(Closed) Abusive Exes

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have been in several, of different types.  I was adopted and have some issues of abandonment and becoming overly attached.  This led me to TWO abusive marriages at a young age.  I’m only 31 and entering into my third marriage to a wonderful man who would do anything for me.  People give me dirty looks and constantly talk about me behind my back (due to the fact that this is my third marriage), but I just keep holding my head up high.  People never know of the horrible things someone goes through in an abusive relationship and have no room to judge!

I congratulate you on your strength and getting out of your relationship (in whatever way you had to).  Good luck in your upcoming wedding!

Post # 4
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The first part of your story sounds very similar to mine. My ex bf went through my e-mails and phone all the time. He also convinced me that I was unloveable and that I was lucky to have him because most guys wouldn’t put up with me. He got mad if I put on makeup or did my hair before leaving the house because he thought I was trying to attract other guys. If I stayed around the house with no makeup and wearing pjs or sweatpants (which was what he’d prefer me to do) then I was supposed to be happy that he still loved me regardless of how bad I looked. He once told me “you look ‘okay’ but newsflash, we won’t be seeing your type on the cover of a magazine anytime soon”.

The other thing he did was try to control what I ate. He was a health freak and into bodybuilding. He would try to cut back the amount of food I was eating all the time. He even hid food from me. I’m 5’9″ and at that time I weighed 130lbs which isn’t fat but he had me convinced that I was overweight. If we went to Subway for lunch he would make me feel bad if I ate an entire 6″ sub. He’d tell me to cut the edges off the bread so I wouldn’t be eating as many carbs. He also got mad at me for making HIM fat because of my “poor eating habits”.

The night I broke up with him he was soooo mad. I was so scared and I ran upstairs to try to get away from him because I thought for sure he was going to hurt me. I grabbed my cell phone as I was running upstairs and tried to call for help but he grabbed the phone out of my hand and threw it across the room. There was a small table nearby and he shoved it at me. I managed to get out of the house that night but the next 3 -4 months after that he made my life miserable. He became a crazy stalker. You won’t believe how many times I’d come out to my car after school and he’d be waiting there. Or late at night he’d bang on the windows of my basement apartment because he wanted inside. I found out he’s done this to a number of girls but I was the first one to contact the authorities. I had a restraining order put on him but he ignored it so I decided to press charges and he was thrown in jail.

Most people who know me don’t know how bad the situation was. I had moved away from friends and family and had become very isolated at the time. It scared me so much because I grew up with an abusive father and then I had dated someone who was just like him which  I’d always been determined NOT to do! I was so hurt and broken after that relationship I refused to date anyone for a very long time (like 3-4 years). During that time I did a lot of soul-searching and went through counciling because I was determined never to make the same mistakes again.

I’m really glad I took that break because the next guy I dated was my Fiance and he was totally worth waiting for. I feel love and respected by him and I really trust him which is a BIG deal because I didn’t think I could ever trust a guy again. To be honest, sometimes when I reflect on the relationships I’ve had in the past and then think about my Fiance, it brings tears to be eyes because I feel so blessed to be marrying this man. <3

Post # 5
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012


I was in a very abusive(verbal, emotional and physical) relationship for about 8 years.

I realize now that I am lucky that I made it out alive.

He had me believe that I was worthy of nothing.

I was fat, ugly and dumb.

No other man would ever put up with me since I was so horrible.

All mind games.

Post # 6
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was in a 5 year relationship prior to Fiance in which I was verbally abused. He was outright mean and derogatory to me all the time, called me every name in the book, told me I was stupid, and i just made excuses for him. It was like being in a relationship with a stone, he was cold with no affection towards me except sex. I did everything for this man, with no appreciation at all. Well, he though he was appreciating me by spending money, that it his idea of love. Looking back I can’t believe i stayed as long as i did, but i used to think “if I were to leave, where would I go?” I am a successful career woman, but i would lose 99% of my friends, etc. Then i met Fiance. He showed me how I deserved to be treated and i got the courage to leave the ex, at which point ex flipped out and stalked me for months, proposed to me three times, followed me on business trips out of state and would show up at the hotel, etc. I just heard he met some girl and they ran off to Vegas to get married after being together for 3 weeks. Unreal.


