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So here I go jumpin' in the mud, but I had to say something.
When my daughter was younger, we talked about sex. She knew all the facts she needed for her age and that sex is a good gift from God to make you happily married and to make babies.
I told her that your sexuality is personal. You should only share it with someone you love and are committed to. I feel that every time you have sex you give a little peice of yourself away. It's meant to be like spiritual and emotional super glue, and don't you know that when you glue your fingers together, you rip off skin to separate them.
I gave her a journal to begin to write to her future spouse, and we began praying for him, wherever he was, that he would be raised to be a responsible man that would love her and be faithful to her and prayed that she would be ready for him when the time came along.
She decided to get a purity ring later on, and has always worn it. I did not get it for her, but was proud that she skipped all the drama of sex added to the drama that some of her relationships became. You know what I'm talking about.
So now my virgin girl is a bride in a few weeks. She still has the journal and wears the ring on her other hand or on a chain. She says she'll give the ring and journal to him in the morning after she gives him the greatest gift - herself - unused - on her wedding night. I'm so proud of her, and she's proud of herself. I know God will honor her for her commitment and self control.
I know that so many of us did not wait. But I also feel that if you want to start over and do future relationships differently you can. My daughter had to put up a lot of safegaurds in her life. Her best friend called her at 11pm every night to make sure that she and her man were not together, because she knows herself, and if she's with him late at night it's that much harder to keep the hands to yourself.
No slight to those of you who do it differently, but I think my daughter made a wise choice and a beautiful sacrifice for her future beloved. He very much appreciates it too.
Welcome to Weddingbee...
I don't know how everyone will respond, but I get it! I also know that not everyone understands the respect and pride you feel in the decisions your daughter has made... but I for one respect them. I'm sure that she is a young woman who knows that she has a intrinsic value that is not related to her physical nature, but is a gift of her Creator. Hope your family enjoys a beautiful wedding celebration!
I personally did not wait and am GLAD I didn't wait (I think that if there is a god, it won't punish me for my personal choices), but I can also see it from your angle. Your daughter has some super self-control, for sure.
I didn't wait, but a lot of my married friends did. Honestly I had a few that had the opinion, "why did I wait?" and "that was it?" lol but I would say just as many were proud of themselves too.
I know everyone has different opinions on this subject, and that's ok! But my FI and I chose to wait too, and we are getting married in 6 months. I have kept a journal for whoever I would marry since I was 13, and have a purity ring too. I also am planning on giving both to my FI on our honeymoon.
While my choices aren't for everyone, and I respect that, I'm really glad my FI and I are waiting. Sure, it might be awkward, and it might take some getting used to, but it's nice to know that he's never been with anyone else, and that I'll never compare him in my mind with anyone else. Plus, it's nice to know that we made a commitment and have actually stuck to it, just like we'll have to with our marriage.
Congrats to your daughter!! :)
Im glad she was able to stay disciplined! Im sure her focus and committment has spread to other areas in her life.
May I ask how old she is now that she is getting married?
I know two girls who waited and I have to say, they were really annoying about it. They were both pretty preachy about it and one was an 'everything but' girl who only got married so she could have sex...and told us all she was going to leave the wedding right after so they could finally do 'it.' She complained a lot, talked about almost nothing else and was completely obsessed. She was pretty much waiting for us to say, "then why don't you just do it already?" At which point, she'd put on her virtuous face and say, "Oh no! I couldn't! Don't you know I'm Baha'i?" Really, very annoying.
I say, of course it's a personal decision and it's completely up to each person. However, one way or another, no one's decision is 'better' than anyone else's and being condescending about it is a good way to alienate people (as the bride I mentioned above did. None of us ended up going to her wedding and we were all friends in college.) If you wait, don't brag about it or act like you're better than anyone. If you didn't wait, don't scoff at someone who did because it may be important to them. Personally I did not wait and never intended to. We each choose what is important to us and I'm glad your daughter is happy with her decision. Every bride (woman!) should be happy with her decisions, whether it's having sex or who her mate is or what dress to wear.
@Aubergold: My daughter is 22. She's not preachy, but she feels she's right, so if anyone asks her about it, they're gonna get the truth. What else could she say?
