Post # 1
So, I had informed my mother who informed her side of the family on the status of our wedding (location, date etc.). Problem is, I find out just now that the person she’s been telling first (her sister) is someone my dad can’t stand. He’s already pretty wary of the wedding itself (finds it a complete waste of money, is pretty dubious about going in the first place), but if she goes, he’s not. Invitations haven’t been sent out, but it was pretty much implied she was going.
We can’t send her an invitation now since dad>aunt, but is there any sort of explanation I can give without causing drama?
Post # 3
Well the first thing I would do is talk to your dad. Make sure that it is, indeed, a deal-breaker for him if she comes. If you explain it to him and beg he might turn around.
If that doesn’t work then I’d talk to your mom about it because (I’m presuming) she knows her sister best and will know how best to bring it up.
That situation sucks. I’m sorry you are in it. It’s so dumb when adults refuse to act like adults.
Post # 4
I think your dad needs to not make this about him, and suck it up. I think he is being 100% unreasonable (unless she has either abused HIM, or done something illegal to him)
He doesn’t have to interact with her. Or speak to her, or even look at her. I would hope that attending your wedding is worth more to him then being in a room with someone he doesn’t care for.
Post # 5
I told my FI that his mom and dad (divorced for over 20 years) will have to play nice at our wedding, and that I will NOT put up with any bullshit from them. I don’t care if they’re not all smiles and sunshine, but civility is what I expect.
Post # 6
Thank you for the suggestions.
My dad has a very unorthodox idea of marriage ceremonies, so they’re not important to him and I know he has no problem skipping out on it (he basically finds marriage to be a private matter that’s no one else’s business including his, and ceremonies are a big waste of money). It’s been particularly difficult trying to even convince him to even verbally say he’ll come in the first place (which is why I plan on avoiding father & daughter dances and worry a little about walking down the aisle). I had found out about his dislike when he overheard me mentioning guests and that particular aunt, and gave me THE dirtiest look ever (I had never seen that before!). When my mom left the room, I was berated for inviting her.
I knew he disliked her due to her taking advantage of his hospitality (she is never invited into his house ever again), but this happened before I was born! I didn’t realize it would also affect being in the same room, and he bluntly me told me “if she goes, I don’t go.”
I don’t think he wanted my mom to know about this since he was whispering about it when she left, but I don’t see how this can be avoided. In hindsight, I should never have mentioned her. xD
Post # 7
It is time for dad to grow up and see that he can have his own opinions but that everyone else doesn’t have to share them. You need to stop enabling yor dad- he only gets away with behaviour like this because it is allowed by the people around him.
The fact that he is still holding a grudge 20 years on is pretty sad especially over something as petty as taking advantage of his hospitality. Only person to blame there is the person who lets themselves be taken advantage of!
I think you need to call your dads bluff especially since he sounds like he is likely to ditch the wedding over any old thing. By pandering to him you are confirming to him thathis behaviour is acceptable.
If he says he isn;t coming then calmly tell him you are sorry and disappointed that he feels that way and that you will miss him and the memories that you would make on the day.
Post # 8
It sounds like he is looking for any reason to not attend. Although this will be difficult, I would probably tell him that she has already been invited, and that if he can’t prioritize my happiness over her attendance, that he will be missed.
Even if you un-invite this aunt (which would be rude), it sounds like he still may not come (because he thinks it’s a private matter, or it’s a waste of money, or just because he is selfish [sorry, but he is]). Then you will be missing 2 people at your wedding, instead of just one.
Post # 9
I don’t want to bring dirty laundry onto a forum, but his reasons for disliking her due to what she’s done in the past are valid, and I don’t blame him for his grudge for what she did. While he no longer interacts with her, she still continues to “borrow” money from my mother (who ends up asking for assistance from my dad) to this day which is probably constantly renewing the fire.
You all raise good points, but in the end, he’s my dad and I’m still closer to him. A lot of our planning actually had him in mind from the start so he would feel more comfortable attending, but this is pretty much a curveball. I think I’ll give him some time to cool down, then have another talk with him. I’ll see how it goes from there, but I’d definitely be taking all options into consideration as I’d like to have as little friction as possible.
Post # 10
Just an update in case anyone was interested…
My mom, my fiance and I had a talk with my dad and after making multiple offers, pleads, and general insistence (aka we’re going to stay until he gives in), he finally gives up and agrees to come to the ceremony on the condition that the particular aunt does not attend.
My mom talked to her about the situation (they’re sisters), and from what she told me, she understood and took it well. I haven’t contacted her at all, but plan on sending her a thank you note + gift (from our honeymoon) for respecting my dad’s wishes.
While my dad was grumpy throughout the wedding process (didn’t want to go to the rehearsal, refused to rent a tux which was fine, he has suits he can wear), on the wedding day he was in good spirits and cooperated throughout the ceremony. He even danced with my mom on the dance floor! (I think hell froze over for a moment, so I made sure the photographer caught them in the act lol.) After the reception he told us we did a great job, and it was fun. Somehow it all worked out… phew!
Post # 11
@Milenah: Glad everything worked out for you!