Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for about 2 years now. We started dating right before we left our hometown for college and we got engaged about seven months ago. We are now entering our junior year of college.
Rewind to two years ago….
In the beginning, everything was surreal. I loved Jeremey more than words could ever express. We had so much fun together going to movies, parties, and just being kids smoking cigarrettes on the balcony at his apartment. Then we made the worst decision two kids could ever make. We decided to move in together. At the time, I was living in the dorms at my university (which was hellish) and he at an apartment with a roomate. After the end of our first semester, his roomate moved out and I moved into the apartment. Everything was seemingly fine other than life moved from fun to routine- something there was no way I could ever notice at the time. We started doing less activities and started hanging out with more married couples. It was fun to sort of “play house” with someone. Now that novelty has worn off and I feel like a 30 year old woman stuck in a 20 year old girl’s body. I rarely went out by myself or with friends and we rarely went out as a couple.
Fastforward to seven months ago (our engagement)…
As a couple, Jeremey and I seemed perfect. We never fought. We would have the occasional argument over petty things but nothing monumental. People used to say that Jeremy and I were the perfect example of a couple. We were engaged on a snowy night in December and everything seemed great. However, I could not help but feel so old and yet too young at the same time. We decided on our engagement to get married in 2013 (1 1/2 year engagement).
Fastforward again to just a few months ago…
Our little world of playing house and having this “perfect couple” facade came crumbling down. We had moved back home for the summer and since we lived together at school, we typically stayed together at home (yet another BIG mistake). We were staying with his mom and step dad when I started noticing little things. Jeremey’s mom Helen started making my life a living hell. She would make the time between Jeremey’s phone calls and when he got off work a competition. “Who will he call first?” She would be rude to me by myself but then act like a drooling teenager when Jeremey got home. She babied him beyond belief. It was to the point where she was calling his boss at work to see where he was. Again, my life was a living hell. I begged Jeremey to say something to her. He said some of the things she was doing was upsetting him but he was too afraid to confront her. When he finally would say something she would ignore him or chalk it up to me. Finally the bubble burst and she lost it. She hates me now and has said some terrible things about to me to Jeremey as well as to my face. I was so lost with dispair and heartache (Jeremey’s family is one of the most important things to him) that I knew I needed to try and make things better. I took responsibility for everything and told Helen how sorry I was and how terrible I felt that all this happened. She gave me the cold shoulder.
Fastforward to right now….
Here I am now still in this strange and confusing limbo. Jeremey’s mom still hates me and acts so cold to me and our wedding is in just a few months away. Through all of this, I have concluded that it is really not Helen who I am upset/angry with. It’s Jeremey. As a future wife, I should become his number one priority and all this time I have been waiting for him to stand up for me. Instead, through all of this he has betrayed and even lied to me. I just don’t know if I can go on. On top of all the feelings of having my 20’s robbed from me and being to young to play house and be a housewife, I now am dealing with a very immature fiance and an evil mother-in-law. Jeremey never proved himself a man to me by making this situation better or protecting me from the things she said. He instead tried to hide them from me and lie about them. Because of this my soul is consumed with evil disdain and even hatred for Helen. I shouldn’t be this way, but I don’t want Jeremey to even talk to her because I can’t stand the sound of her voice or bear to know what she says next. I feel as though she has destroyed us even though I know better. I can’t get Helen out of my head with the mean things she said about me and my family. Is this grounds to call off an engagement? I feel so guilty about thinking these things because my mom has spent so much money on the wedding so far I couldnt bear to hurt her, but some days I wake up feeling miserable. Jeremey used to hang the moon for me and now I’m only seeing stars. Somebody help me sort out my feelings and give me some sort of direction. We have already seen a marriage counselor.
Post # 3
Honestly, it sounds like your problems started before you moved in with his mom and step dad. If you feel like you’re missing out on your 20s because of your FI, you should just leave. You are obviously not ready to get married.
ETA: I’m not trying to be mean, I just honestly think you’re not ready. When you’re ready to get married you won’t be able to picture your life without your FI and you won’t feel cheated out of anything.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s always terrible to look back and see how things aren’t as great as they used to be.
In my opinion, getting married isn’t going to fix your problems. It won’t flip some switch inside of his head to suddenly start treating you like you deserve. That part should come naturally in the relationship. And once you’re married, “taking breaks” or having “time apart” isn’t as easy to come by.