A couple of good books:
Wait for Me Rebecca St James
Keeping a Princess Heart in a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World Nicole Johnson
Gift Wrapped by God- Secret Answers to the Question "Why Wait?" Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus
Errrr I guess I just don't really understand the purpose of this post. I totally respect your daughter's decision and I think she has a lot of courage to be able to do that. A few of my friends are also waiting and I think it's wonderful.
I did not wait. I am happy that I did not and I don't regret anything in my past. It brought me to where I am now! :)
That being said... I think most people on the boards have already made their decision regarding whether or not to wait, so I don't really understand why you are saying things like "I know that so many of us did not wait. But I also feel that if you want to start over and do future relationships differently you can." and recommending books about waiting.
Sorry if I'm misinterpreting your post (and please tell me if I am!), it just kiiiiinda rubs me the wrong way!
In my personal OPINION, it's depressing to think that the greatest gift a woman can give her future husband is her virginity - does she have nothing else as valuable to give him after that? kids? respect? lifelong companionship? None of that is as worth while as virginity? Oh, and, has he saved "himself" for her? Did he too wear a special ring?
I completely respect people who have the commitment to save themselves to wait until they get married. However I do get nervous that they get married for the wrong reasons (just so they can have sex).
I was born into a family who HEAVILY preached this on me. On my 16th birthday they bought me a purity ring. I didn't really agree with the whole concept because I felt that it was my own choice, and I did not "choose" to have this purity ring given to me. Later I ended up losing my virginity to the man I'm about to marry and I couldn't be happier. I'm glad I waited until I knew it was "right" and not until marriage. That said I did give my husband my virginity and I'm glad I didn't sleep around.
Kudos to your daughter.
@TinyTina: I agree. I don't understand the purpose of this post. I'm glad that your daughter made choices that were right for her. Those choices are not right for everyone however. The fact that your daughter waited until marriage does not make her "right". ther is no right or wrong, in this situation just like there is no right or wrong in wedding dresses, decor, food and the many other wedding related things discussed on these boards.
Also I find it offensive that you are implying that a woman who had sex before marriage is somehow "used". I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sexuality, but frankly I have NEVER felt "used" after having sex with a man who is not my future hubby. I mean, that's implying that women are basically objects to be used by men for the man's sexual pleasure and are not equal decision makers. that's just......sad and sick.
I think the problem is you are preaching to the wrong choir. The ladies here are, for the most part, in very committed relationships and have already chose their sexual paths, whatever they may be.
The kind of speech you are giving is meant for those in the pre-teen stage, not mature women who are married/soon-to-be married.
I think waiting is a beautiful thing, but this might not be the place to suggest reading material or suggestions for waiting. Most of the posters here are well past puberty and made their choice to wait or not to wait.
I am sorry to say this, but it comes off as a preachy post. I am a religious girl myself, I agree with waiting, and I even see it that way, I'm sorry :/ Like you said "if somebody asks, what is she supposed to say?" the problem here is, frankly, nobody asked.
I am sorry if that sounds snarky, but that may be why it is being received in the wrong way. Welcome to wedding bee though, and congratulations to your daughter and you!
I'm happy that your daughter is happy with her choice. It is clear that you are very proud of her, and I'm happy for you for that. Good on both of you. It's great that you have such a close relationship.
However, and this is speaking solely for myself and not meant to impugn you or reflect on you in any way...I think I'd be a little creeped out myself if my mom (a) knew and thought that much about my sex life and (b) was posting about it on the interwebs.
I completely agree with @snowflake119 . While I respect those who wait, there's also other things than your virginity to offer to your future husband. Respect, love, and faithfulness to me are more important. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I hear people put so much emphasis on this that this all they can give. No, this is just one aspect they can give. To me, you're reducing her dignity to one thing. I'm glad that I did wait to give it to the man that I'm marrying.
I think we should note that OP's daughter is getting married at 22. Now I dont want to say that ALL people cant last past ther mid-20s w/o having sex. But IME, the 'waiters' tend to get married younger. This isn't a good or bad thing, just something to note.
@Lhammond: Your post made me really uncomfortable. It came completely out of nowhere, and seems totally unnecessary for this board.
All of the women on these boards are mature, intelligent women who are able to decide what is right for them. Therefore, they do not need someone else's mother coming around and preaching about her daughter's abstinence and how we should all try to exude that ourselves.
