- 8 years ago
Hi everyone, first of all this is my first time posting here though I have lurked before for ideas. Hi to all! And major apologies in advance for the long post. I totally understand if no one gets thru it all!!!
Sorry that my first post is a bit of a downer but here it goes. I am just wondering if any of you have gone through something similar. Basically when I got engaged almost 2 years ago to my wonderful, intelligent, kind, loving fiance, I wanted a small wedding. We’re talking beach and wine and bbq and 20 of our closest relatives small. Or, quite frankly, even just a weekend in Vegas, then a party later. I knew that would be impossible, since he comes from a fairly traditional Italian background and a big wedding is required! Not wanting to disappoint him, I agreed to the big Italian hall thing and being married by his family’s Catholic priest (I come from a Presbyterian background, but am a bit fallen away so was ok with going with someone that meant something to him), anyways, to add to all of this, the two of us are from different countries (me=U.S., him=Canada, but I have lived in Canada for 8 years first as a student then for work, so I call both Canada and the U.S. home now) – and my grandparents are old and unable to travel, so I asked if we could do the ceremony in my hometown in the U.S., which my fiance agreed to, as long as a week later we would do a giant reception in Canada.
The funny thing is, all of the planning has gone remarkably smoothly. I got a dress that I like about a year ago, and still like it quite a lot more than I ever thought I’d like a long beaded poofy wedding dress (though secretly I would have preferred a Betsey Johnson lacy white and pink number, though that wouldn’t have been formal enough); the formal Italian Hall in Canada is reserved thanks to the help of my pretty great Mother-In-Law and is pretty much all-inclusive except for the centerpieces that I ordered from Crate and Barrel and the local flower market and like quite a lot; the invitations, the most troublesome, are ordered and on their way finally.
Then I decided I needed to go back to the U.S. to finish planning that side of things. I’m currently staying in the U.S. away from my fiance for two weeks to do all of the plans here. I have the chapel for the ceremony, which is perfect, the restaurant for a formal dinner and “smaller” reception after, which is lovelier than I could have imagined, selected the food and wines which are going to be amazing, and the flowers, cake, and music are being done simply and nicely and are all under control.
The thing is, I am sitting here, through with 75% of the planning and all the hard stuff, and it’s all gone so well, but I am absolutely deflated. I know that the day is going to go smoothly and because I don’t care about tiny details, I won’t have a problem if something doesn’t work out, so I am not anxious about the event itself. I am also not anxious abut being married because I have wanted to be married to this guy for over 3 years, I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.
It’s just the WEDDING that’s getting to me. I am looking at my credit card, and even though I did all of this just about as economically as you could ever imagine, I am in shock that I have spent more money on this wedding than any other single thing in my life. Both my fiance and I have savings that we have dipped into, and our families are helping at their persistence – even though both sides of our families are going through some very personal, troubling, financial-related struggles right now. I guess that’s my first problem. Even though I feel like I’ve been responsible and stretched every dollar more than any other bride I’ve ever known, I can’t help but feel tremendously guilty and wasteful at all of the money spent. The funny thing is only I seem to feel this. No one else. It’s almost maddening.
The second thing is that I still haven’t felt differently about the big wedding events. I am not nervous about being in front of people, but when I’m in front of people, usually it’s for something I’ve earned. Like graduating, or winning an award, or even just doing a sales presentation. Getting married is something I don’t like the idea of having a lot of attention over, and I can’t help but dread all the attention I’ll get at the wedding and receptions, even though I keep telling myself I should enjoy them.
The third thing (and most downer, sorry) is lately I’ve had lots of scary thoughts about mortality. I don’t know if this is tied into getting married at all. I can’t imagine the last time in my life I was ever scared of dying…probably when I was about 8 and realized that would happen someday. It’s just…weird, and scary that thoughts keep crossing my mind. It doesn’t help that for some reason lately I’m hearing about a lot of girls around my age dying in freak accidents or from cancer (former high school classmates) or just random accidents happening to relatively young people. My grandfather, who I had hoped two years ago would make it to the wedding, passed away just a short while ago too which didn’t help. Maybe it’s just all of that “til death do us part” and eternal stuff I see all of the time with Twilight promos that’s really starting to get to me! I don’t know if it’s somehow psychologically related to getting married, but I have a feeling it is, and it’s troublesome and I want to get over it!
I guess the final and most important thing is I am worried my fiance will not be happy about the big day. Even though we have a great day to day relationship and talk about everything with each other, and both of us clearly can see a happy future together, he has said that he gets nervous about “getting married”. I try to reassure him that’s normal and it’s going to be fine and everything’s going to be normal afterwards, etc., but he’s a naturally nervous person that tends to overanalyze and be anal about everything so it’s taking a lot of my energy to keep him calm and relaxed when, as you can see, I am growing weary of the wedding too. I don’t think either of us are anticipating being unhappy about being married, and as I said we are totally, constantly, always happy together. I am just feeling stressed out about keeping him relaxed about the wedding or marriage day itself.
I guess I am just hoping someone, anyone, can relate, and offer any advice or reassurance. If you are going through the same thing let me know and maybe we can work it through together. Also thanks if you actually made it thru this massive post…!