Post # 7
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My first serious bf was very very abusive. It was hard to deal with at 16 and it took me two years to get strong enough to get out. He destroyed my confidence, my trust, filled me with so much self hate and doubt and hurt me physically. What I’ve been through still causes issues in my relationship with Darling Husband at times. 

Post # 9
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yes…physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually…

We were together over 20 years (17+married). I tried to make it work and then gave up at the end. He was never there and was frequenting stripclubs and dating several women. I was a married single parent and was so starved for affection that I got involved with another man. My marriage was destroying me and my children. We started dating when I was 17 and my ex was the only person I had ever been with, yet I turned around and did something totally against my beliefs. He isolated me and my kids. There is so much more that I just can’t go into but I was in the process of talking to a lawyer when he had a fit and left.

Then it got worse…stalking, threats, restraining orders. It’s been 4+ years and last fall before my FH and I bought a house together, he and his gf(now wife) bought a house TWO houses away from my FH’s!! My ex could see into FH’s backyard from his front windows and made sure people including my kids knew that! One of the reasons why we moved in together months before we planned. Ex still owes me thousands of dollars..being abusive in the only way he can now by not looking after his children.

FH knows all this. We met when I was still with ex. No, he is NOT the man that I had the affair with but he knows him and about what happened and totally understands. Our biggest problem is him not triggering my PTSD and me working at getting over it. We are totally open with each other about everything. He is such a sweet and caring man and I’m so lucky to have him. 🙂

Post # 10
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@the_future_mrs:  my ex refused to sign a peace bond as well. Honestly, peace bonds seem like the stupidest things ever. I went to court numerous times and every single time we went he refused to sign it.

He was obsessed with me and stalking me so obviously he wasn’t going to agree to stay away! The police actually advised me to move far away. Gee thanks.

Post # 11
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

as_you_wish: that was what I was advised to do too… “Move far away and get a dog….a big dog…like a pit bull….”



That was as the only “help” I received from authorities.

Post # 12
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My ex-husband was emotionally and verbally abusive the entire time we were together.  The first and only time he resorted to physical abuse, I called the police and he was arrested.  That was the end of our relationship.

I know the things he said to me over the years aren’t true, but when you hear the same things over an dover you do start to believe them.  We broke up 3 years ago and I still deal with some of the damage to my self-esteem. 

Post # 13
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I stayed for way too long in an abusive relationship. I was alone and scared and thought I needed him. We moved across the country to a huge city to start our life together; I was pretty isolated from my friends and family. There were several fights that would get physical, but I had no where to go. I was ashamed and hurt – I always said that if I was ever in an abusive relationship, I would leave… not so easy when you wake up one morning and realize that you are now in that situation. It’s starts slowly and then escalates getting more and more violent each time.

Toward the end of our relationship, there were two major fights that I remember like it was yesterday. I don’t remember what the fights were about, but I remember the physical parts of it… getting shoved around in our apartment, getting my head slammed against a metal staircase hand-rail as he was pulling me out of our apartment building and locking me out on the street in a major metro area with a bunch of tourist and homeless people watching. Great. Where the hell was I going to go. After a few hours either he called me or I called him… apologies, etc. The other one that I remember all too well happened in our apartment. I called 911, but he overpowered me, took the phone, and shoved me in a closet. I could hear him explain that his girlfriend went crazy and attacked him and that I may be on something (I’ve never done drugs and I hardly drank at the time). Cops showed up; asked a bunch of questions. Keep in mind, I was so scared of what could happen to me and I did “love” him. They left saying that the next time, they’d be arresting one or both of us. 

