about to marry a guy who dumped me twice. now i feel resentful. thoughts?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

barbgordon:  Eh, IDK The first time it seemed you moved rather quickly, he probably wasn’t ready to hop into a relationship. however he liked you. What should have happened is he gave himself some time to really get over his ex. I think given the time line from the break up and the 2 break-ups its kind of forgiveable? He was also with her for 4 years- thats a long time to be with someone and then just miraculously move on. 

You need to decide right now if you can accept what has happened in the past and truly move on to a nice future with him ( no more being resentful!) and if not, cut him lose. I personally think it is a little forgiveable. Not every relationship starts out like a rom com.

 Also, maybe just express your fears with him/ maybe do some couples therapy? Might help.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 3
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

I can understand how to our feel. I would suggest a long engagement. At LEAST two years. If things continue to go well then it’s a good chance it won’t happen again. 

 

I really wouldn’t suggest rushing into marriage though. I don’t feel like you’ve given him enough time to earn your trust back. 

Post # 4
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

My worry would be that the ex will always be on his mind. If my husband ever stated he still had feelings for his ex when we were dating it would have been over in a heartbeat. I give 100 % to my relationships. The man should too. It’s not 50/50 but 100 % on both sides.

Post # 5
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

The feelings you have are understandable, and my advice would be to talk with your fiancé. Tell him these 3 let-downs shook your trust and that you are scared he will do this again and how he hurt your feelings. Communicate with each other, tell him what is important to you, what you expect out of marriage and ask him about his expectations. It takes time to know each other and to build a steady foundation out of experience, I would say it would be a good idea to have a good long engagement before going through with the wedding. It could be like you said; he was in a very bad space two years ago, but the concerns you have are not without ground, he did treat you badly.

Post # 6
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

barbgordon:  I am with MrsCallalily in that you should have a long, long engagement. You say that you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, or you worry that you’re making the wrong choice, and you harbor resentment. If you have a long engagement, you will see if he sticks around this time, or if indeed the other shoe does theoretically drop. This will also help ease your resentment over time, as he shows you more and more how wonderful he is (based on what you’ve said) and you should feel more comfortable in the choice you’ve made to marry him.

It’s my opinion that you should NEVER marry someone you’re harboring resentments over, or questioning your decision to stay with that person. Until you can get over those resentments and he can prove to you that he’s in it for the long haul, I would hold off on the actual vows.

Post # 8
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think there is potential for you to get past this…but definitely slow things down. I had a two and a half year engagement and I highly recommend it. I knew right away that I wanted to marry my DH but we wanted to pay for our wedding ourselves so we took the time to save. We had no idea that we would need all that time to work on “us”. Turns out I had a lot of resentment about the way he treated me when we first started seeing each other. Anyway, I recommend a long engagement because 2.5 years isn’t ridiculously long but long enough to work things out. Marriage didn’t change anything for us so if I were you I wouldn’t be too concerned about it, and just spend more time together and see what happens. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

barbgordon:  I had to say this to my one of my past boyfriends, “You wont do something to hurt her even though it hurts me?” Looking back that should have been the moment I walked out. Similar to you, I was the rebound girl and he professed his undying love for me and was talking about marriage a few weeks after we started dating. 

But in every situation that he had to chose me or her (my feelings or hers), she always won. (Or I won after lots of tears and anger and he reluctantly chose me).

Please trust your gut. If it is telling you he is still hung up on her, then he probably still is. I’m sure the other times, when it’s all just about you, everything is fine. But if she is in the picture, you will always lose. 

UGH–just had one of those horrible memories. One day (while stuck in a car on a long road trip) ex was super cranky-distant. After 8 hours of not talking to me, he finally confessed he was “sad because it would have been him and her’s 5 year anninversary that day”. Imagine being stuck in a car for another few hours with that hanging there. (and we still had 3 more days until we got home).

Post # 11
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

barbgordon:  A year is not very long at all, especially if 8 months ago he was still very much in “defend the ex and defend her position in my life” mode. I would definitely slow things down and not proceed to marriage plans for a good while longer. And I would make sure your engagement is a decent length as well. A year vs a four year relationship where twice he broke things off because he still wanted her is not really a long enough time at all to feel confident.

I think it is totally possible he is fully committed to you now and that you can get past it! But really you just need time to tell, so allow for that time to pass!

Post # 13
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

I was all for going ahead with the relationship till you put the part that he said he wasnt going to delete the ex. If he knows something makes you uncomfortable and he still does it that’s not respecting your relationship. You need to talk and put down clear boundries when it comes to her, if he doesn’t agree he probably isn’t ready to be married to you.

Post # 14
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

barbgordon:  I can understand how hard it is to let go of past hurts and living in fear that something will happen again. I struggle with it too.

I guess my best advice is to talk to him and be very honest and ask him to remove anything and anyone who makes you uncomfortable – including the ex. When I’ve had to forgive things in the past, all that helped me was that the other person was willing to do what I needed to move on. If he hadn’t, I would never have been able to get over the hurt. Plus I find it’s a choice. When I get stuck reliving the past I have to physically tell myself to stop since nothing I do can change things that are over. 

Post # 15
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

sway0060:  +1. The ex needs to go from his social media pages and he needs to ensure there is no contact. If he won’t do, I would really wonder why.

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