Why should it matter what decisions we have made in our own lives? I am a woman who originally wanted to save myself for marriage, but ended up changing my mind, and have no regrets about it.
Personally, I have never known of any man who wore a "purity" ring, and find that this tradition sets us women back about a hundred years. I also have never known of any father who praised his son for saving himself for marriage, and can't imagine that this happens very often. I think this may be because religious people like yourself tend to view the man as the breadwinner, and so it doesn't matter if he is offering his wife his virginity or not, as he will be providing a life for her and their children. Do you also believe that women should be SAHMs for the majority of their lives, and not be able to go and get a full-time job like their husbands?
The titles of those books really creep me out and I am surprised that you are still able to find such resources in this day and age.
I really hope your daughter doesn't find out that you have posted these personal details about her life on the internet. I would be mortified if I were her.
I will be a virgin when my FI and I marry next year. I too am glad I waited for the man the Lord had for me. I prayed for him and he arrived. He has been celebate for the past five years. Our wedding night will be very special
Statistically, about 95% of people don't wait. I'm glad that I didn't - I take sex seriously, and only did so with a few people I was actually in a loving, committed relationship with. Sexual compatibility is too big an issue in a marriage to wait until after you actually tie the knot to test.
That said, your daughter is very young and actually didn't wait much longer than me, and did not wait longer than my FI to have sex, so I don't really view her waiting as a huge sacrifice - many people wait until their early 20's to have sex!
I respect everything you said, Lhammond, except for the part about your daughter's virgin body being the greatest gift she can give her husband. I hear this a lot, so I don't mean to single you out, but statements like these reflect an antiquated and sort of backward attitude toward women. What about the gift of a kind, loving soul? an educated mind? a loyal heart? wisdom? I am sure your daughter has these gifts, too, and these are what will sustain her relationship over the years. I am sure that God will bless her, as he blesses everyone--virgin or not.
Also--22 isn't really that old. She's lucky (I guess) that she found someone she wants to marry. I also was a virgin till I was 22, but I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm just getting married now, 10 years later!
And please, please tell me her husband is also a virgin. If it's important that she's a virgin, then it's just as important that HE is.
Eck, looks like this post has ruffled a lot of feathers. I agree with snowflake119 and babyboo, 'nuf said
Sometimes I wish this were more like facebook, I'd just 'like' some peoples posts!
Okay. I agree that the OP's tone was preachy and inappropriate.
But many of the PP are (unintentionally) criticizing women who do choose to wait, and that's no more appropriate than the OP's post.
Let's all just be careful...?
@mncrk09: Ha, me, too!
My family turns a blind eye to my extracurriculars. I was a bit promiscuous when I was 19, but I had just gotten away from a guy who was terribly abusive so it was my way of reasserting myself as a HUMAN BEING. He thought I was a trollop for sleeping with him--go figure. But whatever--I am more than a little piece of skin in my lady bits.
I'm not really sure of the purpose of your post except to alienate and insult those who have choosen a path different from your daughters. As a southern girl, I've heard it all about this issue...and honestly it really turned me off to all of it.
I have so many friends that are "waiting" to have sex until their wedding night...and you know how they get away with the sexual tension in their relationships? They do "everything but" including anal sex because that's not "real sex."
To me personally, and it is a personal decision, it's all about how you think about it. I'm happy that my FI and I have had sex prior to our marriage, as well as the experiences that I've had with others prior to our relationship because we know more about ourselves.
Also, as a side note: all the girls that I know that "waited" and got married divorced within 2 years and in at least 2 situations because their husband's sexual "appatite (sp?)" did not go along with their beliefs.
Ultimately it's a very personal decision, and I don't think in my opinion that it's anyone else's business to preach to others about it.
This post is probably going to cause a sh!t storm....
@SouthernTulip: I understand what you are saying completely about your beliefs being personal and that it was best for you not to wait.
Also, I know you were just giving examples from your life, but please be careful. As someone who is waiting (and doesn't preach about it), I felt awful to hear you indicate that waiting leads to divorce. That's not fair because every woman who waits or doesn't wait has totally different reasons and relationships.
Virginity is really overrated, and personally I don't feel like I gave anyone anything. It's exactly the attitude of the OP that makes women feel guilty about sex gives men the idea that they have some type of power over women them because they can make her "give it up" And also OP your statement about your daughter being "unused" sounds like you are from the 1800's. No thank you on the whole sentiment. Waiting is fine, I have nothing against it but your attitude is really outdated.
