  But somewhere after two years, I don’t know what happened but things started to change.  The chemistry just dropped off.  He started finding everything else in his life more interesting than me.  He stopped doing sweet things just to make me happy and stopped compromising when we disagreed; I found myself bending to his will more and more often until I never got my way anymore – it was always what he wanted.  ALWAYS.  He also was the same way as yours with not wanting to do anything unless it benefitted him; he was totally motivated if it was something he cared about, but cleaning the house?  Discussing finances?  He could let those things slide for years.

You’re one step ahead of where I was though, because you recognise the problem.  I didn’t.  I knew something was "off," but I kept thinking if I just tried harder I could fix it.  In my case I think what really happened was we both just fell out of love with each other.  We still loved and cared for each other, like a friend would, but we weren’t IN love with each other anymore.  But my emotions about the situation were so confused that I couldn’t see anything with clarity and I couldn’t even tell what I felt really.  Not until my fiance had the guts to dump me a month ago.  I was angry as hell with him at first but now that I have some distance, I can clearly see he did the right thing.  I was marrying him because I am too loyal for my own good and I can’t recognise when it’s time to cut ties.  I spent 2 weeks miserable and angry but now I feel a breath of fresh air.  I’m relieved.  I think you might find the same thing because it sounds like our situation has many parallels (not exactly the same of course, but we both had a gut feeling, and noticed problems with our partners’ behaviour.)

One thing I will caution you on is that if you do decide to leave him, cut off all ties.  Don’t try to stay friends or phone him when you get sad, or you’ll probably get sucked back into an unhealthy on again/off again relationship.  Turn to your friends to help you through it.

Post # 7
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2008

unsure,

I feel so sad in my heart for you. And that’s because when you were engaged to someone who’s right for you, you  would be singing from the rooftops. You would be positive your life together would be happy! you seem like a realist, so of course you’d know that life does bring its ups and its downs–but when a relationship brings you mainly downs, so many that you confide to those who have no vested interest in telling you one thing or another, to get a read from the outside–that’s a huge sign that you know what you must do. I have to agree with smartl that the best thing you could do for yourself and your future is to leave this man, cut off all ties, and start anew. It won’t be easy at first, but after a while you’ll find your butterfly wings and stretch them out and start flying again. You deserve SO MUCH more than what you’re getting from this relationship. I wish you the very, very best.

Post # 8
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My heart aches for you just reading your post.  Go talk to a therapist.  There are several sliding-scale clinics in most cities.  Depending upon your income, they charge as little as $10.  Call the universities in your area, and at least one should have a sliding scale community clinic that you can go to (or check through your insurance).  It will benefit you to talk with a professional about why you stay when you are unhappy, why you defend him (6+ times in your post!), why you’ve become this "woman you never wanted to be".  Be kind to yourself and good luck.

Post # 9
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Rancho del Cielo, Malibu, CA

unsure, i don’t know enough about your situation but based on what you have shared, i would lean towards getting out of it.  a lot of those problems sound like they haven’t been resolved, and a lot of them also sound like they are just issues that are deeply entrenched in his personality (not necessarily good or bad, just the way he is).  one thing for sure, i think it is a huge red flag that you feel like you have become the woman you thought you would never become. 

a healthy relationship is one that should make you feel more of who you really are.  it should be something that energizes you and makes you into a better person.  it shouldn’t be something that makes you feel like you are always making exceptions, makes you feel trapped, and makes you feel like you are shortchanging yourself.

you mentioned how your parents feel about him…what about how your friends feel?  are they neutral or unsure as well?  if so, i think that is a big red flag.  the people who love us and are watching out for us can sometimes see clearer than we can when we are in the situation.  

i am sharing all of this based on my own experiences, in terms of having once been in a relationship that was very difficult to get out of.  it was difficult because i had convinced myself that i loved the guy, even though i knew deep down that it was an unhealthy relationship and that he was not even close to the man i once dreamed i would marry.  finally, after two long years, i mustered up the courage to break it off…cleanly and completely, like smartl said…and it was the most liberating experience of my life.  it was scary at first, to be on your own again, but it was the best decision i ever made.  fast forward a few years to when mr. d and i started dating.  boy, was i glad that i held out, b/c mr. d showed me really how a man should treat a woman he loves!  we are equals and we both love and serve one another.  he is always building me up and we encourage each other to grow and to be more of ourselves.  if i never broke off that relationship, i would have missed out on finding the real man of my dreams.

i don’t want to completely straight out encourage you to break it off because i don’t know the whole situation.  but based on what you have shared, that is the camp i would fall in.  i would definitely find someone you trust and confide in and who you know you can trust, and share this with them.

good luck…we are all thinking of you…!

