Post # 1
hello all, I’ve only been official here for like 3 weeks and I’ve had 2 meltdowns… this is not good. SO and I were driving around randomly (a favorite pasttime of ours) and I ended up bringing up possible wedding dates (all in 2012 and before my 29th birthday) I had thought that doing a Sunday Brunch reception would be cheaper and our dating anniversary in 2012 is on a Sunday(October 14th). I figured that would be perfect. He doesn’t agree because there is a possibility of him working weekends in the months of January, April, July and October, and the 15th of these months being the worst time for him, so we ended up agreeing on September 14th (the day we met) which is a Friday in 2012. He likes the idea of a Friday day ceremony and reception, I think it would be cheaper than an evening so it’s ok. We discussed other details of our future wedding, he basically said it was my day and it was up to me he just wanted to have some good music, so I told him he’s picking out the DJ, but we’ll work on the music list together (he’s totally country, and I’m a little bit of everything… I want a nice mix of music). The planning seemed to be going well, minus the ring. So I asked him if we were seriously planning this, and if September 14th 2012 was our date. He said that we shouldn’t plan anything without the ring. I said something about well when is the ring going to be here? and he said that we’re not financially ready for an engagement yet. He won’t propose until either I have a full time job, or he has a raise or a new/better paying job. I ended up crying. He had just promised me last week that I wouldn’t have to wait years for an engagement, and now he’s saying that it depends on our work situation. It’s not like I’m not looking for jobs, trust me I am. I’ve chosen a tough profession (Computer Graphics) to get into, and he’s chosen a tough profession in general (Finance). Sigh, I don’t want to wait to get married. I know we’d be completely broke if we got married now, but it just depresses me that he wants to wait indefinitely until we have better jobs. This economy sucks, and the job market sucks even more. Sigh, anyone have any advice on how to wait until the job situation changes? Oh and btw, another good friend is talking marriage with her SO, and it seems like he’s either gonna propose or ask her to marry him, today or very soon. And they’ve only been together for 10 months, whereas it’s 21 and a half months for me and SO.
Post # 3
I think you need to calm down a little bit here… you guys haven’t even been together for two years. He probably just wants you guys to have a little more money before you start thinking about dropping money on food, a DJ, dresses, tuxes, etc. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. It doesn’t mean he’s never going to ask. 🙂 Just enjoy each day and take each day as it comes… 🙂
Post # 4
No need to have a meltdown. You’re with him – that’s what counts. I understand the want (or need to get married in some cases), but it’s not the end of the world because there’s no ring on the finger. Relax and enjoy your time together. Don’t push him or he will eventually be completely distant. Let him figure out when the best time is.
Post # 5
Even in this day and age, many guys feel like they have to be financially solid to get engaged and plan a wedding. If you think about it (and read a few threads here and there), you’ll realize that this is smart.
If you both aren’t in jobs that you see as long-term, is it smart to plan a wedding right now?
It’s easy for us to say we don’t care about money or material things, but some (many?) men feel pressure to have their financial ducks in a row with stable jobs if they are going to marry.
My brother is in finace and got engaged during the dot com boom. The bubble burst when he was newly married and his anxiety level went through the roof, even though his wife was working freelance and they had unemployement (those things didn’t equal what he was making, but it was enough for them to pay their expenses).
My advice: don’t torture yourself with a wedding date. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Post # 6
If you’re both older and he has a full-time job, how are the finances going to be any different when you get married? I realize that the wedding part would be an added expense but if you both want to get married now, you can elope and have a formal ceremony later. I also agree with @brideatbeach: guys usually worry much more about the finances of getting married before they propose than women do.
Going from your last sentence, it seems like you’re feeling pressured to compete with your friend which is not fair to do to yourself. I would bring stuff like that up to my Fiance before we got engaged and he would just say, “Yes, but we’re going to be SMART about this and not be dead broke when we get married.”
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot for the moment.
Have you thought about maybe getting a “temporary” ring thats a lot cheaper, but you could still move forward with the wedding? And then you can upgrade in a few years? (if the money situation has to do with the ring itself)
I hope you get a job soon, its rough out there right now for everyone 🙁 but keep your chin up and something will come along.
Good luck girl!!!
Post # 8
I totally relate to your story. I’m 28 and will be 29 next year. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together a year and a half and I’m definitely itching to get married. I have a steady job right now (but looking for a better one) and my BF is working at a restaurant (but looking for a steady office job). I know we’re not ready to get married, although I wouldn’t want a huge ceremony and I’m going to use my grandmother’s ring as an engagement ring.