If I were you, I would take some time to stop organizing for the wedding and decide what you really want. Take that time to see if Jeremy is willing to commit to you in a truthful and long-term relationship.
Hope this helps out a bit.
Post # 6
Wow that sounds like a really rough situation. I think the problem breaks down to a couple of core elements; the ‘growing up too fast’ element, and the FMIL element. I think it is really easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of a new relationship and want to ‘play house’ as you say, but is it really that you feel like you have lost your youth, or do you feel like you should have spent that time dating other people? Because if you feel like you missed your opportunity to date around or see what your other options are, you probably shouldn’t be getting married in my opinion. If you just feel like you lost your youth playing house, well if it is with the person you love and you have spent all that time together, have you really lost anything?
As far as the FMIL problem, that is the oldest story in the book. I have a pretty wonderful FMIL so I can’t give you a lot of advice, but I know that you are certainly not alone. I am sure she is just afraid of losing her son. After all, they say that boys are the ones who leave you to start their own families, and I’m sure that is a scary thing for a mom. Just stay strong, evaluate your feelings, and I am sure you will come to the right decision.
Post # 7
@missashleyann: I feel really bad for your situation and if it feels any better me and my FI went through the same thing, but alittle worse because his family hated me because of my race. They actually told him they would disown him if he was with me.
And he picked me.
The most troubling part about your story is that he doesn’t stick up for you. He needs to do this if you have any chance of moving forward. After my FI’s defiance they backed down. They are slowly accepting the stituation because they really don’t have a choice. You and your FI need to be a united front and if he won’t stick up for you to his family you might have to move on to be happy.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsJohnson_: Honestly, it sounds like your problems started before you moved in with his mom and step dad. If you feel like you’re missing out on your 20s because of your FI, you should just leave. You are obviously not ready to get married.
I live with my FI and have for the past two years, plus the year before that when he was over at my apartment 98% of the time. We had no problems.
Post # 9
If your FI isn’t standing up for you now, he never will. It doesn’t matter if it’s to his mother, your kids, or the next door neighbor. He needs to always have your back. I would definitely recommend postponing the wedding until that happens.
It’s a lot easier to back out now than to get a divorce later!!! If you get a divorce, the money on the wedding will be wasted anyway. 🙁
Post # 10
@LabDarling: Thanks so much for the advice! It means a lot to hear another perspective.
Just to be clear I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on other guys. In fact, in my head I am sure that if Jeremey and I don’t work out I would rather be alone the rest of my life. I feel like we have been sucked down a hole where we don’t go out and have fun anymore and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if societal or familiar standards hold Jeremey back or any of the above. Maybe it’s societal standards on how old someone should be when you get married and everyone saying your missing out. The whole “game-over” cliche.
Post # 11
@missashleyann: Correct me if I’m wrong, PPs, but I think we were talking about more than just “other guys,” but life in general, things you’d be able to do if you didn’t feel “tied down” and “playing house.” In general you sound resentful and unhappy.. and that’s no way to begin things!
Post # 12
@missashleyann: If you think that moving in was a bad decision, you’re not ready to get married, and certainly not to this guy. The stuff with your “mother in law” is no picnic, but you simply do not sound ready to settle down yet. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this — you’re awfully young to want to BE married. And so is HE — which is why he probably doesn’t have the “independent adult preparing to be a husband” thing worked out yet with relation to his mom.
Don’t go through with this wedding. I know your mom has spent money in preparation, but she would rather see you happy than in a bad marriage. Divorces cost money too. Don’t force something when you’re having doubts about the relationship and about being committed.
Post # 13
@love108: Yes. You should in no way resent your FI, because it sounds like this relationship has made you feel “old.” So maybe move out and spend some time alone; do what you want to do, when you want to do it. But don’t get married just because your mom has already spent money on the wedding, divorce is way worse than a cancelled wedding.
Post # 14
I think taking some time apart would probably be a good idea. There is nothing wrong with saying, ‘hey i need some space and it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with me and it will be better for us in the long run’
Post # 15
@love108: Agreed. When you’re ready, nothing in the relationship feels like it’s curtailing or hindering your social agenda somehow. It feels like it’s enhancing it, because your priorities change entirely.
Post # 16
Run honey, this is not good!