- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
My fiance comes from an abusive, dysfunctional family. His dad is a complete, full-blown narcissist who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to him and his two older siblings. His older sister is great, I really like her. His older brother is also narcissistic, but not as psychopathic and his youngest sister who was never really abused like her older siblings but was the “golden child” is absolutely, positively a psychopath. She is manipulative, abusive to animals, emotionally and verbally abusive to my FSIL’s children, etc. I’m not afraid of his dad but I am afraid of her… not because I think she would hurt me but she is definitely a narcissist that likes to do some “smear campaigning”.
Things got really bad a little less than a year ago with how my FI’s nieces were being treated and he and his older sister decided to put an end to their codependency on his family. A social worker said that their situation was very extreme and strongly suggested they cut ties (and many other people suggested this too).
His parents think that he and his sister are being selfish, obviously, even though they have been selfish for their entire lives. His dad for his need to control everyone and everything and his mom for being too into “protecting” herself that she never once defended her children. My FI and his older sister would bend over backwards for these people and enough was enough.
Nobody decides to just cut off contact on a whim. It would have been easier for them to stay, shut up, and do as they were told. But they finally decided to end the cycle that was started by their mother (they’re both so much like their mom) and left. I was very proud of both of them.
Since that time there has been manipulation from his younger sister who is the same age as me and I always get anxious… I’m a people pleaser and need approval and I can’t stand the idea of some people not liking me or my FI. I get so anxious.
We’re planning our wedding almost 2 years away partly because this is a lot to think about and its really anxiety-provoking for me. I’ve been mistreated by people who were very similar to his sister in the past and its hard for me to handle. I have mixed feelings for my FMIL… I feel bad for her and I would give absolutely anything to help her but I also feel frustrated because she acts like she doesn’t want out and even turned on her own daughter (my FI’s older sister) to defend her husband and younger daughter when my FI was trying to tell her that she needed to get away because they are mentally unstable.
I want to invite his mom, for sure. There’s no doubt in my mind… but I’m not sure if she would come if his dad didn’t also come. And then we might have to invite the sister too… One of my biggest fears is that either his dad and sister would start something at the wedding OR if his dad and sister didn’t show then his mom wouldn’t either (and that would be heart-wrenching for my FI).
Thank goodness my FI has 17 aunts and uncles from his dad’s side that support his decision (and his dad avoids them), otherwise I think I would have gone crazy by now.
His dad’s side is full of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics (however none are even close to as bad as his dad) so there will be no alcohol at the wedding, which I think might be helpful for his dad… (but knowing him he’ll bring some of his own).
Has anyone been in a similar circumstance? How did it turn out? Any suggestions for who to invite? How to cope with the anxiety?