It was pretty bad, but I want to point out that it wasn’t always this way. Things were perfect in the beginning; he was always respectful. Then he would raise his voice at me. Then the next time he’d maybe grab my arm to get my attention. Then the next time he’d shove me to get me out of his way. Then the next time I’d get slapped for saying the wrong thing… 

I would also like to point out again, that I always said if anybody would raise his hand towards me, I’d be so out of there. I’m strong, I’m smart, I have a fantastically supportive, loving family, and so many great friends. And I still found myself in this situation. The first year was great; the second year not-so-great, but I had already invested all this time in our relationship, and the third year was a nightmare. 

How I finally got out? We went back to our hometown for a wedding. I was in the bridal party and the bride was one of my best friends. Well, he started up again and we got into a huge fight at the reception. He left. Totally ruined my night at a dear friend’s wedding. I was done. He could hurt me all he wanted, but he wasn’t going to hurt anyone that I loved. I went home to my parents that night. He, of course, called the next morning apologizing and wanting to meet for dinner. I agreed to meet later that evening at one of our favorite restaurants. In the meantime, I had breakfast with my parents and then they dropped me off at the airport for an earlier flight out. Once I got to the city, a friend who lived a couple of hours away, picked me up from the airport, took me to the apartment and helped me pack up whatever I could fit into my car – and I was out of there – FOREVER. My neighbor lady (who never spoke to us) even came out to say goodbye and said that she was always worried about me and that I was making the right decision.

I was totally looking over my shoulder the entire time – and for a good time after that. Once he realized that I wasn’t meeting him for dinner, he lost it. And then he went psycho after he realized that I left him. He actually flew back earlier than planned as well – probably to throw my stuff out into the street. He didn’t know I had already beat him back to our apartment. He maxed out my voicemail box for at least a week straight. I felt so good to finally have the upper hand. 

I was concerned for several months that he would try to find me or that he would “visit” my parents. I did get a random email message from him, but I never answered it and I don’t know if he ever contact my folks – they wouldn’t tell me if he had anyway. 

Anyway, I didn’t date anybody for several years after that. I really had a trust issue with guys. I did, however, have a bus-load of really good (purely plutonic) guy friends – good guys who dated other girls. This really helped me build up a trust for men again and eventually I started dating again. I also started speaking on dating/domestic violence to middle- and high-school students through a program run by the city. Unfortunately, the circle of violence starts early and can last a lifetime.

Turns out, I started dating one of my dear guy friends (after coaching eachother through dating and a handful of relationships) and now we are to be married in 5 months!! While I try to forget that nasty time in my life, it did eventually lead me to the most amazing man who will soon be my husband. The fact that I didn’t want anything to do with a dating relationship helped me develop a friendship with someone truly special. 



Post # 14
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Boy oh boy! Those are some crazy stories.

As for me, I met my abusive ex shortly after having broken up. I actually knew this guy through a friend. But we never met, hung out, etc. (There’s a mean streak to that too about knowing him but not having hung out…)

So he caught me at a BAD, BAD, time where I just came off a long relationship and feeling alone and left behind, etc.

He was amazing at first as friends. Which is what led me to say ‘yes’ to having a relationship. But gradually he just turned PSYCHO! He ALWAYS wanted to know where I was at EVERY MINUTE of the day. If I didn’t pick up the phone cuz I was in the shower or the bathroom, he’d FREAK OUT and stop taking my phone calls. If I met him, begged, pleaded, etc. to talk to me again, he’d give me the cross-examination as to why I didn’t answer for over 15 mins. What kind of shower takes 15 mins. (Really? Wtf!)

Speaking shower, he told me I was a super digusting person for not washing my hair EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I lost a lot of my hair and its lustre because of that. I had really long hair and it was a pain to wash it all every single day. It dried out badly. I even tried showing him some reputable websites that say that women shouldn’t be washing it everyday because it destroys the natural oils. And his response to that was: “You can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Wow you are stupider than I thought.” So I just pretty much gave in out of fear.

He would break up with me FREQUENTLY and then have no memory of it the next day. He’d pretend everything’s okay and the break up never happened meanwhile I would have cried my eyes out and apologized for things I didn’t know if I ever did, etc.

