- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
I just need to complain. I can’t talk to anyone about this because honestly, I’m ashamed/embarrassed of our relationship problems, so I spend most of my time pretending that I’m fine with it and defending/explaining/rationalizing my fiance’s desire to wait to get married.
So we got engaged Dec. 21, 2007…that seems like forever ago to me. At first, we agreed to wait until I was completely finished with grad school to get married, but I think we were on totally different pages. Eventually, I started to get antsy and tried to convince him to get married sooner. This has made him frustrated. He makes valid points, but I think part of it is that he’s scared to get married because of his own admittance that he’s afraid to repeat his parents’ failed marriage and he doesn’t think either of us are ready for children. He just turned 30 (I’m almost 26) and I can hear the clock ticking from miles away. Most of the reasons to wait are financial in nature (saving up, financial aid for grad school as “single” better than as “married”, etc). He’s not a very open person…he’s had a very tough life and it’s hard to get him to engage in meaningful conversations.
I ended up canceling my grad school plans last summer due to the economy, having to move away from my fiance and family, and for my own happiness. So I am now having to wait another full year to find out about getting in to a closer school. I’ll find out in October.
Most of the reasons NOT to wait are procreative in nature. We bought a house in December, but we had been living together for years before that. I know perfectly well that cohabitation before marriage usually leads to ambivalence about marriage, and I think we’re just too comfortable. But I want to make some children!!!! It’s not even baby fever, or my biological clock ticking, it’s more just that I don’t want us to get too much older before we start having kids. My younger sister is 7 months pregnant, after getting married last year. She was engaged AFTER me, married and popping out kids before me. I’m jealous, and we had always planned to have our kids around the same time. I know it’s not a race and it sounds stupid, but it honestly does bother me. I want to start having kids soon, and I’m not planning on doing that before I’m married (it’s extremely controversial and a HUGE no-no in his family). It’s not that having children is the ONLY reason to get married, but since we’ve lived together for so long, it’s definitely an important next step in our lives after (and prerequiring) marriage.
The topic of setting the date is a little bit sensitive, because I pushed a few too many buttons and he is a stubborn donkey. It sounds horrible. A couple of hours ago, I said “we should get married on 11/11/11” (I REALLY want to) and he said “uhh…Veteran’s Day??” And after some discussion about veterans and rememberence…the topic had strayed too far and I felt like it’d be too much if I brought it up again just as he is going to bed.
Does anyone have any advice, words of wisdom, anything?