(Closed) About to meltdown,,, again

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you need to calm down a little bit here… you guys haven’t even been together for two years. He probably just wants you guys to have a little more money before you start thinking about dropping money on food, a DJ, dresses, tuxes, etc. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. It doesn’t mean he’s never going to ask. ๐Ÿ™‚ Just enjoy each day and take each day as it comes… ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

No need to have a meltdown.  You’re with him – that’s what counts.  I understand the want (or need to get married in some cases), but it’s not the end of the world because there’s no ring on the finger.  Relax and enjoy your time together.  Don’t push him or he will eventually be completely distant.  Let him figure out when the best time is.

Post # 5
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Even in this day and age, many guys feel like they have to be financially solid to get engaged and plan a wedding.  If you think about it (and read a few threads here and there), you’ll realize that this is smart. 

If you both aren’t in jobs that you see as long-term, is it smart to plan a wedding right now?


It’s easy for us to say we don’t care about money or material things, but some (many?) men feel pressure to have their financial ducks in a row with stable jobs if they are going to marry.

My brother is in finace and got engaged during the dot com boom.  The bubble burst when he was newly married and his anxiety level went through the roof, even though his wife was working freelance and they had unemployement (those things didn’t equal what he was making, but it was enough for them to pay their expenses). 

My advice: don’t torture yourself with a wedding date.  You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Post # 6
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you’re both older and he has a full-time job, how are the finances going to be any different when you get married?  I realize that the wedding part would be an added expense but if you both want to get married now, you can elope and have a formal ceremony later.  I also agree with @brideatbeach: guys usually worry much more about the finances of getting married before they propose than women do.  

Going from your last sentence, it seems like you’re feeling pressured to compete with your friend which is not fair to do to yourself.  I would bring stuff like that up to my Fiance before we got engaged and he would just say, “Yes, but we’re going to be SMART about this and not be dead broke when we get married.”

Post # 7
153 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot for the moment. 

Have you thought about maybe getting a “temporary” ring thats a lot cheaper, but you could still move forward with the wedding? And then you can upgrade in a few years? (if the money situation has to do with the ring itself)

I hope you get a job soon, its rough out there right now for everyone ๐Ÿ™ but keep your chin up and something will come along.

Good luck girl!!!



Post # 8
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I totally relate to your story. I’m 28 and will be 29 next year. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together a year and a half and I’m definitely itching to get married. I have a steady job right now (but looking for a better one) and my BF is working at a restaurant (but looking for a steady office job).  I know we’re not ready to get married, although I wouldn’t want a huge ceremony and I’m going to use my grandmother’s ring as an engagement ring.

What put it in perspective was thinking about buying a house. I was contemplating buying a house next year but all the houses I like are a little out of my price range and the thought of a commitment like that with my job the way it is (could be closing my branch next year) would be too much. I decided to wait and save up my money so when I bought my house it would be the RIGHT time.

Then it dawned on me…why am I realizing it’s good to wait for the right time to buy a house but not realizing it about marriage? Marriage is a huger commitment and I need to save money and put myself in a better financial situation and my Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to be there too so we have the best shot possible. If it takes a couple more years, then fine.

I think you need to relax about this and put all your energy into getting a job. Your SO said that was one of the must-haves you need to do before you get engaged. So, focus on that instead of the wedding. Once you have that, you can bring up the wedding date again.

Post # 9
3303 posts
Sugar bee

My Fiance had a “crappy” job situation before he proposed and I refused to let that stop us, mainly because I was working full time and we were living together, established a family. My Fiance proposed this year and literally a month later he got a better job offer and has been interviewing with other positions as well. There is nothing wrong (in my opinion) with getting engaged and waiting until the job situation settled to get married but I am also one to have “long” engagements (like 2 years long) without batting an eye. My engagement will be 19 months long and I am thankful for the time- saving and making wedding choices has been a bit tedious.

Post # 11
74 posts
Worker bee

@annasaf83: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I identify. Earlier on in my relationship with SO I had been laid off from a very good job and his work hours got cut (during the height of the economy crash). Marriage was no where near being a discussion. Time passed and then it was about me and him finding better jobs again. Well…we did that and he had another job hiccup recently (as in the past couple weeks). Although he is still employed…it seems like no matter what finances are an issue. It’s like the excuse of $ or jobs will always be there and you can’t plan your whole life around your salary range. It seems as if he wants to marry you, so I would suggest hanging in there a bit longer to see if you find a job and if his job situation changes. If so, then you can bring up the wedding date convo. again, as not to push it too much too soon. Hope that helps, but I definitely have been in those shoes.

Post # 12
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think you should be meltdown-y, but I would stick to my guns. Have you thought about taking a job outside your degree? Regardless of the situation with Fiance, in this economy you might have to settle for something less than ideal for now. (I’m not saying do this for him–the advice would be double if you were single.)

I’d set a deadline in your head. Tell yourself, if he hasn’t asked by ______, I’m going to move out/break up/whatever. There’s nothing wrong with needing marriage. There’s nothing wrong with insisting upon marriage. You aren’t entitled to his proposing, but neither is he entitled to have you stick around indefinitly without any forward progress on that front, if that’s really what you want.

Post # 13
4 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I understand completely. My fiance and I had talked everything marriage and wedding related since we had been together only a few months. But with a surprise pregnancy (that is one of the best things to ever happen to us), and me being a full time nursing student, it just never seemed like the “right” time. We’ve had friends that have been together years less than us ( including my soon to be sister in law, whom has only been dating her fiance for less than a year) I was getting horribly itchy! When he finally proposed (after 4 years) I about fell over! My ring is small, but it is perfect. Our wedding is going to be inexpensive, but what we want. Coming from me, when the timing is right, it will happen. And when it does, it will feel perfect. Don’t stress about it now. I had also gotten so frustrated when we would go to impromptu weddings. And by that I mean those that had been short relationships, and short engagements. Enjoy your time together, and know that because it is something you both want, no matter when it happens, it will be when it was meant to be.

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