I was curious about sex and did it with my high school boyfriend and I've enjoyed it with boyfriends and non boyfriends (uh..and sometimes not enjoyed it lol) ever since. I think you need to preach to a pre-teen message board or something although I wouldn't want my daughter thinking that the greatest gift she can give a man is her body. lame.
@Lhammond:Thanks for posting this. You have raised a wonderful daughter! I really like your idea about writing a journal to a future spouse; I hope I remember that idea if I am lucky enough to have a daughter someday.
I know that many will not understand this post of the meaning behind it, but it is still good for them to hear it. My fiance and I both wish that we would have given that gift to each other; sex definitely complicates things. Since being engaged, he and I have decided to rededicate ourselves and not have sex until our wedding night. It's been really tough! Only 78 more days to go...
God Bless!
@messybride: Um, are you saying that it's "good for them to hear it" because you think our choices (to not wait) are wrong? =/ There is nothing wrong with not waiting, just as there is nothing wrong with waiting.
@Statutory Grape: No, that is not why I said that. I didn't wait until marriage. I wish I would have though. I made that comment because I think what Lhammond said is encouraging and truthful. Despite my previous sexual encounters, I plan to one day raise my children differently. Maybe others reading this would feel the same way.
@messybride: The problem with that, though, is that most of the women on WB have already made their choice (as others have said). But maybe I'm just cynical; I don't buy into that "born-again virgin" stuff. To each their own, though.
I apoligize Gemstone and to the op, as well as anyone else who was offended by my post. The OP felt it was necessary to come onto this board and write something very personal about her daughter's sex life, that I personally was offended by, so I thought the OP might be interested in my personal experiences with "waiting."
By no means do I think waiting is a bad thing, it's a personal decision that should and is respected...but it's insulting to say that doing other wise is not following "God's path" and implying that by not waiting you are not giving your husband a special gift. It's as another poster said as well, a very antiquated point of view and offending to some.
Again, I apoligize. I did not mean to offend only to enlighten from my experiences.
On the one hand I was unnerved by the underlying purpose of this post, which made me feel (as other posters noted) like the intent was to take a swipe at those of us who have chosen different paths. On the other hand, it was fascinating to read the responses that have come in so far, from all across the spectrum. I hope that the OP respects the decisions of those women who disagree as much as she appears to be requesting respect, even admiration, for her daughter's decision.
In the end, I do respect the decision that her daughter made in so far as it is a personal choice, and a religious choice. It is her body and her choice. Just like this is my body and my choice and no one should be allowed to tell me what to do with it.
@flamingred: Amen! I grew up in a family that really looked down upon sex before marriage. I remember how disappointed my family was in my sister when she told them she was going on birth control. I waited until I was 24, not for the outdated ideals preached by my family, but because I was absolutely terrified of having sex. (And FWIW, my first and only partner was my now FI.) I still have issues with sex today, deeply seeded in being preached to as a child/teenager about how "evil" it is.
I'm not saying my first time wasn't special, because it was - but not because of "the act;" it was special because it was with a man I LOVE. Humans are capable of loving more than one partner over a lifetime, so it wouldn't have mattered to me "who" the partner was, as long as it was someone I loved. It just happened to be the man I'm also going to marry.
I am more than my vagina and a tissue barrier, and I resent being brought up to believe (and that others believe) otherwise.
To the OP - did you warn your daughter about the mess she's going to have to clean up on her wedding night, or how much it's going to hurt? All those who preach waiting make it seem like some fantasy on rose petals with rainbows and cherubs playing little harps... it's not. It's painful and messy; nothing romantic about it, really.
Ok, one more point I want to raise: I object to the idea of writing a journal to your future spouse as a child/young adult. What this does is set up the expectation that, if you're normal, you must get married, and that marriage is some kind of ultimate validation of your life.
@stillme:I was just going to write that too. What if you don't want to get married? I mean, I'm married and having a baby but that was never my dream as a little girl. It's nice and everything, but my dream was to be a rock star. LOL. I don't think i ever thought about who I was going to marry.
@SouthernTulip: Thanks for the apology. I didn't think you intended to offend. And you're right: it's a personal decision for each of us, that we as women should respect. :)
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