Post # 10
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

unsure, i echo what everybody else has said, and i also echo the recommendation to see a therapist, or at least a trusted counselor/friend in some capacity. even if you know in your heart the relationship is not ‘the one,’ it can be agony to leave it. you might also encounter the phenomenon of him doing everything in his power to get you to stay, which can only make it tougher. it sounds like your parents might be a good source of support if they won’t be too ‘we told you so.’

regardless, i’ve been in a similar spot, so i hope all of our support makes you feel a little less alone and frustrated.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with all the other posters….I’ll say that if you aren’t ready to totally cut all ties you should at least try an open ended separation, meaning don’t put a time limit on it.  And in those months you shouldn’t see/speak to him at all–rather you should focus on yourself.  Do all the things you did before meeting him, catch up with your friends, take a class–in short, take care of yourself and try to make yourself happy without him.  Just continue on treating yourself well and getting back to the woman you want to be and the life you want to live, and you’ll eventually have your answer.

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I feel like you are heading to the relationship my aunt and uncle have. My uncle was a little demanding and a little quirky before they got married, not the most helpful but he could be persuaded to do things, and it seemed OKAY but kinda weird. Well after getting married and in the last 10 years he has become so much worse. My aunt is always the person to let things slide, nothing bothers her, but even she seems miserable now. He has made her his slave and what’s worse he is teaching their child his abusive behavior and I have watched my young cousin boss my aunt around just like he does. My aunt feels it’s easier to just do what they say-that makes the pestering stop, but I can tell lately that she is hurtand unverwhelmed. Unfortunately, her life is now so intertwined from his, she would have serious issues leaving and having any other occupation etc. I would give this A LOT of thoguht. Families are protective and know so much more about us than we realize. I would weigh your options now. I can tell you this, she has left him briefy, trying to "scare him straight" and it works for about a week. Good luck, and God bless. Meditate on it and try to decide what is best for you.

Post # 13
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

you definitely must go through couples therapy and work out these issues.  it is soooooo hard to give up on someone when you love them and when you want it to work.  i do not think that this is simple cold feet.  best of luck to you girl.

Post # 14
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Have you guys gone through premarital counseling?  I would recommend it.

One additional thought.  Have you talked about having kids?  Is it in your plans?  It’s one thing when you are cooking and cleaning with little help from your spouse – but I can’t imagine raising kids with someone who is so lazy.  It is a two person job!   (The single parents that can manage it are absolutely amazing people)

Also – parents have a very interesting way of always knowing what is best (even when we want to argue/fight it).

You say you love your fiance.  Ask these other questions…

Are you proud of him?

Do you respect him?

Do you trust him?

Do you see him making (or helping make) solid descisions for your family?

I know this is a very tough decision to face.  Whatever decision you make – remember your friends and family will always love you and be there to support you!!   And remember you deserve the best!!  Sometime to love and cherish and respect you forever 🙂

Post # 15
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I am sorry but if you have to go through counseling and your not even married that right there should tell you to end the relationship.  I don’t care how much therapy or counseling one has.  People don’t change. They can for a period of time but they will usually resort back to their old behavior.  Save yourself the heartache and walk away. Obviously easier said than done but marriage makes your relationship more of a challenge and is not a bandaid for a bad relationship. And even worse you get married things don’t change and then you have a child thinking the child will make it better and that’s a situation you do not want to put yourself or a child through. And if he doesn’t want to help you now imagine how hard it will be if you have kids. I would follow your gut if you have doubts (this sounds like more than just cold feet) than I would consider at the very least postponing your wedding.

 I wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right decision. Please keep us posted.

Post # 16
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

"If things are bad now, they are not going to magically change after you get married. "

Ditto.

However, I do think you should seek counseling.  I do not agree with May08LBI above.  My sister is a minister and she counsels couples and she says the number one thing that people misunderstand is that marriage will be easy.  Every. couple. will go through a time where one or the other of them is not in a great place.  And if you have trouble speaking out and saying ‘this isn’t working for me’, it isn’t going to get better. 

Best of luck…are thoughts are with you.

–Mrs Corn

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