Post # 1
Ok so history, I’m 31 been married before and in a serious relationship before that. Been with my now SO for 2 years. We live together with my 2 children (1 from my marriage, 1 from the other relationship).
I married young. He proposed after just 5 months and I had just come out of a bad breakup with my daughters father. I was just caught in the excitement and didn’t really think things through. Naturally, it didn’t work out. It was my decision to leave, even though my son was under a year old. I was a single mother of 2 living alone and supporting my kids myself – hard but worth it. I grew up in those 4 years and learned a lot about myself in that time.
Then I started dating my current SO. We took it steady for the first year, no pressure or expectations. I introduced him to my kids after around 6 months and we moved in as a family 1 year ago.
My daughter sees her father every weekend. He’s great with her. My son doesn’t see his dad often at all as his father lives in Czech Republic and we’re in England. He did have a visit with the whole family in Ireland last weekend though.
My daughter’s father just got married 2 weeks ago. I’m very happy for them, and they have 3 kids together. My son’s father got married again in July this year. My son came back from his visit and has just told me that he is going to have another brother or sister.
While I would not wish to be with either of my kids father’s, I can’t help but be a little jealous that their lives are moving forward at a quicker pace than mine. I now consider myself a waiting bee, and although I know it’s coming I don’t know when (my mental timeline is next December [3 year anniversary] to have a talk with him if he hasn’t asked by then). I guess it’s just a bit of a blow. My ex really is an idiot (he makes no effort to visit or support his son most off the time, but I vowed never to be the one to refuse contact – my own mother did that and my father committed suicide when I was 16 – there’s always been some resentment since) so why do my exes get their fairytale endings? And where does that leave my son? Will his dad forget about him more than usual now he’s going to have a baby at home to think about.
I doubt there’s advice out there for this situation. Just wanted to share my crappy news.
Post # 3
@aprilnewbee: Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this.
Your timeline for talking about this is NEXT DECEMBER?!? That is WAY WAY to long to wait I think. If you want to get married, you need to sit down with your SO, have a talk, and tell him how you are feeling.
I will say this though–This story includes tidbits about your ex’s getting married. You should want to marry your SO because he is a wonderful man and a good fit for your family….not just because your ex’s moved on and got married.
I know it’s hard to not compare yourself to other people but I strongly encourage you to just make sure that the reason you want to marry is because the time is right and not because you are secretly jealous.
If you do want to marry the man you are living with, my best advice is to talk to your man, and not just ‘hope’ for an engagement for the next year because this could cause some serious resentment to come up. Try and get a timeline.
Stay strong and good luck!
Post # 4
SO and I discussed the future before moving in. I have kids so it was important that all that was laid out before so we didn’t have differing expectations. We both knew that we will marry in the future, he just wants the proposal and everything to be on his terms, since I will be planning the actual wedding. Also given that I’ve been married before we made a conscious decision not to rush anything. We made sure we were certain about each other before we moved in, and since both of us have lived alone for 4 years prior to moving in, we agreed that we would see how the first year went and how well the family adjusted before considering marriage. Now that the first year is up, we’re happy and committed to our joint future we know that the next step is to get married. My December timeline is how long I’m giving him in my head to propose (and I KNOW he will well before then) before I tell him to get a move on.
For me this news has just brought on my impatience. I’m just having a bratty “when’s it gonna be my turn?” moment. SO and I are fantastic together and I love our little family. Im just impatient for the inevitable
Post # 5
@veryberry13: +1 Well said.
I get what you’re saying about being envious a little that they’ve moved on and you feel you haven’t progressed to that next level yet. Those girls aren’t any better than you are. You’ll drive yourself crazy always comparing yourself to others. Try to just focus on your life & don’t worry about what your exes, your neighbors, your coworkers, etc are doig or accomplishing. You can’t control anyone but yourself, so just worry about how to make your family the best for your son and try not to worry about what his dad may or may not do. If he’s a bad dad there’s nothing you can do about him, but you can make your son feel special and hopefully his future stepdad will too.