What put it in perspective was thinking about buying a house. I was contemplating buying a house next year but all the houses I like are a little out of my price range and the thought of a commitment like that with my job the way it is (could be closing my branch next year) would be too much. I decided to wait and save up my money so when I bought my house it would be the RIGHT time.
Then it dawned on me…why am I realizing it’s good to wait for the right time to buy a house but not realizing it about marriage? Marriage is a huger commitment and I need to save money and put myself in a better financial situation and my Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to be there too so we have the best shot possible. If it takes a couple more years, then fine.
I think you need to relax about this and put all your energy into getting a job. Your SO said that was one of the must-haves you need to do before you get engaged. So, focus on that instead of the wedding. Once you have that, you can bring up the wedding date again.
Post # 9
My Fiance had a “crappy” job situation before he proposed and I refused to let that stop us, mainly because I was working full time and we were living together, established a family. My Fiance proposed this year and literally a month later he got a better job offer and has been interviewing with other positions as well. There is nothing wrong (in my opinion) with getting engaged and waiting until the job situation settled to get married but I am also one to have “long” engagements (like 2 years long) without batting an eye. My engagement will be 19 months long and I am thankful for the time- saving and making wedding choices has been a bit tedious.
Post # 10
thanks everyone! I have been looking for jobs, actually for almost 3 years now. (and I’ve known SO for 2 of those years.) It’s tough looking in the graphics field. I’ve been doing freelance work (meeting with a new client tomorrow in fact) but it isn’t enough to pay the bills so I’m also a part time Nanny (for a 13 year old girl, who probably doesn’t need a nanny) if I were full time I’d be able to move out on my own (or SO and I would be able to get a decent place together) I don’t want to give up on my degree in Graphics (I spent $50k to get it) but I also don’t want to be 30 when I get married. I was diagnosed with a fertility problem when I was 22, and SO and I do want to have children (eventually, I don’t want them yet, but I want the option to be there and I feel like the closer I get to 30 the less likely I will be able to conceive ever.) I have all these thoughts and worries in my head and time is not on my side. (And I am one of those neurotic people who worry about time and must arrive 15 mins early to things lol) I’m just stressed, and one friend is engaged, another is probably going to be engaged before the end of the year, and I feel like what about me? I want to start building my life with SO, not waiting for things to fall into place 🙁
Post # 11
@annasaf83: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I identify. Earlier on in my relationship with SO I had been laid off from a very good job and his work hours got cut (during the height of the economy crash). Marriage was no where near being a discussion. Time passed and then it was about me and him finding better jobs again. Well…we did that and he had another job hiccup recently (as in the past couple weeks). Although he is still employed…it seems like no matter what finances are an issue. It’s like the excuse of $ or jobs will always be there and you can’t plan your whole life around your salary range. It seems as if he wants to marry you, so I would suggest hanging in there a bit longer to see if you find a job and if his job situation changes. If so, then you can bring up the wedding date convo. again, as not to push it too much too soon. Hope that helps, but I definitely have been in those shoes.
Post # 12
I don’t think you should be meltdown-y, but I would stick to my guns. Have you thought about taking a job outside your degree? Regardless of the situation with Fiance, in this economy you might have to settle for something less than ideal for now. (I’m not saying do this for him–the advice would be double if you were single.)
I’d set a deadline in your head. Tell yourself, if he hasn’t asked by ______, I’m going to move out/break up/whatever. There’s nothing wrong with needing marriage. There’s nothing wrong with insisting upon marriage. You aren’t entitled to his proposing, but neither is he entitled to have you stick around indefinitly without any forward progress on that front, if that’s really what you want.
Post # 13
I understand completely. My fiance and I had talked everything marriage and wedding related since we had been together only a few months. But with a surprise pregnancy (that is one of the best things to ever happen to us), and me being a full time nursing student, it just never seemed like the “right” time. We’ve had friends that have been together years less than us ( including my soon to be sister in law, whom has only been dating her fiance for less than a year) I was getting horribly itchy! When he finally proposed (after 4 years) I about fell over! My ring is small, but it is perfect. Our wedding is going to be inexpensive, but what we want. Coming from me, when the timing is right, it will happen. And when it does, it will feel perfect. Don’t stress about it now. I had also gotten so frustrated when we would go to impromptu weddings. And by that I mean those that had been short relationships, and short engagements. Enjoy your time together, and know that because it is something you both want, no matter when it happens, it will be when it was meant to be.