About to deliver twins and asking my sister in law to move out.

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Honestly, I think you just need to put your foot down about what is important to you. Be polite and understanding, but 100% firm. Clearly your SIL is in the position of just drifting and won’t move out or get work unless she is pushed into taking action. So you need to a set a specific date for her moving out deadline and make no exceptions. Maybe put aside some money for her to move with if you can afford to be generous. In the worst case scenario, tell her she can come back again a few months after the babies are born. You may appreciate the help at that point!

It can’t hurt to point out to your husband that this whole situation is stressing you out and stress is not a good thing for a pregnant lady. There is nothing wrong with wanting some time alone with the babies after giving birth, even if you love and care for your SIL. I honestly think it will be better for her if she is pushed to find work too. She needs to be thinking about school costs and retirement on top of being able to earn a living wage. And if she starts looking at her phone again, tell her to please put it down and listen. That is seriously rude and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.

Post # 3
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

fresitachulita:  i work at a housing pro bono clinic and i find government housing every day for people without jobs. literally every day. does she not qualify for benefits? social housing? a women’s residence for women with kids trying to get on their feet? 

it doesn’t matter that they have you – that shouldn’t prejudice her against receiving services. I never ask my clients ‘do you have a family member you could live with?’. your husband needs to make an appointment at the local council (city hall, whatever) and take his sister and see what’s available to her. 

otherwise – where are your husband’s parents? can she stay with them? friends? 

this is craziness – you certainly don’t want them in an unsafe environment, but i would be telling my husband to figure.it.out. because i’m about to have twins and want some peace and quiet before the delivery and privacy after. 

also – depending on your jurisdiction, she can divorce him even though he can’t be found to serve papers to.

Post # 4
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I was in a similar situation with my best friend. I told her she had to go as soon as I got pregnant with us starting to try 3 months after she moved in. Well we got lucky the first real try and she is still here. I’m now 20 weeks along, but we put our foot down and she’s leaving next week. I’m sorry you are in this situation and that you feel stuck. I for one think you’re a saint for letting them stay as long as you have. my pregnancy hormones make EVERYTHING ten times more annoying so her presence has been grating on my nerves!!

Post # 5
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

peonyinlove:  I agree there’s gotta be somewhere else the sil can go it just may not be as convenient as you and your husband are making it. Cousin, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, friend?

I know I sound cold but trust me when I say if you kick her out today that she would find a place to lay her head. 

Please don’t think you’re being mean or selfish, if anything you’ve been selfless to give up the time for you and your husband to be intimate in your marriage. And I’m certain there are aspects of your marriage where your SIL is at the center of your conflict. 

My suggestion give her a clear timeline to move and start charging her rent. If she doesn’t pay then she’s gotta go. Make it uncomfortable for her.  Change the locks if you have to so the only way she can be in the house is if one of you let her in. Also you and your husband need to maintain a unified front none of this good cop bad cop. We want you to leave. 

Op I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but at least you know now what to do when the next person comes to your doorstep looking for a hand out. 

Post # 7
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

fresitachulita:  I wish you the best on this. I even had a hard time telling a friend they could not spend the night, because I had things to do and needed space to think.

Post # 8
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

fresitachulita:  I retract my statement with this additional information.  Forget about telling your SIL to move, you move with your husband and don’t tell them where you live.  Sorry but that was my initial reaction to the drama you’re dealing with.  I’m sure it’s not been helpful for you or the babies.  

On a serious note: The only other suggestion I have is taking her down to the housing department and walking her through the process to get her own place.  Fine she doesn’t want to move her daughter during the school year.  Then the goal should be between July and early August to encourage her to get a job and apartment.   

Hugs to you either way.

 

Post # 9
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

God this really sucks.   But I second PPs…your husband and you need to provide a united front on kicking them out of the house. Its not mean…they are freeloading right now and will continue to freeload (and act helpless) because its easier than applying and getting housing assistance.  

 

Post # 10
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Nope, I would not put up with this.  FI’s siblings already have a knack of “crashing” on peoples’ couches and staying for a “short while.” I’ve already had the talk with him that anyone is allowde to crash on our couch if they are drunk or are in a dier situation but I will not let anyone stay in my house more than two days unless they are out of town guests.   At this point in your life I would tell your husband that either they move out or you and the babies will go stay somewhere less crowded, like a hotel or something.  No new mother should have to live with her in-laws and twins in a three bedroom house.  It is just to crowded and will get to crazy.  You deserve more than that.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

Post # 11
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

No way would I allow these squatters to stay in my house any longer. There comes a time when every adult needs to be repsponsible for themselves and their children (if applicable). It sounds like she’s had adequate oppertunity to get back on her feet but she has chosen not to because mooching off of you and your husband is easier. Well, if it were me, she’d find herself homeless. It’s unfortunate that there is a kid involved but I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses the niece as a bargaining chip to keep a roof over their heads. She’s the mother. She needs to step up and figure her shit out. Countless women find themselves in the same situation and they’re able to straighten out their lives for the sake of their children. Honestly, I have very little respect for people like your SIL and there is NO way that I would allow her irresponsibility to negatively impact your life any longer. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  ilovebacon.
Post # 12
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

 

fresitachulita:  I would be going crazy if I was having twins and didn’t have my house to myself, even a single baby. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand how you’re feeling and doesn’t seem like he’s going to kick his sister out any time soon. It’s his family so he doesn’t feel the need for them to leave. And you don’t want to be even more stress and uncomfortable when the babies come. I would maybe make a point and if you can, stay at your parent’s house a couple of weeks after babies are born. That way you can have your space, if it’s just your parents there and FI would understand how serious you are about needing your space. If not, doesn’t seem like there’s much you cab do since he didn’t see a problem with her staying there and your SIL is clearly not going to help herself. 

Post # 13
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Geez. This is crazy and I feel for you. I don’t know how you’ve kept your cool this long.I would maybe take her to a shelter for women and children? They would then be able to offer her the social services she needs (help getting a job, etc).

With that said, I do think some names and labels being used by some bees are a bit much. I also come from a multi-cultural family and in other cultures what you are describing is actually normal/ok. Families are more tightly knit and having 10+ people over one roof is not an issue. In some Eastern cultures it is even seen as a blessing and is super fulfilling.

NOT saying this should be fulfilling for you. LOL. Just pointing out that we can all sometimes have very narrow perspective of what “normal” or “doable” is.

Post # 15
Member
7285 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

That isnt fair to you OP. Your hubby is dropping the ball big time. His priority needs to be your expanding family. And not on his iresponsible sister who he is enabling.

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