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I feel your pain. My father died when I was 15, and my mother less than 2 years before I got married. (She died the month before I became engaged). This link helped me immensely.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-are-you-recognizing-a-deceased-parent
I am taking a break from doing my grades right now & must get back to that stat, but if you'd like more ideas, PM me, and I can give you some ideas that I incorporated. The best advice I got was to keep your deceased parents out of the reception--keep it light. Otherwise, you won't enjoy yourself. Hang in there-even without your parents, you still have the support of your FILs, familiy and friends. I shed a lot of tears over my parents before and during my wedding, but it was still the happiest day of my life.
((Hugs)) & Much Love,
~a fellow "orphan" (I got a lot of crap from my little sister for saying that!)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for putting things into perspective. I am very lucky to still have both of my parents and I've gotten annoyed with them at times but reading this reminds me how very lucky I am to have them both with me during this special time in my life.
Awww hon...You sound like a lovely young woman and I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful! Your parents would want you to be happy at this special time in your life. Honestly, when I read your post, I thought "at last, someone who gets what's important in life." Sometimes I shake my head when I read some of the brides on Weddingbee complaining about their parents during the wedding planning process. Yes, their vision and opinions may be different from the bride and groom's and may be annoying, but at least they have parents who probably just CARE about their little girl and want her to be happy. My husband passed away when my oldest son was in college. When my son got married a few years ago, my son lit a candle in memory of his dad and set it in front of me after I was seated for the ceremony. My second son is getting married this summer and will do something similar. Do you have grandparents or aunts and uncles who you can share your wedding excitement with? I wish you all the best and a long and happy marriage.
Hi,
I am very sorry for your loss. I really can't imagine what you are going through, but I just have to say that my mom died just one month before my daughter got married. I know it is her granddaughter, but I wanted my mom to be there with us, and you know--she and my dad were. I could very strongly feel their presence as I got to the wedding site. I believe they will be there with you. I know that I talked to my mom about my daughter's upcoming wedding, as she had a long illness, and we both knew that she would be there. Luckily both my mom's sisters were able to travel and come to the wedding, and that really helped me get through the reception, and we all really did have a wonderful time. I don't know what your beliefs are-but I believe that our connections with our loved ones don't really end. Best to you. Have a wonderful wedding!
Thank you, everyone, for your very kind responses so far. @ Eileen Marie, thanks for the link to that thread, which had some great ideas. And thank you everyone else for your ideas and for your well wishes. It's nice to be able to put my thoughts, emotions, and worries out there and not feel guilty about it-- it's very therapeutic!
Oh, sweety! I am so sorry, I wish your mom could be there for you too! Do you have any relatives you are close to? *HUGS* I hope everything goes well for you. I'm sure all your decisions are wonderful! I know at my cousin's wedding, we played a song for my Aunt who had passed away a few months before.
@Miss Lily, thanks for the hugs.
I wish I had other relatives I was very close to. My grandparents have all passed away, and I'm not particularly close with many of my aunts and uncles.
The one upside to being an "orphan future bride", as I often joke with my FI and BMs, is that I am only inviting the family members that I am actually close to and see on a regular basis, since I don't have anyone forcing my hand to invite great-aunt Mildred or something. :)
I totally feel you, my dad passed when I was 3 and my mother well, she's been married and divorced 3 times and she doesnt believe in marriages, she has not yet asked me even once for help planning anything at all. When I asked her to come with me to try on wedding gowns I practically had to drag her with me. Just remember that even though your parents arent here physically, they are definately here in spirit.
Since my dad isnt here to walk me down the aisle I am ordering this really cute ribbon to tie on my bouqet and im going to put my dad's picture in it so he will be with me when I walk down the aisle, here's the link for it, its only $12!
http://shop.getmarried.com/catalog/search.cmd?keyword=square+memory+bouquet+frames&x=0&y=0
I'm so sorry!
Have you really told your FI how hard this is for you? Because I agree with you, you probably don't want to say "at least you have parents", when he is just expressing his emotions honestly (which most of us want to encourage!). But if he knows how much trouble you're having, how torn up you are, he might put his situation into perspective by himself, and more importantly, he can help support you even more than he is already.
The only other thing I can think of to suggest is to try writing letters to your mom in a journal, to share your planning process and to enjoy the relationship you had with her, does that make sense? I don't know if I'm expressing this right. Anyway, this is really tough and my thoughts are with you.
Aww your post is very heart wrenching. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. It is true that no one can replace your parents. The only thing I could think of that might help you a little is to talk to some of their living relatives- their sisters, brothers (your aunts, uncles) or even their parents (your grandparents) or close friends. Talk to them about your parents and maybe they will have some stories to share about your parents that might in some small way make you feel like they are there with you. Maybe they even talked to some of these people about marriage or their hopes for you in life.
Your FH sounds great. Perhaps you could tell him how hard this is for you to not have your parents around. I live 5 hours (by plane) away from my parents and have found myself missing them- of course it doesn't compare to not having them in my life- but I think your FH would choose his words more carefully if you said how it made you feel when he talked about missing his parents. In a sense, he might understand more how you feel when he thinks about how he feels just by living far from them.
I truly hope you have an amazing wedding day. Your post has made me feel more grateful.
My dad passed away 3 years ago, and it was really hard not having him there with me. My mom was there, and I know we don't have the same situation, but I do know a little of what you're going through.
I spent a lot of time in tears, and my husband helped a lot by listening and not getting mad when I got frustrated and took my pain out on him. It wasn't easy.
We mentioned him in the program and also had a memorial candle at the reception with his photo.
