- 5 years ago
I have loved you, i have felt tingly feelings around you, i have admired you, i have boasted about you, i have enjoyed you and i have been proud to be your girlfriend.
I love you still, but i no longer am proud to be your girlfriend.
I have wanted to be more than your girlfriend for over 2 years and wanting to be more to someone than they’ve allowed has eaten me from the inside. I have been to darker, lower and the most miserable places i have ever experienced. You know, because you have watched.
Up until now i have blamed myself. For being too emotional, sad, not being happy enough around you, bringing it up, letting my true feelings show. But i don’t blame myself anymore.
I don’t blame you either. You have not wanted the same things as me at the same time. I understand that.
But i have also learned the hard way that relationships are about compromise. When it’s necessary, sacrificing a little of what you want for the person you love. I haven’t compromised much. But the compromises i have made were big. And i made them because i knew that for our relationship to be stronger it was necessary to make some sacrifices.
Now my dream is to be your wife. to have that honour, that recognition that i’m more important to you than anything. For you to tell the world that it is me you want forever. But i’ve had to set aside that dream because it is not what you want right now.
You have in the past called me selfish. But i know i am not. I know that i have done everything i can for this relationship. I have made myself a fool, crazy, insane. You have seen it as a horrible thing watching me. But it was all because i wanted you so insanely much. i wanted our relationship to grow into something real and recognised.
now i have decided it’s time to think about me. Because i’ve given too much, compromised too much. I have allowed myself to give everything of me to this relationship. I only demanded one thing from this relationship. It was big but not life-changing or uprooting. the compromise you needed to make for me, you couldn’t do. And it has left me empty, feeling deflated, no longer passionate.
I don’t blame you. you need to think about you too. If it’s not right for you it’s important that you don’t do something you aren’t happy or sure about.
but i have given you enough time to think about it and there have been many beautiful and wonderful moments we have spent where love for you has swelled in my heart. We have been many places, shared many fun moments. but you haven’t felt like there was a good moment to tell me that i was so special to you that i would be yours forever.
So now i am leaving you. not because i’ve fallen out of love with you. but because i’ve decided it’s time to love myself a little more. I had given up on my jane austen happy ending. But suddenly i’ve decided i want it after all. And i think i deserve it.
I probably will never quite understand why you didn’t want to make me yours. I can only guess that my sadness stopped me being attractive. I certainly have felt like a burden to you, that i was a monetary cost you could do without. But I’ve decided that i want to be special to someone one day. so special i won’t have to wait for years for them to make me theirs. Someone who will give me my silly jane austen ending i’ve always wanted.
I know you’ll easily find someone that will love you. you’re very handsome and funny and charming. And as i remember from quite a few years ago, you are extremely romantic. I know the girl you choose will probably be much more suited to being your wife than i ever would be.
I know you told me you would ask me this year and really it’s madness, couldn’t i wait just a few more months? But i can’t wait. Maybe i was a waiting girl once, but it’s like waiting in line to a club and the bouncer isn’t letting you in. I don’t feel very important anymore.
Making me wait longer when you know i’m suffering inside has opened my eyes to the fact that i’ve waited long enough for you and now it’s time for me to stop waiting.