He would also get me to believe that if he forgets he did something wrong to me (which was QUITE OFTEN), then I should not mention it at all. Or… here’s the kicker… take the blame for it! And why you might ask? Well his answer to that was so I can be the ‘bigger person’ for taking the fall for someone I love and the person I love will feel so much respect for me. Especially in public settings where he may have dropped something, forgot someone’s b’day, etc. etc.

And always snooping through my phone.

I was not allowed to look up while we were in public. If we went to the mall together or even for a walk in the park, I wasn’t allowed to look UP from the ground. He always thought that I was checkin’ out some guy! OMG!

I put up with all this due to low self-esteem which was an offshoot of a previously ended relationship. I was feeling unwanted and felt like no one will ever want/like me even though I am such an amazing person. So if this guy likes me, I must be lucky to just have someone.

He was nice occassionally but that was always with an underlining purpose. I.e., I did this/that for you so you owe me sort of thing.

I would buy nice things for myself which he would ‘borrow’ for his sister/family and I would NEVER see these things again. (Expensive jewelry, movies, cosmetic contacts, etc. And I am talking MAJOR DOLLARS.) And if I questioned the ‘return’, I would get a rude statement in return like “What’s the matter with you? You can’t share anything? I can’t believe I am stuck with such a b!tch! You’re lucky I don’t leave you. No one else will want your selfish @ss!”

Once we went out to dinner with a friend of his and he invited his ex! He always still hung out with her and gave me a song and a dance about how he feels bad for having broken her heart by breaking up with her so he feels guilty and hangs out with her to make up for that. He didn’t want a relationship with her though cuz she was just as psycho as him. Always calling him, checking up on him, etc. and he didn’t like that. And he would be late to come pick me up from work or home or not come at all cuz he was busy taking her shopping.

Relationship ended when he was on another one of his stints of having broken up with me. My car died and he refused to help me to look for another car. He was always TOO BUSY for me and I always asked him for help at the wrong times. And so I asked a few friends of mine (or whatever friends I had left since I wasn’t allowed to talk to ANYONE. He was supposed to be the ONE AND ONLY of my life), and she recommended a friend of hers. This ‘friend of hers’ is now my Darling Husband. I met this guy and realized that wow, there are still nice guys out there and there is still hope.

I didn’t of course start a relationship with my Darling Husband right away. I still met my ex afterwards when he again lost all memory of having broken up with me. He used to smoke a LOT which I didn’t like. I requested him to stop, cut down, or at the very least do not smoke with me in a confined space (car, room, etc.) cuz I feel sick. He hid the smoking part from his own family and never smoked at home and no one in his family knew he smokes. We were driving somewhere and I asked politely if he could put it out. He didn’t. I felt at that very moment this one thought “WTF, just WTF am I doing?” I asked him to turn his car around immediately and drop me home. He did and as I slammed his car door shut I knew in my heart that I was finally FREE.


Post # 15
1949 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was in a short term relationship which I believe was emotionally abusive. I got out before it got bad, but I shutter to think of what could have happened.

He was a CLASSIC narsosist/sociopath. Very charming and charasmatic in public and when we were with people. When we were alone, he wasn’t too bad, but he pressured me for sex ALOT.

I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember that we fought quite a bit. One fight was because we didn’t have sex for wo nights in a row.

How I got out: NYE we had a party at his place, and I was drinking, and had an alergic reaction to his cat. I was having a hard time breathing, and went to his room to lay down. I passed out, as I had been drinking, and he came up later and was mad because I had fallen asleep “after getting what I wanted (a midnight kiss on NYE) and didn’t care what he wanted (sex)”. We ended up in a HUGE fight in front of all the other party guests.

I packed my stuff up and it ended with him taking me by my coat and litterally throwing me out of the door after I tried to slap him across the face. I picked up my car and rest of the stuff that was at his house the next day and that was the end of it.

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