My in-laws were really supportive, but it got hard when Husband's sister told me that I could do a father-daughter dance with her dad or the guy who walked me down the aisle, and I had to explain that it isn't the same. Or telling me that I could share their dad now. She was trying to be sweet, but it still hurt.
I don't know if any advice that I offer will help, but here goes: don't be afraid to think about how it will feel to not have them there. I tried to not think about my dad too much, but in some ways, he was always there in the back of my mind that day. I had a few people telling me how proud he would have been of me that day, and in some ways that was especially painful. I mean, I liked that they felt he would have been proud, but at the same time, it was just hard.
Good luck, and know that you can turn to all of us Bees!
I'm having to face the reality of having my wedding without my grandmother there. I can't imagine one without my parents. Big hugs to you.
I'd definitely take a look at the link that eileen marie posted. It has some great tips and ideas. While it won't take the pain away, it'll be a nice way to remember them on such a special day.
Your post just made me cry. I am so sorry that you feel that way, about something that is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. You are absolutely right--no one cares for you as much as your parents.
Although I am not close with my mother (she is addicted to drugs, and kicked me out of the house when I was 17, mostly because she couldn't "handle" me. Meaning it would just be easier on her not to have to take care of someone anymore.) I still know that my mother loves me more than anyone I know. Since then she has cleaned up a bit more, (not fully clean), and has realize how much of a rift that incident has caused between us and has tried to make it right ever since. My aunt and uncle took me in and have played the role of parents to me since that happened, but I still know in my heart if if came down to it, my mom would support me NO MATTER WHAT I did, or what decision I make. Hell, I could kill someone and my mom would be on my side. And my dad, well, I never had one.
I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, but I wanted to tell you that I know what you mean. I am very sorry that you can't share your day with your parents, but I hope you can find some solice in knowing that they helped you get to where you are today and that was all that mattered to them. Although I don't know you, I think it's safe to say that you are a happy, in love, successful individual in your life. I don't know you, or what you do for a living, but I know that you are successful in finding that one person that you want to share your life with, and to me, that's the ultimate success in life. I'm sure your parents would be exstatic to know that you are that in love and that happy and that they helped you get to this point. They would want nothing more than your happiness. I'm sure it would bring tears to your mothers eyes. I'm not sure what your belief is as far as religion, God, afterlife, etc... but I will tell you what I believe. Althought I wouldn't call it "heaven," I believe that the spirit lives on. Your parents are out there SOMEWHERE, and whether they're "looking down on you" or simply feeling your energy, they know that you are happy. And they know that you miss them. But more importantly that you have succeeded, and I believe that because of that, they are overcome with joy and are beyond proud of their little girl.
I know I don't know you, but your post really did make me cry. Although my paren't aren't gone, I still feel like I am apart from my mother and that I can not fully share my happiness with her in the way I would like. I hope that you know that you still share that with your parents everyday that you wake up to live your life with your loved one. I hope that the feelings that your feeling now don't intrude on your wedding day, and that you are as happy as you can possibly be. (HUG)
awww... you guys are making me cry! im so sorry Ms terrapin...
there is noting really i can say to make you feel better or help you out through this hard moment, but they are there with you..and they will be always with you...
i miss my grandfather a lot...have ever happened to you to smell flowers when there are no flowers in the room you are in? well it happens to me pretty often, and i like to believe that that is my granfather sitting next to me...
im sure your mom and dad are soooo proud of you...
Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here. It's nice to hear from other people who feel the same way. After writing this thread, I cried it out for a long while and felt a lot better. Though my FI sometimes makes fun of my time spent on the WB boards, it is nice to have this kind of support, so thanks, Bees.
I'm also excited because I finally found a frame for my parents wedding photo, which I am going to have displayed at the reception (it's so deliciously 70's. My mom has a flower crown in her hair and my Dad is rocking a 70's mustache and a checked suit). Working to find small ways to include them in the process and my wedding day has meant a lot to me.
I'm sorry MsT. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}! That post made me cry. I'm glad you at least have a nice set of in-laws. I think this will also help a lot of other bees put some things into perspective, after a day battling with mom over finances, favors or dresses.
Good luck.
Ms. T, I am sorry that your parents won't be there in person, but I know they will be there in spirit. It is a wonderful gesture to display there wedding photo at your reception. I know you parents are so proud of and happy for you! You are in my thoughts lady!
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Planning a wedding makes me realize even more how much I miss my parents, especially my Mom. My dad passed away when I was 7, and my mom died when I was 21 (I'm 26 now). And now I am planning my wedding, it kills me that I don't have my mom there to help me, or to care about how everything is going. I think the hardest thing for me since losing my mom is the realization hitting home that no one cares about you like your parents do. I have wonderful friends who care about me very much, but it's just not the same. Other people are excited for you, but my wedding is not the center of anyone's world the way I think it would have been for my mom, who I know would have loved to help me plan it. I know she would have been proud and excited. I am sure I would be posting things about how she was driving me crazy in the planning process, but I would give my right arm to have her here driving me crazy.
My FILs are very wonderful people and have been so good to me in the 8 years my FI and I have been together. They are contributing financially to the wedding and seem very excited. But it's just not the same. And I try not to get to upset with my FI when he talks about how hard it is for him now that both of his parents live out of state and he doesn't get to see them often. I know that is hard for him, but I have to bite back saying "at least you HAVE your parents." My feelings about my mom are not usually this acute, but I think wedding planning has magnified it, especially when vendors ask about my parents (ie- father daughter dance, "what does your mom think about your dress?" etc)
This just feels like something that parents are supposed to be there for, and it feels like a part of this whole process is missing for me. Has anyone else lost parents and feel the same way? How did you honor the memory of your parents in your wedding?