Absent In-Laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I suggest you leave it alone. Keep including her in things like you have been by sending important things, but otherwise follow your FI’s lead. It’s his family and his comfort level is important. (Though I do advise getting her phone number, in case of an emergency involving FI – better to have it than not be able to find it if you need it.)

Is your FI an only child? I’d only be concerned if he has siblings who interact with their mother a lot more.

Post # 4
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Each family dynamic is going to be different, but you need to let your FI take the lead in dealing with his family.  He gets to set the tone with this one. 

I kind of got a lesser version with this with my FI.  His grandma died last year.  He barely flinched.  He didn’t go to the funeral (that was several states away)  Neither did his sister.  His parents were the only ones that went, and they barely spent any time there.  They spent 5 days here before they even left. 

My family is like yours, big, crazy, Catholic.  When we have a death in the family, we assemble like the Avengers.  We are there for a week.  We lean on eachother and spend a lot of time together.  I learned really quickly though that I needed to keep in my place in this situation.  It’s not my place to dictate how his family or even him reacts to the situation. 

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

First, i would void using the word strange, differnt from what you know is safe.

 

I would just leave it. People have different relationships and different means or communication. Its clearly different from what you are used to, therefore hard to fathom. But it is what it is.

 

Post # 6
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sounds like socio-economically they are on a different plane than you and you/ she knows it will be hard to connect…? Maybe not, maybe she’s just distant. I would just let it be. Pushy MIL’s are the WORST!

Post # 7
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I would leave it. My FI’s relationship with his parents is very different than mine. But it doesn’t make one or the other better – just different. I would continue to send things to her in due course (like STD, album, etc) but I wouldn’t try to contact her by phone or email if your FI doesn’t initiate it. You just have to accept it for what it is and leave it at that. 

Post # 8
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Coming from the other side, I say definitely leave it alone.  My husbands parents are the kind to call us when his brothers girlfriends cat that we’ve seen once in 6 years is put down.  They are the kind of family to be in each others business all the time.

While my family is close in the ‘if you need me i’ll be there in a heartbeat’ kind of way, we’re not like that.  It was very hard for me to get used to the in your face kind of family they are. For example they’re bff’s with his brothers gf’s (now fiancee) family, especially parents.  I don’t want my parents to be best friends with his parents.  I have enough to deal with in my own life/family, I don’t need them meddling there too. (Though I know it’s all coming from a good place).

People come from different walks of life, different dynamics.  I don’t like everyone to know everything, I don’t want people to know about what surgeries I’ve had or what I use for birth control.  His family – all is fair game.

It’s ‘strange’ to me yes, but like a PP said, strange isn’t a word you should use, just different than what you’re used to.  It took a while for my husband to understand I didn’t want him to relay what I ate for breakfast or that I have blood tests to go for, or what my relationship is like with my father/mother etc unless I decide that’s something I want to bring up.

If he says cool it, or he’s evasive about you contacting her, drop it.

Post # 9
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@lia22:  serious LOL at the cat thing. My fave line of the day!

Post # 10
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@LuluInLove:  “dead” serious this happened….and it was the only reason for the phone call.  I mean really?  I LOVE animals, I love them more than 99% of human beings, but really?  “So, I just wanted to let you know that so and so put down their 19 year old cat today”….ok…….thanks?

And to put it into family dynamic perspective I said to DH, “are you fucking serious?” and he’s all like “what’s so weird about that?  They just wanted us to know”.  Again, really?

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